Category: My stories

Groceries

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I know, it’s not considered socially acceptable to eat something in the grocery store before you check out and actually buy it.
But there’s some situations where you just have to break from the norm.
I’m not talking about a free sample here and there, okay?
When I see parents let kids stick their grubby hands in the bulk bins or cracking open a soda bottle on a day when it’s not hot, that drives me mad.
And it distracts me from this boiling pot for the lobsters.
Got the butter melted yet, or do you need another cigarette lighter?

Scarecrow

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After Dorothy slew the Wicked Witch and Scarecrow was crowned as King Of Oz to rule in place of the departing Wizard, the sharpness of the tacks in his head didn’t always lead to the brightest of decisions.
Time brings rust, after all.
He was hailed when he was wise.
He was vilified for his foolish times.
So he enjoyed the times when he was hoisted on shoulders and led through Emerald City in a parade.
And he learned to hide when angry mobs wanted to burn him in effigy.
“They might mistake me for the dummy again,” he whispers.

Heartache

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After the funeral, I fired up Johnny’s brainscan on the simulator.
Johnny eventually calmed down, and I was able to understand him.
He wanted to know what was said at his funeral, who was there, and who wasn’t.
He also wanted to know how his donated organs were holding up.
(I guess when you don’t have kids or pets or someone else in your life, that’s the next best thing, right?)
I asked him what his password was.
When he finally told me, I logged on to the banking system, transferred the money, and deleted his will and brainscan files.

Codebreakers

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Deep under a secret military base, there’s a room.
In the room, 100 clones of the world’s greatest codebreaker work day and night.
We feed signals into their headphones and laptops, and they work furiously on their decoding machines.
Chewing up top secret military communications is their specialty. There hasn’t been a code invented that can get by them.
We can’t let them out, but we can bring them games and puzzles.
We used to show them movies, but someone decided to show them David Lynch and Terry Gilliam films.
Had to grow a new batch of clones after that.

The Ants

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All day long, Jimmy would burn ants with a magnifying glass, grinning madly.
He did this for weeks on end, until the ants all vanished.
Did he burn them all?
Hardly.
At night, the ants went into the tool shed, gathering up metal and lawn care chemicals.
With tiny ant hammers and anvils, they pounded and shaped until, at last, they were ready.
The sun woke Jimmy up, and he dressed quickly to go out to play.
As he stared at the anthill, it erupted into a deadly green cloud.
The ants on the roof wove their antenna with joy.

We, the Confused

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Hey, man. We’ll go sit around a fire in the woods, passing a funstick around.
“Cmon, lick one side, then the other, and then pass it on.
After a few seconds, you’ll notice a bit of wobbling around the edges of everything.
Colors change.
Shapes change.
Everything changes.
Trippy!
Then, normal comes back in a rush.
For a while, normal feels like change, and everything around you is new and strange.
Okay, now get up. Feel the bark on the trees. Feel the grass.
Look at the stars.
Wicked, right?
Just don’t reach for the flame, dude. Total party foul.

They should do something

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The bumpersticker on the first SUV said “DRILL BABY DRILL.”
The other SUV had dozens of stickers representing environmental groups which disagreed with that sentiment.
Same make.
Same model.
Same lousy gas mileage.
Both were parked next to each other at the grocery store.
They’d both run inside “for just a minute” and left the engines running.
And the doors unlocked.
So, I reached in and turned the keys, shutting off the engines.
Then I threw the keys down a sewer grate.
Maybe it won’t make a bit of difference in the end.
But, unlike these two assholes, I tried.

Do you believe in magic?

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How does that old song go? “Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s eye?”
I sure do. Which is why so many girls in this village have eyepatches and I’m still healthy after ninety years on the throne.
They make the most potent longevity potions.
I’ve warned the royal magician to be fair about his harvesting of eyes, though.
Visit each girl only once, and pay twenty gold coins. No sense in getting a reputation for miserliness and unnecessary cruelty.
And, despite my desire to live forever, I’d rather not be king in the valley of the blind.

Fighting City Hall

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Remember the old saying that you can’t fight City Hall?
Well, those people were wrong.
City Hall cut me off while I was driving to work, so I chased it down and yelled at it when we got to the parking garage.
Harsh words were exchanged, and the next thing I knew City Hall had punched me in the gut.
So, I swung back and we fought for a bit, and I won.
By the time the cops arrived, we sorted out our differences and I drove off.
The next day, someone had keyed my car door.
Motherfucking City Hall!

Drawers

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Sandy took off her shoes and sat down.
Then she slid off her jeans, took off her top, and tossed aside her bra.
Stepping out of her panties, she opened her drawer and dropped her breasts on a towel.
Then she reached between her legs and peeled quickly.
(It stung less that way.)
Shutting the drawer, she opened another, and put himself back together.
Looking in the mirror, he wiped the makeup from his face.
He checked the clock: a little early.
He smiled, and opened the first drawer.
A gentle, soft caress – and then he got dressed for work.