The town guard dragged the mad puppeteer into the castle and threw him at the feet of the duke.
The captain of the guard whispered ‘Blasphemy” into the duke’s ear.
“Cut out the tongues of the puppets,” he responded.
“It’s the man who speaks, not the puppets,” said the captain.
“Let me see,” said the duke.
The puppeteer crawled closer, and looking up at the duke, he laughed.
“What is so funny?”
The puppeteer smiled and removed the puppets from his hands, revealing concealed daggers.
“You killed my wife and daughters,” he said, stabbing the daggers into the duke’s chest.
Category: My stories
The Wolves
I am being chased by wolves.
How many wolves, I’m not sure, because I am running from them as fast as I can, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to turn around and count them.
I could try to run backwards, but I wouldn’t be able to dodge any oncoming obstacles.
I tried to snap a photograph of them to count the wolves, but despite the image stabilizing feature on this smartphone, the picture is too blurry to count the wolves.
However, based on several photographs, I can tell that they are gaining on me.
I must run faster.
Bank Evolution
When I was young, you had to cash a check at the issuing bank and then deposit the cash at your bank.
When the check interchange system was created, you could deposit a check at your own bank without fuss, but you still had to fill out a deposit slip.
Eventually, banks eliminated the deposit slips, because when they knew who you are, they knew your account.
Now, you can snap a photo of a check with the bank’s smartphone application, and they’ll handle it all electronically.
I hope the check clears quickly, because I need a new smartphone soon.
Keyboard Error
In high school, we used Macintoshes. We learned how to use a mouse and copy-paste things in word processors.
There were Macs in college, too. I got quite handy with the fan key and X for cut, C for copy, and so on.
My first job was in a Windows shop. The Control key did the commands.
For almost 20 years, I’ve been using Windows and Control-C for copy, Control-V for paste.
Now, I’m in a Mac shop. It’s fan-C for copy.
I am trying, but I keep hitting the wrong keys.
At least my head hits the desk correctly.
The Mad Tongue
It’s been a long time since I had my teeth cleaned.
So long, that the tartar buildup warped the shape of my teeth and gums significantly, but my tongue easily got used to the gradual change in topography
A bit of tartar broke away, and the resulting jagged crag drove my tongue insane. I licked that spot constantly.
When I finally had all the tartar removed, my teeth were clean and tartar-free smooth.
My tongue, unused to the new shape, roamed the interior of my teeth crazily like an idiot in a round room told to stand in the corner.
Bed Bath and Be A Good Worker Bee
I started a new job recently. It is in an office building next to a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Despite the high prices, we get a lot of coupons for them in the mail.
This means I can pick up decorations and stuff for my new desk while getting things for home.
However, I need to be careful that I don’t mix them up.
Although I’m sure some of my coworkers could use some time with a loofah and lavender body wash, and I’m certain the cats would really like to have another desk lamp to knock over and break.
A Time
Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a time for everything.
To die.
To weep.
To mourn.
Every time I look at the shelf I put your box of ashes on, these are the only three I can remember.
So, I put down the empty bottle of vodka, pick up a Bible, and read it to remind myself that there are other times.
To laugh.
To mend.
To heal.
And for a moment, I smile.
Then, a twenty-dollar bill falls out.
I put down the Bible, pick up the twenty, and think:
Oh good. I can get more vodka now.
Boiling Point
An old saying goes that to boil a frog, you need to put the frog in the pot and then turn the heat up slowly. Otherwise, the frog will feel the boiling water and leap out.
This is stupid.
Whenever I boil a frog, I throw it in the pot of boiling water with one hand and slam the lid down with the other hand.
Or, I’ll whack the frog against the countertop to stun it before throwing it into the pot.
If those two methods don’t work, I’ll just play my Titanic DVD so it will jump in willingly.
Glaciers and Teeth
Despite having insurance, I hadn’t gone to the dentist in ten years.
My gums bled.
And chunks of tartar flaked off like icebergs falling off of glaciers.
Finally, I went to get my teeth checked after a large chunk came loose, making me think I’d broken a tooth.
Four cleanings and a lot of blood later, my teeth have changed shape, and I am constantly probing and licking that area.
I can’t stop. It’s maddening.
So, I wear a mouthguard. I don’t talk.
And I brush constantly. Religiously.
I’m sure I’m wearing my teeth down.
I lick that spot again.
Timing Is Everything
The new iPhone will be available next week, but the one I have now is falling apart.
The home button takes a few pushes to work. And the lock button on the top doesn’t work at all. Either I plug the phone in to wake it up, or turn off Auto-Lock and leave the screen on constantly.
I bought the extended warranty, but it ran out a week ago.
Right before all these problems came up.
My friends say that Apple products are brilliantly engineered.
I’d agree, if the old one failed just as I was buying the new one.