The hospital refuses to talk to my insurance company.
And despite cashing all up my premium checks, My insurance company refuses to talk to the hospital.
So, the bills keep arriving in the mail, with bigger numbers, printed in brighter red ink.
I throw them out, unopened.
As for the phone calls, I ask the collectors how their kids are or what they had for dinner last night.
They try to change the subject back to my medical bills.
Talk to the insurance company, I say. So, got plans for dinner?
They ask again.
I smile, laugh, and hang up.
Category: My stories
in dreams
i’ve been taking vicodin for the pain in my broken elbow.
it causes intense dreams.
i’ve dreamed of dinosaurs and volcanoes and wars with laser guns.
and i’ve seen ghosts of so many friends long passed.
but not my boy, who died in february.
why can’t i dream of him, poking me in the nose with his paw as i try to sleep?
does he not want to see me again? why won’t he come back when i need him?
i put his yellow mouse under my pillow
just one dream.
i don’t even need to wake up from it.
Brace
I broke my elbow
One week in the hospital
One week rest
work release in hand
light duties only
welcome back
I sat down at my desk
A pillow to my left
To lay my braced left arm upon
And I wrote
And wrote
And wrote
after 7 hours work
I crawled home exhausted
took off the brace to
lay on my back on the sofa
arm on a pillow across my chest
slowly moving my wrist
and fingers
and i realized
this must be how it feels
after a long day
to take off your bra
and just breathe
Play The Ponies
My uncle Dexter would disappear every Friday night, and then return for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes, he’d have cash stuffed into his pockets, and other times he be flat broke and sporting a black eye or two.
“Your stupid Uncle Dexter plays the ponies.” my mom would say. “Stay away from him.”
So, that night, I followed him from street to street, until he reached the racetrack.
He wired up all the horses to a massive keyboard, turned on the power, and played them like a pipe organ.
It sounded awful, but not as bad as my sister practicing her violin.
MLK
In Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech, he shares a lot of dreams he had about racial equality, equal opportunities, and freedom for everyone.
It’s an inspirational speech that still gives people hope in the struggle for civil rights across the globe.
However, if he’d have been taking Vicodin, like I am taking now for a busted elbow, he’d have had dreams of dinosaurs with laser guns fighting in volcanoes, because this crap really fucks up your brain.
I’m not sure that would have helped with civil rights, but it sure would have made for an awesome movie.
Gremlins
The nurse told me that I can’t eat anything after midnight because I am having surgery early tomorrow.
But the truth is that I am a gremlin.
Feeding a gremlin after midnight turns them into an evil scaly predator that causes havoc and mayhem.
And getting a gremlin wet causes them to pop out warped clones.
I smile, close my eyes, and say “wet or dry, a sponge bath is a sponge bath.”
It’s certainly better than the food, which explains why there aren’t any evil scaly gremlins walking around causing havoc.
Or is it because visiting hours are over?
Power Off
When my wife went on vacation, she told me to have a good time, take care of the cats, and not break anything.
I’m batting zero for three.
I broke my elbow, haven’t had a very good time in the hospital having my elbow rebuilt, and it’s hard to take care of the cats from a hospital bed.
I haven’t told her any of this because she hasn’t turned on her phone, and I don’t have the number of the place where she staying.
Oh well. it’s a vacation, right? So, have a good time – that’s what really matters.
The Cord
When I arrived at the emergency room on Saturday, alone and helpless, my phone battery was dying.
My friends contacted the hospital gift shop, and by the time I reached my room, a spare charging cord was delivered.
That phone was my lifeline to family and friends.
On Monday, my mother-in-law arrived with my laptop, and I pulled out a spare cord from the laptop bag.
Just then, a careless orderly broke the gift cord.
It lasted just long enough to do its job, and then sacrificed itself so the orderly wouldn’t break anything else important, like my other arm.
It’s Bath Time
I stood naked in the bathtub, a black plastic bag tied around my broken right arm.
Sitting down slowly in the warm soapy water my first real bath in a week.
It felt so good the water on my skin, the heavy stink of the hospital bed slowly scrubbed away by the washcloth in my wife’s hands, gliding over my body.
I lean forward, and she scrubs my back.
I lean back, and she scrubs my chest.
My neck.
My legs.
My good arm.
She leaves me there in the tub to soak and think.
Just breathe, and weep helplessly.
The Pills
Today, I broke my elbow.
I got careless on my bike and fell.
Tomorrow, I will have orthroscopic surgery to set the bone with pins.
Until then I am laying in this hospital bed, texting friends with my good hand and writing crap like this.
Sadly, the medication is not strong enough to make this story interesting.
All things considered, I’d rather none of this be interesting. I’d rather have had a twisted or sprained elbow and a taxi cab home.
Or no injury at all.
The nurses here with my pills I’ll ask for stronger stuff. (for your sake)