Category: My stories

iPhone

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Whenever I feel like I’m falling for the hype of a new electronic device, I look in the cardboard box I keep in the closet.
That’s where I’ve put all the electronic gizmos and gadgets I bought as a result of falling for their hype, ending up with a piece of junk.
So when I look at the iPhone, I think to myself: How soon will it join the other expensive doohickeys in the box.
Then, I read a full-color advertisement for the thing.
There’s a commercial on the television for it, too.
Temptation builds – oh, give me strength, Lord.

Goodnight

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When it was time for me to go to bed, my mother would read to me from the book “Goodnight Moon.”
Even though she read it every night, it was a thrill to hear every word.
When I learned to read, I read along.
One night, when I said “Goodnight Moon,” the moon replied: “Good night.”
“Did you hear that, Mom?” I asked.
“Hear what?” she said.
“The moon was talking to me,” I said. “It said… Goodnight.”
She closed the book, patted me on the head, and left me there in the dark.
Alone.
With the wicked, sinister moon.

Cut Off At The Knees

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Before the accident, I used to swim in the ocean.
Now, I look down, and where I once had knees, I see only ragged stumps.
The doctors say they’ll clean those up a little more for me.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“Gone,” say the doctors.
“What have you done with them?” I asked.
“We have taken them,” say the doctors. “But we will bring you the ashes if you want to be buried with them someday.”
Instead, I will spread them over the ocean.
No sense in making them wait for the rest of me.
Let them be free.

The Ghosts

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I looked around me, and suddenly, it made sense.
“How is it that you can walk through walls while walking on the floor?” I asked one of the ghosts.
The ghost thought for a moment and shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Hah!” I shouted. “You don’t exist!”
“I guess you’re right,” said another ghost. They all nodded in agreement.
The next day, when the doctor asked me how I was doing, I told him that the ghosts didn’t exist.
“Oh, really?” he said.
“Absolutely,” I said. “And they agree with me. So, can I go home now?”
Apparently not.

Let The Chips Fall

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I try not to worry about things. I tend to let the chips fall where they may.
Every now and then, a chip lands on its edge and rolls around the floor a bit.
Sometimes, it rolls under the couch or into a floor vent.
The vacuum will pick up the ones under the couch, but the ones that fall into the vent, you’ve got to pry those up and pull the chips out.
That’s a real pain in the ass.
So, I got bigger chips… ones that were thicker than the slots in the vents.
Solved that problem, right?

Hannibal Rex

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Nobody trusts old Hannibal Rex, and Hannibal Rex doesn’t trust anybody, either.
I’m not sure why. If you ask around, nobody is.
It’s not like you can walk up to him and ask him “Why don’t you trust anybody, Hannibal?”
Because he doesn’t tell anybody to anything.
And he doesn’t let anyone come close enough to ask him.
He grows his own food, makes his own clothes.
Keeps to himself in the woods.
You could try to write him, but he doesn’t read anything people send him.
And he certainly wouldn’t write down his thoughts.
He looks happy, doesn’t he?

Hole In The Moon

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Somebody shot a fuckin hole in the moon.
No, really. Don’t believe me?
Look up there yourself.
It’s right there.
See?
Last night, I looked up, and there it was. A hole in the moon.
It was in all the papers and on television, but nobody knew who shot the hole in the moon or how they did it.
Don’t tell me you don’t see it.
A big hole. In the moon.
You can’t miss it.
What do you mean you don’t see it?
There’s a hole in the moon.
I swear.
And it wasn’t me.
I just saw it.

Kill All The Lawyers

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Doctor Odd’s wealth comes from a series of patents he’s licensed the rights to.
If I told you what devices he invented, you’d be amazed.
You’d also be shocked to know that such easy-to-use devices were blamed by countless fools for causing grievous injuries.
They sued Doctor Odd for millions of dollars.
Doctor Odd responded by inventing one last, simple, incredibly useful invention.
Everyone in the world ended up buying one. In fact, each person born into this world is provided with one now.
Oh, and this invention – it also kills lawyers.
(Which makes it even more useful, I suppose.)

Caps Lock

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I hate it when I accidentally hit the Caps Lock key and everything I type is all caps.
So, I took a butter knife and pried out that key.
I don’t make mistakes like that any more.
I also pried out the Pause key because I never use that one.
I never use Scroll Lock or the keys on the number pad either.
They’re gone, too.
Then I started prying out more keys. Symbols. Numbers. Letters.
Pretty soon, I was left with nothing remaining.
The screen asks me to hit any key to continue.
I’ll just sit here, happily waiting.

No Plan Survives Battle

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Jane, my editor, smiles as she reads my manuscript.
“No plan survives battle,” she says, as she’s said with all my other manuscripts.
The first was a mystery. She turned it into a best-selling cookbook.
My award-winning biography of Simon Bolivar started as a simple romance.
Then came the collection of Dutch poetry, the travel guide to the moon, a guide to Poker…
Everything I give her, she completely changes it… transforms it.
When I read it, it’s still familiar. Like my own writing is trapped within, screaming to be let out.
Bills scream to be paid, too, you know.