Category: My stories

Moon Prison

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The first permanent moon base turned out to be a maximum security prison.
Well, if you don’t want prisoners escaping and putting the public at risk, where better to put them than on the moon, right?
If they revolted, well, we could stop sending supplies up there. The oxygen systems were designed to only work for so long before replacement.
The man in charge of scheduling supply runs lost a daughter and a wife to one of those murderers up there.
So it comes as no surprise that the past three shipments of oxygen systems turned out to be duds.

Wrong Number

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She told me her number at a party, but I couldn’t remember the last number.
So, I dialed all of the numbers in the series.
One was a computer or a fax. So was two, five, seven, and eight.
Three and four were not in service.
Six could have been her. It was a generic pager number, so I gave it my number.
Nine was a kid’s personal line.
Zero was a hardware store. She said she was an art dealer, so that couldn’t have been her Must be the pager.
Unless, of course, she’s a robot with a modem.

The Happy Ending Machine

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It’s been tough times. Came home from work with a cardboard box.
You know how it is.
I try not to let my daughter hear me worry, but kids are smart. Can’t fool them at all.
So she put the cardboard box on the floor and said it’s my Happy Ending Machine. Says so on the side in Magic Marker.
All spelled right, too.
“Put anything in it, and it will get better,” she said.
Bills? They got paid.
Papercuts? They got healed.
Sick puppies? They got better.
Homework? It got done.
Because that’s what happens in happy endings, right?

Red

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I was explaining the color red to a blind man when the hot ham sandwiches arrived.
The blind man laughed. “You have no idea what red is,” he said.
“I know what red is,” I said. “You’re the one who has no idea what red is. You’re blind.”
“But I know what red is.”
Then he began an hour-long, amazingly poetic, utterly riveting explanation of what red was.
When he was finished, he took a bite of his sandwich.
“It’s cold! Waitress!”
I may not know what red is, but I know when to eat my hot ham sandwich hot.

The Fence

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Everybody decided to divide the planet into two halves.
We’d stay on the north half of the planet while they’d stay on the south half of the planet.
A gigantic fence was to be built around the equator, with the occasional gate here and there to allow folks to walk through and visit now and then.
Lots of people liked the idea, but even more thought it was completely nuts.
“What if people cut through the fence or dig under it?” they said, worried.
So, the plan was changed to a gigantic wall with razor wire.
That satisfied the doubters.

Crazy Plays

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When your team isn’t in the running and they’re up against other teams that won’t make the playoffs, you’re gonna see two things: lots of empty seats and lots of crazy plays.
The kids up from the minors, they’re all nervous about this being their one big shot. They’re trying to show off the fundamentals to the managers… or the scouts from other teams.
But the veterans, they’re tired from the long season. Some are on the bubble for free agency or options, they don’t want to make waves.
That one slugger… the franchise player.
Watch him… here he goes.

Happy Pirate Day

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Jimmy’s turning seven. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and he said he wanted a clown at his party.
I couldn’t find a birthday clown, so I settled for a birthday pirate.
Snarling and growling, his peg leg was caught in a gopher hole in the lawn.
Then he ran the piñata through with his cutlass.
Just when you thought it couldn’t be any more of a disaster, the hook on his hand kept popping the balloon animals.
Oh, and he threatened to keel-haul the birthday boy.
The kids loved it. Now they all want birthday pirates.

Falling Balls

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I stood fascinated, watching rows upon rows of Japanese feeding steel balls into pachinko machines, a rattling rain of metal through pegs, flashing lights, spinners… all falling into holes.
“It’s Japanese pinball,” explained my guide, handing me a plastic tub full of the tiny balls.
“Pinball has flippers,” I said. “People have control in pinball, you can bump the table. These are more like slot machines. Just push a button.”
Each ball, a human life. Falling through obstacles until, without fail, reaching oblivion.
I handed the tub back to my guide. “I don’t play the slots. I’m not a machine.”

I Quit

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Yeah, my job sucks. It’s sucked for a very long time.
So, I put my two weeks notice in with the boss.
“You can’t quit,” said God.
“Why not?” I said.
“You’re Satan,” said God. “You’re The Devil.”
“Well, I quit,” I said.
“You can’t quit,” God said again. “You became The Devil when you quit being one of my angels.”
“I don’t want to be one of your angels,” I said. “And I don’t want to be The Devil any more, either.”
God isn’t sure what to do with me now. But I’ve got one Hell of a resume.

Monkey Joke

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Three monkeys go into a bar.
Bartender asks the first monkey what he wants.
Monkey says he wants a banana daiquiri
So, Bartender makes one, and he goes to a corner booth
Bartender asks the second monkey what he wants.
He wants a banana daiquiri
So, Bartender makes one, and the monkey goes to the corner booth
The two monkeys in the booth are all over each other, pawing and groping.
Bartender says “So, you want a banana daiquiri like your friends?”
Third monkey shouts: “What, you think I’m some sort of faggot like those two? Gimme a beer, dammit.”