Unlike Johnny Appleseed, Louie Landmine was a real prick.
He went around the countryside, planting landmines.
Every so often, you’d hear an explosion. Another victim of Louie’s vile project.
Prick.
Whenever Louie got arrested, he managed to make bail.
Or, if the judge didn’t allow for bail, his attorney would win the case.
“Where’s your evidence?” he said. “Were there any witnesses? Anything to match his fingerprints to left?”
The jury would usually end up hung, or find him not guilty.
Until the court managed to find twelve of his victims to pack a jury.
They shot him at dawn.
Category: My stories
Schrödinger’s Beans
Some people like chili with beans, and others like it without.
Sure, you can make a pot of each, but there’s a more elegant one-pot solution.
When he wasn’t in the lab working on quantum physics, Erwin Schrödinger was in the kitchen, cooking for friends, family, and coworkers.
When he made chili, he ran into the same bean problem. Fussy eaters whining about beans or no beans.
So, just for them, he made a special pot of chili.
They didn’t know if it had beans until they got agonizing cramps.
“Serves you right!” he’d shout. “You’re fussier than my cat!”
Try This
Every so often, you’ll see a stunt on television where they say “We’re experts, you’re not. So don’t try this at home.” People still do that stuff, and they get hurt.
(Idiots!)
And when you browse websites, you’ll see warnings that a link is “Not safe for work.” People still click it and get fired.
(Dumbasses!)
But there’s a few things out there that absolutely nobody should do, see, or experience.
They’re kept in a vault 3 miles underground, guarded around the clock.
I know this, because I’m one of the guards.
And the fucking elevator’s out of order.
(Sonofabitch!)
The Invention
I started as a chemist, working on cures for diseases and debilitating chronic conditions.
Instead, my research ended up being marketed for food coloring, artificial flavors, and other enhancements for cheap mass-produced foods.
Disgusted, I turned to physics, working on renewable and environmentally-friendly energy generation methods.
To my horror, the technology ended up used to create gaudy and useless toys and gadgets that people would play with for a while, then throw in the trash.
That’s when I gave up, moved to the woods, and bred dogs.
Anyway, that’s my story. So, Mr. Vick, which dogs did you want again?
Best Friends
I like to watch online movies where two vastly different animals have close bonds and friendships.
The cutest I’ve seen is a black cat that plays with an owl. The owl swoops while the cat leaps up at it, or the owl hops on the ground while the cat turns circles.
As for the weirdest, I suppose it’s not easy having a giant squid as your best friend.
Especially if you’re a sperm whale.
Watching these two play and wrestle makes my heart swoon with joy.
And terror.
(Because our boat’s right above them, and they’re heading to the surface.)
Help
For the longest time, I used to say that the most powerful key on the keyboard was the F1 key.
F1 is the shortcut to Help for most applications.
Have you used the Help menu recently?
Just search for the topic or ask your question, and Help gives you steps to complete your task.
Or, you can look up tutorials to learn how to use various functions.
With Help, I’ve learned how to do everything I need to do on the computer.
Well, almost everything.
I hit the power key on my laptop, and it shuts down.
(Now that’s powerful.)
The Judge
The judge put on his best robe, checked it in the mirror, and walked into the courtroom.
Streamers and balloons shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY! were arranged around his bench and the jury box.
The courthouse’s best punchbowl was filled with what was supposed to be a simple red punch, but his bailiff was notorious for spiking it every year.
The bailiff’s wink confirmed it.
And then there was the cake… biggest, fanciest one he’d ever seen.
That’s when he realized… where was everybody else?
The guests? The partiers?
He shrugged, issued a flurry of bench warrants, and tried the punch.
Delicious!
Feed The Ducks
When I was young, my dad would take us to the ponds out by the Volkswagen offices. We’d feed the swans there.
These days, I’ll pick up a sandwich from the local Subway, eat the meat and vegetables out of it, and then walk to a small landscaped lake. The ducks and swans get the leftover bread.
Once, all the ducks and swans were gone. In their place were a set of wooden decoys, floating out on the lake.
What do decoys eat?
I quickly scribbled pictures of loaves of bread on my notepad and tossed them into the lake.
Paris Rehab
Remember that cokehead heiress actress chick?
You know, the spoiled bitch who went around with a little dog in her purse?
They checked her into rehab again.
Same old shit:
Get wrecked.
Get headlines.
Get clean.
Get out.
Get wrecked again.
We did our best to get her into Betty Ford, but they put her here.
Shit.
But this time, we tried something new.
We ignored the chick and worked on the dog.
Poor beast was traumatized by all the fast cars, parties, and drugs.
Teacup Chihuahuas shake, but not like this.
We’ll get him adopted.
(But the chick’s hopeless.)
Dolly
When people asked Dolly Parton what she wanted people to say about her in 100 years, she’d say: “Darn, she looks good for her age!”
When the zombie outbreak swept across the country, Dolly was one of the many millions roaming the streets moaning “BRAAAAAAINS!”
Well, not exactly moaning. She still had a bit of that sweet friendly twang to her voice. Some say she’d toss in a “Howdy, y’all!” and “How ya doin?”
The plague was contained, she was caught, and after all these years, her still-groaning corpse is in Examination Pod Nine.
And, damn, she looks like shit.