Category: My stories

The Mermaid Feast

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Old Captain Jack was a friend to all creatures of the sea, so when he died, they took his boat out thirty miles from shore and cast him into the briny deep.
Six mermaids caught his shrouded body and escorted him over the horizon.
The crew set course for port, but winds blew them back out, and they came across the mermaids.
They were feasting on Jack’s corpse, hands drenched in gore and blood.
The crew wanted to fire their cannon to scatter the mermaids, but instead they just watched.
Watching half-naked cannibal women are better than nothing, I suppose.

Fooling Osiris

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Rameses knew he was a royal dick. His heart was heavy with guilt. So, he constructed a fake from red feathers.
“That way I pass Osiris’ Test of Balances and go into Paradise,” he said.
On the day of their master’s death, his assistants did as he wished. They tore out his heart, put it in a jar, and carefully implanted the feather construct.
Then, they were put to death and buried with him.
Osiris looked at the feather-heart.
“Light, isn’t it?” said Ramses.
“Yes,” he said. “Pretty.”
Then, he took out a jar. “But this one says you’re fucked.”

Clown Fights

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Billy and Bobby live next door to each other. They have the same birthday, too.
That’s caused problems.
You see, Billy and Bobby hate each other. And those feelings boil over when they have their birthday parties.
One year, they each got a pony. Cute, right?
Wrong. It ended up in a jousting duel.
This year, they’ve each got clowns. Bobby slashing Billy’s clown’s tires got things off on the wrong floppy-shoed foot.
The rubber chickens and balloon animals are flying. I’ve seen a few clods of dirt and bricks.
Better bring the cake inside. And get me my shotgun.

Olympic Medalist

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Sally trained hard for years, dreaming of the day that she’d win the gold at the Olympics.
Her family sacrificed so much for her, giving up so much so she’d have the best trainer and the best equipment.
They paid off the Board Of Education so that her training would count as school credits.
No need for math and science when there’s a medal to be won, right?
Which, that summer, she won.
And promptly then fell off the medal podium, shattering her leg.
No endorsements. No career.
Nothing.
For years, she used that medal to scratch off lottery tickets.

New Phone

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I bought a new phone.
It has a lot of features, but instead of sitting down and reading the manual, I’m going to power it up and then complain about how hard it is to use.
Yes, I’m that much of an impatient dick. Instead of spending a little time now to save a lot of time later, I just like to hear the sound of my own angry, bitching voice.
The box says it’s supposed to have all sorts of stuff. Including a stun gun.
But I don’t have time to read about it… hey, my first call!
YEOW!

The Right Religion

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After thousands of years of praying, sacrificing, killing, maiming, and suffering through gospel music, mankind had finally determined which of all religions was the right one.
The Global Address System, normally reserved for planetwide emergencies, was turned on as the researchers revealed their findings.
“We have determined that the Supreme Being is the 2917k5b Asteroid,” they said. “This mighty rock may not be the creator of our universe, but it will certainly be our destruction.”
Riots and chaos spread across the globe, and billions of people died.
“Nice joke there, Dr. Walters,” said a scientist. “Solved that pesky population problem.”

The Dying Killers

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We smuggle the temple priests, women, and children out of the village under cover of darkness.
The jihad strikes at dawn, mercilessly killing everyone.
The children and women are told not to cry, lest we be spotted.
They cry silently, never sleeping.
The next day, we wait and watch the jihad march South.
Then, one by one, the killers drop dead in the sand.
Returning to the village, we see the destruction… blood everywhere, animals slaughtered, men cut in half, and buildings burned.
And the false granary, full of poisoned seed, empty.
The priests bless the dead, and we rebuild.

Fungusville

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There’s nothing unusual about Fungusville.
It’s a typical small town just a half mile or so off the freeway.
There’s houses, schools, businesses, and even a Main Street.
City Hall has a square with a cannon, a fountain, and a statue as part of a war memorial.
They have two churches, and they have a softball game on the Fourth of July every year.
No matter how many people I ask, nobody knows where the name Fungusville came from, or why someone would name a town after fungus.
Rubes!
I shrug and hop on the bus back to Hemorrhoid Falls.

Colin Cares

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Does Colin care?
You can’t tell by looking at Colin’s face. He’s always got the same confused expression on his face.
Colin is easily confused.
Snap your fingers, and he’ll turn his head to see what’s the racket.
Set fire to his shoes, and he’ll just watch them, trying to figure out why they’re burning.
“Don’t you care that your shoes are on fire, Colin?” I shout.
Colin just stands there, watching.
I pour a bucket of water on his feet, putting out the flames.
“They’re not my shoes,” mutters Colin. “They’re my roommate’s.”
And he goes back to staring.

Oatmeal and Raisins

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We shut down the particle accelerator, turn off the lights and call it a day.
Back in the break room, a food fight breaks out. We’re throwing cookies at each other.
Smashed cookies litter the floor.
And then, upon closer inspection…
“Wait,” says Dr. Thompson. “These are plain oatmeal cookies, right?”
“Right,” says his assistant.
“Then where did all these raisins come from?”
He picks one up, and begins to theorize on cookie particles in other dimensions, crossing over with energy transformation.
Then he tastes it.
And makes a horrible face.
I shrug and call the exterminator.
“We’ve got rats.”