I don’t know who was more shocked… me or the genie that came out of the rusty hurricane lamp I rubbed.
He started talking about wishes when the doorbell rang.
“It’s Christmas,” I said. “Fucking carolers, I bet.”
We went upstairs, down the hall, and opened the door.
Yup. Fucking carolers!
“We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!”
I started to mumble something.
Genie clapped his hands together.
And then the carolers burst into flames and died.
“So, what’s wish number two?”
I wasted a wish on…
Fucking carolers!
Category: My stories
Ornaments
I’m Jewish, my wife’s a witch, and we put up a tree for the holidays.
I do it because it’s fun, pretty, and the cats like it.
Some cats sleep under the tree.
Others like to burrow into piles of gifts like mountain lions in caves.
And then there’s ones who bite off the plastic needles and barf them up.
Our littlest cat, Myst, likes to pick off the ornaments one by one.
My wife yells at her, but she keeps doing it anyway.
“Why does she keep doing that?”
(Don’t tell her I spray the ornaments in catnip, okay?)
Look A Lot Like
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but the machines have made a few mistakes here and there to make it obvious that it’s all just a ruse to keep our minds occupied while they use our bodies as power sources in gigantic energy farms.
Santa’s wearing white with red trim, the Christmas trees are covered with honey glazed ham, and all these fucking red-nosed reindeer everywhere.
As for the men in black suits with earpieces and sunglasses at every streetcorner, well, that’s actually what America was like before the machines got smart and conquered us.
Stupid Patriot Act!
The Fourth Kind Of Elf
Some elves bake cookies.
Other elves make shoes.
And then a rare few build toys in Santa’s workshop.
Somehow, people forget there’s a fourth job for elves: the military.
I mean, did you ever see Legolas baking cookies, making shoes, or building toys?
Hell no. That dude was killing orcs and other foul monsters with his bow and arrows… Twang! Twang! Twang!
I don’t think he can bake, and I’m sure he doesn’t make his own shoes, but if you asked Santa for “A dead orc with an arrow sticking out of it” I bet Legolas can fill that order.
A man of many hats
Billy and Willy are alike, identical to their bellybuttons.
But they are not rich. In fact, they’re quite poor.
(And somewhat mad.)
Come Christmas time, each puts his hat in a gift box and sticks it under the tree.
They exchange gifts this way every year at Christmas.
Year after year, using the same box, same bow and ribbon.
Billy and Willy open their gift box together, smile widely, and say “It’s exactly what I need!” in chorus.
They died on the same day, were buried in the same coffin.
With the one hat on William’s head, for all eternity.
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Every year, I get asked the same question.
“What do you want for Christmas?”
Hrm. I have no idea.
I’m rather content with the stuff I’ve got.
Maybe an extra scrub brush for the carpet cleaner when the cat vomits, but beside that, I’m good.
“You don’t give scrub brushes for Christmas,” she says.
She dumped a pile of catalogs in my lap, and leaves more and more catalogs out for me to review.
I look through them, all full of crap I don’t want or need.
Then, I spot something.
A paper shredder.
For all these fucking catalogs.
Perfect.
Figgy
Some people get a bit carried away with Christmas.
I’m not talking about the trees and lights and manger scenes in front lawns.
What I worry about is the carolers.
Some stick to the basics, like Silent Night.
They sing the song, shake the charity tipjar, and move along.
But others, well, they’ve fucking lost it.
One roaming chorus took We Wish You A Merry Christmas over the edge, threatening people with demands for figgy pudding.
Who the fuck keeps figgy pudding around anyway?
Is the wassail boiling yet?
Good. Open the door and I’ll toss it in their faces.
Not So Wise
After they left Bethlehem, the Three Wise Men returned back to their homelands and got chewed out by their clans for giving their wares away to some strange family in a barn.
The myrrh and the frankincense weren’t much in demand at the time, so those guys got off easy with whippings. But the guy with the gold really blew it, and he was sold into slavery for his temporary bout of madness.
Still, he’d tell tales of following the star, giving gold to The Newborn King Of The Jews.
So they cut out his tongue to shut him up.
Holiday Tradition
It’s a holiday tradition that the kids get to open a present on Christmas Eve and then the rest on Christmas Day.
It’s fun to watch them picking up and shaking the boxes, figuring out which to open first.
They’ve been asking for a puppy for years, but I didn’t think they were old enough for one.
Until now.
The box was in front of the others, and the puppy kept trying to get out, whining and barking.
They picked the box up, and shook it.
Hard. Really hard.
It stopped whining.
Silence.
Hrm. Maybe they’re not old enough yet.
Doctor Santa
Despite being a mad scientist, Doctor Odd did work in the community.
After all, every good community needs science, and every scientist needs lab assistants and test subjects.
Around Christmastime, he’d volunteer as Santa for the orphanage.
He’d ask every child what they wanted for Christmas.
Some wanted bicycles. Others wanted puppies.
Those he could do. Licensing his patents made him extremely rich, and he had Amazon Plus.
But most wanted a family.
That, he couldn’t help.
One girl in a wheelchair wanted to walk again, so he built her gigantic robotic legs.
Which stomped the bicycles and puppies flat.