Category: My stories

Woodwork

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If I seem a tad distracted, it’s because my new lathe is broken.
I bought it last month, thinking I’d do woodwork. Sure, I don’t know anything about carpentry or crafts, but Wood 2.0 is new and exciting. It’s all about social woodworking. And the marketing brochures said it was profitable, too.
All I needed was a lathe and a client base.
Technical Support tells me it’s not plugged in. Then they say I’m using glass instead of wood… that’s why my finished product is often a pile of broken glass.
I’ll just scream louder and threaten to sue them.

Baby Elephant Wank

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Little Susie wanted to learn about the birds and the bees, but Daddy liked elephants.
“When a mommy elephant and a daddy elephant love each other very much,” said Daddy, “they do something special at night and make a baby elephant.”
“What if a mommy elephant loves a mommy elephant?” asked Susie.
Daddy looked down at his hand. The ring was gone, but its impression was still fresh on his finger.
“Then the daddy elephant hires a lawyer,” he said. “And then he moves away to Pittsburgh.”
To this day, Susie always gets a bit turned on at the circus.

Pizza Time

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Okay, so my wife was making pizza the other night, and I got to chop up the veggies.
I like to use the alligator chopper thingy we have. It dices them up real good. And, it’s fun, too!
Then, I dry out the veggies and then get out some mushrooms to blot on paper towels.
My wife doesn’t like mushrooms on pizza, so I put them only on half.
She baked the thing, pulled it out of the oven, and guess which half I ate from?
Yeah, that’s right. The one without mushrooms. Her half.
I’m a bad, bad husband.

Fetch

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My dog loves to play fetch.
It’s really simple to play: I throw a stick and he runs after it.
The problem is, he keeps bringing back the wrong stick.
For example, I just threw a small tree branch, and he came back with a cedar plank.
I threw the cedar blank, and he came back with a wooden chair leg.
I have no idea where he’s getting all these different bits of wood.
So, I took him to the beach and we played with driftwood.
Same thing – he comes back with Maplewood.
How about we try tennis balls instead?

Reboots On The Ground

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Here in Army Weapons Technical Support Services, we get all kinds of calls from the field.
Usually, the solution is just to reboot the device, but the reboot switch on the Standard Assault Rifle Unit is hard to get to when the operator is in combat and wearing thermal gloves.
It used to be even more difficult to reboot the things – you had to stick a paperclip in a hole and hold it there for 5 seconds.
This is why it’s so important to hold live-fire exercises for testing these devices. Virtual simulations don’t fail quite like real hardware does.

Tequila Joe

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Have another Tequila, Joe. You’re going to need it.
First off, your wife’s fine. So are your kids.
Nothing’s happened to your car, either. Or your house.
And you haven’t been fired from your job.
In fact, everything’s fine.
Now about your football: it’s in a safe place.
Yeah, we all know how much you loved that football. Every chance you get, you tell us how you threw seven touchdowns and ran in three more with that football.
And we’d like you to shut up about it.
You’ll get it back eventually, but for now – give it a rest, okay?

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 2

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The stagecoach driver was insisting so vehemently to Mr. Sparks that he was due for a raise; that neither noticed anything wrong until a shot rang out and he saw two highwaymen appear out of the brush with rifles drawn.
The tall one said, “These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people’s money to settle the quarrel.” And began pocketing valuables.
That speech was all they needed to convict the flowery future president, who ceased banditry thereafter.

Burning Camel

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Some days, I feel like I am burning my camel at both ends.
No, I don’t burn my candle at both ends. I burn my camel at both ends.
Back in college, I had a wooden footstool shaped like a camel.
One day, I got mad and stomped it. The footstool broke in half.
So, we tossed it on the barbecue pit and lit it on fire.
I said “Some days, I feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends.”
Charlie replied “No, you’re burning your camel at both ends.”
Okay, I guess you just had to be there.

Mmm Mmm Blood

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Pierre had the sharpest and fastest knives in any kitchen in Paris.
So it comes as no surprise that when he chopped his finger off while cutting up vegetables for the soup, he didn’t realize he’d done it until he’d dropped them in the pot.
Along with his finger.
By the time the paramedics had arrived, Pierre had passed out and his assistant was keeping pressure on the wound.
Nobody could find the finger, and apparently they didn’t realize he’d put it into the soup.
Know what?
It tastes delicious.
And best of all – he’s got 9 fingers left.

METRO

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Imagine a disgusting, ferocious parasite.
This creature feeds on time, and when it lands on you, it sucks out twenty-five minutes of your life and flies away.
Every day, this creature comes, and no matter how hard you run or scream for it to stop, it keeps coming back.
Again, twenty-five minutes. Gone forever.
Oh, and its owner does nothing about it.
You’d be pissed off, wouldn’t you?
To me, this creature wears a METRO uniform. It is a bus driver who races through his route, several minutes early.
And leaving me behind, waiting twenty-five minutes for the next bus.