Go to the store

When I order something from Amazon, I pray that they deliver it themselves.
My instructions for Amazon’s deliveries tell them to leave the packages inside the back gate.
Things don’t get stolen from there.
If they leave it at the front door, people might steal it.
UPS and Fedex always leave things at the front door. And don’t always ring the doorbell.
And when it’s handed to the Post Office for the last mile, well, they steal it themselves.
Especially when the delivery is over a holiday weekend.
In the end, it’s just easier to go to a goddamned store.

The worst gift

There’s no worse gift than socks.
They’re worse than sweaters and underwear.
When I got socks as a gift, I made sock puppets.
And I would put on plays where the puppets lamented about how crappy they were as gifts.
With practice, I got really good at sock puppetry.
Even if it was all on the street corner.
Still, I earned quite a bit of money from these puppet plays.
I saved up my coins and put them in the socks to use as a sap on the asshole aunts and grandparents who gave me these socks as a gift.

Scan copy upload

The job is simple.
Scan the brain, copy the brain, and upload it in the database.
Then we dump the body down the chute.
That’s all we do. Nothing else.
It doesn’t matter who it is.
No selfies, no writing things on the body.
Nothing funny.
Scan, copy, upload, and dump.
Under no circumstances are you to lay on the table and scan yourself.
No copies, no uploads.
And, for God’s sake, don’t go down the chute.
Last year, after the Christmas Party, a guy did that.
Instead of downloading him, the company just deleted his file from the database.

Advent everything

I don’t have much willpower when it comes to food.
Moderation, the secret to good living, is completely foreign to me.
There’s no point to a ziploc seal on any snack.
I’m going to eat the whole bag.
So, when it comes to chocolate, I really like advent calendars.
A tiny portion once a day. Only in moderation, right?
Sure, I could rip open every compartment and eat them all, but that’s not right.
If only they made advent calendars for other things…
Jack Daniels, Cocaine, and other sinful things.
Only in moderation, of course.
And the secret is revealed.

Santa yearns

To Santa, everything was Christmas.
He was born on Christmas Eve.
And his anniversary with Mrs. Claus was Christmas Eve.
Every major milestone in his life was Christmas Eve.
The business day of his life, because that’s when he’d fly around the world giving toys to good girls and boys.
Never time for a birthday party.
Never time for an anniversary dinner.
“We’ll just have a big Christmas Day celebration,” said Mrs. Claus.
And, not to fault her, but she did her best.
Still, as he flew around the world, Santa yearned for a real birthday and a real anniversary.


Cats are funny creatures.
They get into everything.
Drawers, cabinets, suitcases, and boxes.
Man, do they love boxes.
Try it. Put out a box.
It’s an instinct for them, finding a safe space to hide in to sleep.
So, you shouldn’t be surprised during the holidays when you put out a manger scene and, five minutes later, a cat has taken over the tiny barn.
Or gotten into the manger.
They look so cute in there.
It’s not so cute when your cat displaces Jesus in Crucifixion scenes.
That kind of thing will get you arrested, you sick fuck.


Everybody loves cupcakes.
They’re fun and easy to eat.
So many different kinds of cupcakes out there.
With innovators coming up with more every day.
But what if they’re fruitcake cupcakes?
Frosting on the top. Maybe sprinkles.
Fancy parchment paper cups.
But when you peel back that parchment paper, um, what is this?
What’s with the colors?
Red and green? Happy holidays!
And you try to take a bite, but they’re so thick and sticky and…
Oh my God.
It’s fruitcake cupcakes!
And you throw them out, just like fruitcake.
And Santa adds you to his naughty list.

Elf University

When Santa hires an elf, he sends them to Elf University.
There, they learn everything they need to know to work at Santa’s Workshop: making toys, loading them into the sleigh, maintaining the sleigh, and managing the reindeer.
The younger elves do the manual labor, while the experienced ones go into design or management.
And when they can’t do any job anymore, they’re sent to the university to teach.
Santa used an internship and apprenticeship program before, but too many elves got hurt and killed that way.
It’s much safer to put them on the simulators.
Less damage that way.

The explosion

Despite the world’s population exploding, Santa had to do with the same number of elves and reindeer.
They had to start work earlier and earlier in the year, and work longer hours.
And the earlier they started, the more changes to wish lists there were.
The kids themselves moved around the lists from nice to naughty and back again.
Not to mention the fakes and scammers and scalpers.
Santa tried to computerize it all, but it’s hard powering workstations and a datacenter that far North.
He broke down, ended up in a Norwegian asylum, and sits staring at the trees.

The Baptist

John the Baptist needed a Christ.
He’d announced that the messiah would be arriving soon to lead the Jews out from under Roman rule.
So, when he saw Jesus, he figured the stoneworker for a good enough messiah.
“Come join me in this lake for a minute,” said John.
“Okay, that’s a bit weird,” said Jesus.
But he did it anyway, and had a vision.
“Shit, dude, you okay?” said John, who had dragged Jesus to the shore and got the water out of his lungs. “Don’t sue me, okay?”
“All’s cool, bro,” said Jesus. “Wanna go wandering?”
They did.