A Frito Pie is a bowl of Frito chips covered in chili, cheese, sour cream, and other Mexican food condiments. You eat it with a fork like you’d eat a casserole.
If you pour that stuff into a bag of Fritos, it’s called a Walking Taco or a Taco-On-The-Run.
Close your eyes. Imagine a Taco walking around or running on its own.
If you saw a taco doing that, would you let it pass, or would you chase it down and try to eat it?
Eat too many Frito Pies, and you may have nightmares of the things chasing you.
Category: My stories
Batman
I saw the Batman movie today.
And that’s all I’m going to say.
Because everything I try to say about it gets me in trouble.
Before I went to see the movie, I tried to say “I’m going to see it when the crowds die down” but people called me an insensitive asshole after all those people got shot and killed in Colorado.
And then, after I saw it, I said “That movie was awesome. It totally blew me away.” People got even more pissed off at me.
So I’ll just say “I liked it” and talk about the weather.
Ever after
There are eight million stories in the big city.
I plan on ending them.
The problem is, it’s hard to come up with an ending that’s the opposite of the simple and succinct classic: “And they lived happily ever after.”
Although “And they died happily” would work, since the poison I put in the water supply has a euphoric effect.
“Ever after” doesn’t make sense, since they’re all going to die.
Including me.
Which is why I’m writing the ending of their stories now. Because I won’t be around to write it later.
Think I can get that phrase copyrighted?
Midnight Showing
If you’ve ever said “Nothing ruins a movie more than a screaming baby,” you should look at the headlines coming out of Colorado this morning.
That’s right: someone brought a 3-month-old baby to a midnight showing of the final movie in the Batman trilogy.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
It totally ruins the movie.
And if you call the ushers in on them, you end up looking like an asshole.
“We can’t find a babysitter this late at night!” they whine.
Why are they bringing a baby to a midnight showing in the first place?
That’s just sick.
Cripple the cripple
Gordon Kane bet Stephen Hawking $100 that the Higgs-Boson exists.
And won, but despite acknowledging this, Stephen Hawking has yet to pay up.
How do you collect on that kind of bet?
It’s not like you can call your cousins from New Jersey into leaning on the guy.
“So, you think you’re some kind of smart guy?” your cousin Lenny says, and then he realizes, yes, this cripple in the wheelchair with the robot voice talking about black holes and galaxies is really damn smart.
At least he can’t put up much of a fight when they break his legs.
Improbable
There’s a big difference between improbable and impossible.
No matter how improbable it is, Henry still managed to get chased by a herd of angry elephants across campus and into the Chemistry final exam.
Impossible is explaining to the professor how he managed to get chased by a herd of angry elephants across campus and into the Chemistry final exam.
“And more importantly, why did you bring them here?” asks the professor.
“You lock the door at nine,” Henry says. “And I didn’t want to miss the final.”
The professor nods, mutters “Fair enough” and hands out the blue books.
The Y
Unlike the Catholic Church, we here at the Y act quickly when we discover an employee behaving in a disgusting manner with a child or doing something inappropriate, like collecting child pornography.
It doesn’t happen very often, because we have a screening process and keep our staff under observation. Nobody is ever left alone with a child.
Plus, when one is caught, we don’t sweep them under the rug like the Church does.
We bury them under the baseball field.
By the way, the pitcher’s mound is getting a bit high. Better dig it up and quicklime the corpses again.
Until I Fall Away
We tried to use music to teach Calculon creativity and inventiveness.
We failed. All it did was reproduce the same sound, over and over.
So, we tried improvisational jazz.
Calculon reproduced that, too.
“Maybe we should use live concerts instead of studio albums?” I asked.
After Calculon copied the live albums, we made a few calls and loaded it into a truck.
We joined the Gin Blossoms tour.
At first, to observe. But in time, Calculon picked up on the “magic” of live concerts and picked up a guitar to jam.
Then it did a stage-dive and crushed 4 fans.
Stampede
At our retirement community, we have just as many weddings as funerals.
Because when someone dies, someone else rushes to marry the widow or widower.
“Married people live longer,” the studies say, “And if your mate dies, you’ll go soon after.”
Nobody here wants to go without a fight. So, the moment there’s an opening, those who haven’t already paired up rush to the side of the bereaved to offer their sympathies.
It’s like a stampede. A dangerous, wrinkled stampede.
So, unless you put on a wedding ring, I can’t give you the nurse job.
It’s just not safe here.
Too much of an mmmm mmmm good thing…
I’ve gotten into the habit of bringing cans of soup to work for lunch.
“It’s good food,” the commercials say. “Mmmm mmmmm good!”
But instead of following the directions, I pour two cans into a single bowl, stir it up, and heat it without adding water.
It’s just as thick as the chunky style soup, I figure. And cheaper, too.
And I don’t have to fish about for the vegetables and noodles as much.
That’s when it hits me… my stomach… my guts… too much!
Help me throw it up, or I’ll die of an overdose of Mmmmm mmmmm goodness!