The company I work for provides a catered lunch every day.
I thought this would impact my productivity, because the lunch selections are heavy fare and cause the staff to fall into “post-lunch comas.”
“Not so,” says management. “This is a deliberate strategy. You see, before we provided lunch, employees had been making their dumbest mistakes around noon. Now, by us providing a heavy lunch, everybody ends up in a groggy state together. Instead of making dumb mistakes, employees nap. Then, once they wake up from their stupor, they’re good to go.”
And all ready to make smart mistakes.
Category: My stories
The Rings
Tiffany wore a necklace with a key dangling from it.
Marie wore a necklace with a padlock.
As long as they couldn’t get married in Texas, they refused to wear the rings they’d bought for a full-blown wedding.
They were together for fifty years, and every day, Tiffany looked at those rings.
“Not yet,” said Marie.
So Tiffany put them away.
When Marie got sick, Tiffany begged her to exchange rings.
“No,” said Marie.
And she died the next day.
Tiffany tried to put the key in the lock.
It didn’t fit.
She put on the other necklace and wept.
Twins
Back during my dating days, I dated a woman with an identical twin sister.
But it didn’t work out.
Sure, the sex was great, and she was funny and smart, but her sister was jealous and tried to break us up.
Then, she impersonated her sister, and it totally sent things over the edge.
I didn’t realize what I’d done until the next morning, when I saw the butterfly tattoo on her left hip instead of her right.
Or was it supposed to be on her left hip?
“As if I care,” I said, and we did it again.
Twice.
The Mad Puppeteer
The town guard dragged the mad puppeteer into the castle and threw him at the feet of the duke.
The captain of the guard whispered ‘Blasphemy” into the duke’s ear.
“Cut out the tongues of the puppets,” he responded.
“It’s the man who speaks, not the puppets,” said the captain.
“Let me see,” said the duke.
The puppeteer crawled closer, and looking up at the duke, he laughed.
“What is so funny?”
The puppeteer smiled and removed the puppets from his hands, revealing concealed daggers.
“You killed my wife and daughters,” he said, stabbing the daggers into the duke’s chest.
The Wolves
I am being chased by wolves.
How many wolves, I’m not sure, because I am running from them as fast as I can, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to turn around and count them.
I could try to run backwards, but I wouldn’t be able to dodge any oncoming obstacles.
I tried to snap a photograph of them to count the wolves, but despite the image stabilizing feature on this smartphone, the picture is too blurry to count the wolves.
However, based on several photographs, I can tell that they are gaining on me.
I must run faster.
Bank Evolution
When I was young, you had to cash a check at the issuing bank and then deposit the cash at your bank.
When the check interchange system was created, you could deposit a check at your own bank without fuss, but you still had to fill out a deposit slip.
Eventually, banks eliminated the deposit slips, because when they knew who you are, they knew your account.
Now, you can snap a photo of a check with the bank’s smartphone application, and they’ll handle it all electronically.
I hope the check clears quickly, because I need a new smartphone soon.
Keyboard Error
In high school, we used Macintoshes. We learned how to use a mouse and copy-paste things in word processors.
There were Macs in college, too. I got quite handy with the fan key and X for cut, C for copy, and so on.
My first job was in a Windows shop. The Control key did the commands.
For almost 20 years, I’ve been using Windows and Control-C for copy, Control-V for paste.
Now, I’m in a Mac shop. It’s fan-C for copy.
I am trying, but I keep hitting the wrong keys.
At least my head hits the desk correctly.
The Mad Tongue
It’s been a long time since I had my teeth cleaned.
So long, that the tartar buildup warped the shape of my teeth and gums significantly, but my tongue easily got used to the gradual change in topography
A bit of tartar broke away, and the resulting jagged crag drove my tongue insane. I licked that spot constantly.
When I finally had all the tartar removed, my teeth were clean and tartar-free smooth.
My tongue, unused to the new shape, roamed the interior of my teeth crazily like an idiot in a round room told to stand in the corner.
Bed Bath and Be A Good Worker Bee
I started a new job recently. It is in an office building next to a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Despite the high prices, we get a lot of coupons for them in the mail.
This means I can pick up decorations and stuff for my new desk while getting things for home.
However, I need to be careful that I don’t mix them up.
Although I’m sure some of my coworkers could use some time with a loofah and lavender body wash, and I’m certain the cats would really like to have another desk lamp to knock over and break.
A Time
Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a time for everything.
To die.
To weep.
To mourn.
Every time I look at the shelf I put your box of ashes on, these are the only three I can remember.
So, I put down the empty bottle of vodka, pick up a Bible, and read it to remind myself that there are other times.
To laugh.
To mend.
To heal.
And for a moment, I smile.
Then, a twenty-dollar bill falls out.
I put down the Bible, pick up the twenty, and think:
Oh good. I can get more vodka now.