You look tired.
Let me tell you a secret.
Some people wake up to the smell of freshly-brewed coffee, but caffeine is a drug and that just gets you wired for an hour.
I was late when my coffee machine broke, so while I was showering, I peed in the drain.
It takes a few seconds for the smell to hit your nose, but when it does, it sure as heck wakes you up.
Yeah, no matter how good your aim is, you still need to wash the tub down.
At least you’re awake.
(Just don’t take a shit, okay?)
Category: My stories
Smash And Grab
My car was broken into.
Someone smashed the window and grabbed my backgammon set.
Why? It was only ten bucks at Wal-Mart. And they left my GPS, which is worth way more.
I mean, I understand leaving the radio. That’s bolted, secured, and a pain to steal. But taking a cheap backgammon case? Crazy.
The insurance company wants a police report. The police are busy and say “Use the app.”
I snap some photos, tap in a form, and email them.
A repair truck is dispatched. They fix the window and hand me a receipt.
I play backgammon online now.
Drug Problem
Two tablets of worry, chewable.
One tablet of fear, swallowed whole. If you feel light-headed, do not operate heavy machinery or operate a motor vehicle.
Three capsules of lust, taken with milk or mashed up in applesauce.
One tube of hunger, to be smeared on the thighs daily and allowed to dry before dressing.
Two drops of envy, one for each eye. May cause temporary blindness. If condition persists for more than four hours, purchase a dog and a cane.
And finally, one shot of…
What? You’re afraid of needles?
Shit. I should have given you this one first then.
The Velveteen Robot
Tony is a robot, an experiment in artificial intelligence and learning.
Joe goes down to the lab and reads books to the robot.
The robot listens quietly.
Once, after reading The Velveteen Rabbit, the robot asks if it could ever be alive.
Joe doesn’t know how to answer.
“I am the Velveteen Robot,” says Tony.
Joe shrugs, and brings in velvet for the robot to wrap in.
Tony bends its pair of antenna, wraps them like rabbit ears, sews on cotton for a tail.
Then it tries to hop, jars a power cable loose, and falls over with a thud.
Come Out Swinging
I once knew a judge who was sick and tired of his rulings getting appealed.
So, every time a court overturned one of his rulings, he’d drive to that judge’s house and punch them in the face.
Still the appeals kept coming, so he changed tactics: when someone appealed his rulings, he’d drive to their house and punch them in the face.
These days, he strides into the courtroom, wearing his black robe like a boxer’s, preferring black trunks with black boots and gloves.
He smacks the gavel against the bell, comes out swinging, and the litigants run for cover.
Ken
Have you ever heard of Ken Nordine?
He’s a famous voiceover artist.
Oh, and he did a bunch of albums and recordings called Word Jazz.
You’d recognize him if I played one of his pieces.
Hold on… let me play a track for you…
You’ve heard him?
I told you so.
Well, the voices in my head sound exactly like him.
Ken Nordine. In my head.
Telling me to set things on fire.
And kill people.
But he’s so mellow, that I’m too relaxed and chilled out to set things on fire and kill people.
Until my meds wear off.
Jar
We lay down, I hold her close, and she’s shaking.
She tells me she has bad dreams.
So, I whisper “Tell me about them” into her ear.
She shakes her head. “No.”
I hold her tighter, then… i breathe in deep.
I feel her relax as I suck the bad memories out through her ear.
They taste horrible, vomit and burning slime.
I reach for the jar, and spit the dreams out.
I seal the lid tightly.
Done.
She smiles, her eyes distant… vacant…
Safe.
I lay back down, hold her close.
Maybe this time, she’ll not drink them again.
Backwards and in Heels
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in heels.
Absolutely everything. Just like that Benjamin Button fellow, she aged backwards.
At first, she needed makeup and pain pills to match her dance partner’s youth and speed, but over time, her body loosened up, and her wrinkles faded.
Oh, how radiant they were, Ginger’s bright face, shining like a starlet’s, gazing into Fred’s eyes.
Younger… younger… then, the audiences got suspicious, so the makeup boys came back in to turn forward the clock.
They looked back and laughed, Fred wheezing heavily, and Ginger as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Turning Evil
The Black Rhinoceros recently became extinct.
Poachers hunted the species to extinction because traditional Chinese medicine says their pulverized horns are used for banishing demons.
Many other species are also being hunted to extinction because of similar bogus medical practices.
Since fining poachers and impounding poached material hasn’t worked, I proposed a new solution:
A new branch of quack medicine where the dried and powdered hearts of poachers made for an anti-aging powder.
As for the Chinese medicine practitioners, their pituitary glands make for excellent protection from income tax audits.
When you can’t defeat evil alone, turn evil on itself.
Fresh Breath Of Fear
A long time ago, I had a bronchial infection.
The doctor prescribed antibiotics, painkillers, and inhalers.
The weird thing is, after I’d take a puff of the inhaler, I lost my fear of heights.
I could lean over railings or ride glass elevators, and instead of freaking out, I’d look around and enjoy the view.
I’m sure it wasn’t the antibiotics or painkillers, because I ran out of those eventually, but had plenty of inhalers.
They didn’t last forever, though, and the fear came back.
At least asthmatics can’t put up much of a fight when I need a fix.