Category: My stories

The Chart

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My doctor put down the chart and did a little happy dance.
“Does this mean I’m cured?” I ask.
“No,” says the doctor. “You’re not in fact, it’s terminal.”
“I’m going to die?”
“Yes, but not soon. In fact, it will be a long, painful, agonizing death.”
“Then what’s the dance for?”
“Nobody’s seen what you’ve got before.”
“Why is that good?”
“I’ll get it named after me,” he said. “I’ll be famous.”
He asked a nurse for a bottle of champagne. “Drink up, it can’t hurt. At least, I don’t think so.”
And he toasted to my bad health.

Businessman Specials

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They call early afternoon baseball games “Businessman Specials.”
You might ask why call them that?
After playing a full game the night before, the teams aren’t going to be at their best. So, the players take the day off and the front office suits up.
Ever seen a marketing and branding specialist try to charge a bunt from third?
Almost as ugly as one trying to justify seven-dollar beers while watching a sub-500 cellar-dwelling bum squad.
Or your 100 million dollar cleanup man picking up a broom and cleaning up the stands.
Seen his slugging percentage?
Better make him mop.

The Play

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Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town.
This week was different.
You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts.
Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke.
So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause.
Hamlet had never been so… delicious.
When the curtain fell for the last time, we gave them a standing ovation.
And then, got out our wine and crackers.

Billy the Kid

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Feelin’ lucky tonight?
William Bonney over in Accounting was a renegade CPA who settled down and went corporate.
But during Audit Season, the Call of the West got in his blood, and he became Billy the Billing Kid.
Forms? Ledgers? Books?
He’s put them all away and reached for his sixguns.
He’d shoot down lawyers and tax agents and all sorts of credit service representatives.
Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable became Accounts Dead when he faced off with them on Main Street at High Noon.
Billy wasn’t killed by no sheriff.
Downsizing, man. It gets us all in the end.

The Bunny Mafia

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You want to know? Well, I’m dead either way, I might as well talk.
You want to hear about The Bunny Mafia?
I’ll tell you about it.
Yeah, I ran with the rabbits. Cooked books for the Five Hutches, trafficked in hookers.
You know. Because they screw like rabbits.
No drugs. Only carrots, lettuce, cabbage – they like vegetables. The fresher, the better.
Then, one day, a package arrives. It’s a bloody foot on a chain, wrapped in newspaper.
“Little Bunny Fufu sleeps with the Easter Eggs,” said The Harefather.
Yeah, he got whacked on the head, alright.
He got whacked.

The Rainbow Eyes

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Every time Jesse blinks, her eyes change color.
From blue to brown to green to yellow to red…
“Is it some kind of newfangled contact lenses?” I ask.
She laughs. “I was hang gliding and flew through a rainbow,” she said. “Apparently, there’s some kind of magic in rainbows that does this.”
You’re supposed to wear goggles, but Jesse’s broke and fell off, leaving her eyes unprotected.
“What about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?” I asked.
“I wish,” she said, sighing. “Just the eyes.”
She picked up her cane, and her dog led her away.

Bulletproof

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Someone who’s ready to buy something right then and there has The Look.
The salesman saw it on all the customers he’d just finished demonstrating a high-end laptop to.
“So, any questions?” he asked, snapping the laptop shut.
“How rugged is it?” asked a banker.
The salesman swept the laptop off of the table and it hit the floor.
He picked it up and turned it on.
No damage.
“It’s practically bulletproof,” he said.
A shot rang out, and a bullet dented the case, but the laptop stayed on.
“We’ll take a thousand,” said the Army Colonel, holstering his pistol.

Kuzo

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Most sushi chefs won’t go near a mermaid, but Kuzo will slice up any sea creature if the price is right.
He retired rich after the Loch Ness Monster went missing, but Kuzo and basketball have a love/hate relationship.
Especially when Vegas was involved.
Leviathan, Sea Hag ” you name it, he’s carved it up for Japanese businessmen and celebrities to turn a quick buck.
Remember Charlie The Tuna? His schtick was that he wasn’t good enough for Starkist, so they wouldn’t take him?
When was the last time you saw him on TV?
Sorry, Charlie ” Kuzo’s bookie is calling.

Fistfucking The Platypus

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I’ve read every overpriced advice book there is at the bookstore.
Who Moved My Cheese? and Throwing The Elephant didn’t help with my miserable stupid job, meaningless life, and spiritual bankruptcy. I just got shit on more.
So, I decided to write my own overpriced advice book: Fistfucking The Platypus.
I put tons of bad advice between the covers, added crappy drawings that a third grader with two broken hands could doodle up, and then put a twenty-dollar price tag on the hardback.
Despite my not mentioning platypuses, PETA doesn’t like it.
They can just bend over like…
You know.

The Bard

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We locked up the bard for his own safety.
If the king heard these nonsense rhymes, he’d certainly cut off his head.
I mean, here’s an example of his madness:
When an elephant coughs and sneezes.
It bends and falls to all four kneeses.
It wipes its trunk on what it pleases.
Then coughs things up in wheezes.
Bugs and germs upon the breezes.
Covered with disgusting fleases.
It’s how they spread such bad diseases.
Until the cough and sneezes eases.
The king is fond of his elephant herd, and to insult them in such a manner is certain death.