She has a reputation for breaking hearts.
Which is why she got pulled off of the artificial heart assembly line and put in the product testing group.
“If you’re going to break these things, we’d rather you do it in a way that helps save lives, not kill people,” said the factory managers.
The curious thing is, when she breaks a heart, analysts look over the heart and can’t find the reason why it failed.
“She had such promise,” says a factory manager. “So much potential. It’s too painful to watch her fail like this.”
And another heart is broken.
Category: My stories
Nervous reaction
As a nuclear scientist, I’m familiar with chain reactions and have made a career of harnessing and controlling them.
If not enough atoms get excited, the reaction dies out.
If too many get excited, the reaction gets out of control and…
Well, let’s just say the least of it is that I lose my job.
Not that I’m worried about that. I’m really good with chain reactions.
Well, usually good.
However, when it comes to nervous reactions, I’m completely hopeless.
One person in a crowd gets excited.
Then two.
Then ten.
Then twenty.
I guess shouting “RADIATION LEAK!” doesn’t help.
Snowglobe
I may look young, but I’m really over one hundred years old.
What’s my secret?
I drink nothing but the fluid from snowglobes.
You see, they fill those things with water from The Fountain Of Youth.
That’s where the sparkle comes from.
Ambrosia. Nectar of the Gods.
Oh, sure, it looks like ordinary water.
But it’s not. It’s powerful magic.
And it’s kept me alive for over one hundred years.
Crack it open… drink right from the snowglobe, don’t pour it into a glass.
Feel the tingle. Feel the burn.
Live forever.
Just try not to choke on the snowman.
The last ticket
The woman at the ticket counter smiled, handed me the ticket, and then drew down a shade with CLOSED printed on it.
The line was long and the groans of frustration were loud.
Some asked me how much I wanted for my ticket.
Others wanted to see the ticket, but I was afraid they’d steal it.
I was surrounded: people making offers, begging for me to take their children with me.
I ran for the door, handed my ticket to the usher, and he tore off the stub.
Damn these exclusive Harry Potter movie premieres! Can’t they open more screens?
Mister Clean
Mister Clean wasn’t always clean.
Despite his parents’ best efforts, he refused to clean his room.
“You’d better clean your room,” his mother would say. “Or you’re not getting any dinner.”
“Fine by me,” he said. “Everything you make tastes like ammonia and bleach anyway.”
She’d send him to his room, and he’d happy comply, slamming the door shut.
“At least we don’t have to see his room with the door closed,” his father said.
But they did have to smell it.
So, they took him to a mental hospital, where his head was shaved and he received shock therapy.
The Imaginary Volcano
Remember that volcano in Iceland that erupted last year and disrupted travel for weeks?
Which volcano?
Well, um…
I can’t pronounce the name.
And that’s what I wanted to talk about.
Nobody talked about it before it erupted, but when it did, people talked about it all the time.
Just because the name was unpronounceable, it didn’t mean they didn’t talk about it.
They just called it “That Icelandic volcano” over there.
So changing your name to something unpronounceable won’t keep you out of the press.
Or off of wanted posters.
Let’s just wear masks when we rob banks, okay?
Resolve
Breakfast, lunch and dinner: I always eat at the diner.
The moment I open the menu is when my resolve fails.
Honestly, I have no idea what I want. The more choices, the less able I am to choose.
Help.
I ask the waitress what she suggests, and she says “Well, what are you in the mood for?”
“Surprise me,” I say.
She takes the menu with a trembling hand, backing slowly into the kitchen.
The lights go out.
There’s a scream and then a thud.
Then, I hear sirens.
I shout “On second thought, I’ll have eggs over easy!”
Love transplant
Look, it’s Valentine’s Day, and we’ve got to deal with this together.
Fred’s dead, and there’s no changing that, but that doesn’t mean your love has to die with him.
They got him to the hospital in time to harvest your love out of him and implant it in me.
The recovery’s been difficult, but with intensive rehabilitation, I think I’m ready to leave the hospital.
The doctors warned me there was a risk of rejection… did you take the pills they gave you?
No? Yes?
Oh well. I guess you’ll just have to settle for loving just me then.
Wake Up To Chili
Hey, ynow what’s really cool to wake up to?
The beautiful, delicious smell of chili.
I love chili, dude, so when I smell it, I’m wide awake right then and there.
It’s so much better than a buzzer or music or bright lights because all I did then was hit the snooze bar.
There’s no hitting the snooze bar when the air is full of the sweet aroma of five-alarm chili.
And when you lean over to take out that spoon to taste it, well, you’re up and running to the bathroom to put out that fire in your mouth.
River City
The conman broke into the library at night to do his research on the town.
Henry Hill may have been an awful music teacher, but he was brilliant when it came to the field of meteorology.
Studying the flood records, he calculated the perfect window in which to roll out his music lessons scam.
The final parade would coincide with the biggest storm of the season and massive flooding.
Henry put his notes in his pocket and went to the librarian’s desk.
Nice perfume, he thought. But he was strictly business on his scams…
Oh, such a pretty name… Marian.