George and the spiders

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a severe case of arachnophobia, the fear of spiders.
If you put a spider next to George, he’d freak out and scream and run.
Even if it was a rubber spider, he’d yell “KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!”
The crew loves to tease George by drawing spiders on things, or leaving rubber spiders around the ship.
One even found a tin of chocolate-covered spiders to give George as a gag for Christmas.
George threw the tin overboard, along with the pirate who gave it to him.

George the Clown

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t a very good clown, either.
But every Christmas, he’d dress up in his clown outfit and visit the kids in the hospital.
He tried to juggle, but he dropped the rubber balls.
The balloon animals would pop halfway through the twists.
He was just pathetic.
But the kids laughed, which is all that mattered.
They’d make drawings of him, a clown on a pirate ship.
He tacked them up around his bunk, and he’d read the letters while out at sea.
Until his return the next year.

George on Easter

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He believed in Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.
For Christmas, he left out milk and cookies for Santa.
For The Tooth Fairy, well, George Brushed and flossed and wore a mouthguard in battle, so he had to rely on his crewmates’ teeth to put under his pillow.
And for the Easter Bunny, he put out a rabbit trap.
“Roast rabbit is delicious!” said George.
His crewmates stepped in the trap a lot.
Some got gangrene, and they’d need an amputation.
“Those aren’t delicious,” said George.

Carless and stupid

I’m careless and stupid, and I don’t stick to diets and exercise plans well.
Getting a cashback card for restaurants year-round was a huge mistake.
I go from size 36 jeans to size 42 and back again almost annually.
Since I don’t have much closet space, I end up donating the ill-fitting jeans in Christmas drives.
At this rate, half the Houston homeless population wears my pants.
Well, the slightly overweight to very overweight average-height homeless guys.
I’m not a midget or a whale, you know.
I just feel like a whale… when the size 42s feel a bit tight.

Frosty of Prague

The truth is, Frosty the Snowman doesn’t really need that magician’s top hat to come alive.
If you look closely in Frosty’s mouth, you’ll find a holy scroll commanding him to life.
Consecrated by an old rabbi from Warsaw, it wills the snow to follow its master’s commands.
Unlike the Golem of Prague, Frosty does not go out and murder the community’s enemies.
Instead, he plays with children every winter and lives with Santa at the North Pole the rest of the year.
Sometimes, Santa ponders stuffing his Naughty List in Frosty’s mouth.
Sure would beat a lump of coal.

George’s donations

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He gave red Santa caps to all of his shipmates.
“It’s Christmas,” said George. “It’ll help us get into the holiday spirit.”
He also decorated the mast and rigging with strings of colored lights.
You’d think that this would make it hard for the pirates to sneak up on their intended prey.
But other vessels thought that George’s ship was some kind of Goodwill donation vessel.
And instead of plundering and looting, George’s men asked for donations to poor orphans.
“Well, most of us were orphans,” whispered George, winking.

Swept away under a manger

These days, if you really need to abandon a baby, you are supposed to do it at a fire station or a police station.
You’re not supposed to toss them in a dumpster or leave them in the bathroom at the junior prom.
And you’re especially not supposed to leave them in a Christmas manger scene in front of City Hall.
Not only is it dangerous out there, with wild dogs and coyotes, but it’s probably going to be really cold out there in December.
Unless it’s Florida. Then it might be warm.
For the newborn baby. And the alligators.

George and the Christmas Toys

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His crew hijacked a Chinese cargo vessel, which was full of Christmas toys.
“We’ll make a pretty penny with this!” shouted the captain, and the whole crew cheered.
Except for George.
He remembered the orphanage, owning nothing but a broken stick that he pretended was a cutlass.
All the kids made fun of “Pirate George.”
He waited until everyone was asleep before he dropped the toys off at the orphanage.
The toys contained dangerous chemicals and lead paint, and all the orphans died.
The orphanage is now a Starbucks.

Dave and busted

Dave and Busters is a restaurant and sports bar with a gaming area, bowling lanes, and pool tables.
Kind of upscale, often rented out for company holiday parties.
There was one on Richmond Avenue along the strip of other bars and restaurants and music halls.
They had virtual reality pods for robot battles and other competitive games.
You could cash in your tickets for cheap trinkets and souvenirs.
I never went enough to score the big stuff.
Well, that location is closed now.
Sure, there’s one on Katy Freeway, but it’s not my Dave and Busters.
It’s not the same.

The winter worriers

The power went out early this morning.
Big winter storm.
There’s a light dusting of snow on everything.
It’s cold out there, there’s no heat, and it’s getting colder inside.
I’ve got candles. I’ve got blankets.
And I’ve got cats.
I should be good for the night, I think.
My phone barely gets any signal.
Some texts come in.
Some go out.
It’s mostly people worrying about me.
Which causes me to worry.
So I don’t answer them.
Instead, I open a paper notebook and write stories.
And play solitaire with real cards.
I should probably put on some gloves.