Category: My stories

The Face Of God

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Things were getting loud, hot, and heavy between me and Mary again.
“The absence of visible evidence of God disproves his existence!” shouted Mary.
Philosophy again?
Great.
“Well, I’ve never seen your tits, either,” I shouted back. “But from the curve in your sweater and how they feel in the dark, I can reason they exist.”
Mary put down her books, lifted her sweater, and I saw The Face Of God.
“Hi there,” He said.
Mary pulled her sweater back down, slapped me, and walked away.
You know, now that I think of it, I never did see her tits.

Straps

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When I was young, my family would go to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.
Back then, there was an exhibit demonstrating bell curve distributions using back balls falling through a maze of pegs and into slotted compartments.
The balls eventually formed the bell curve shape… as if by magic.
“Not magic, you little weirdo,” growled my father. “It’s mathematics.”
I pointed at the lonely ball in the two-sigma slot: “That’s me!”
My parents were shocked, and they recoiled in horror from me.
Why?
Because I’d managed to chew through my straps and my hands were free again.

Boys Will Be Boys

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Usually, the boys come back greasy and burnt from a robot hunt. But this time, they came back bloody.
At first, they said the robot banged them up good. But those cuts ain’t deep enough for that amount of blood.
The story we told the cops was that the robot that tore apart the Jenkins kid. My boys tried to stop it, but they were just too late.
It worked. Another close call for the Boudreaux Clan.
Boys will be boys, though – they want to go hunting again tonight.
I boot up another Snipeco 6000, sigh, and hit Run.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 78

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Abraham Lincoln liked to stop by the War Department to see what machines his scientists were making.
They showed him a massive cannon.
“Is there anything bigger than that?” said Abe.
“We have our limits,” said the scientists. “Only so much destruction can be harnessed before a man loses his humanity.”
“As commander in chief,” he said, “in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy.
So, they built a bigger cannon.
And fired it.
When Abe opened his eyes, he said “Um, wasn’t it a full moon tonight?”

Wake

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Jimmy O’Connor planned this from the get-go. Long before the oncologist said “Tough shit.”
For his wake, he programmed up a hologram of himself.
Sure, other terminally ill hackers had programmed 2D movies and played them at their funerals, but Jimmy was the first to render a fully-operational, interactive ghost.
He was also the first to sync one with bio-implants too.
So, right in the middle of the wake, Jimmy’s ghost points at himself and screams “ZOMBIE!”
The servos kick in. Jimmy’s corpse slowly rises.
POW! I blow Jimmy’s head off with my .45.
That’s how you handle zombies, right?

Fresh Flowers (Episode 1,000)

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Every day for the past two years, I’ve stopped by the cemetery on the way home from work and put fresh flowers on my wife’s grave.
It doesn’t matter if it’s raining or snowing or there’s a hurricane on the way.
Flowers. Grave.
Maybe a bit of wailing and shouting of “WHY? WHY? WHY?”
When I’m done, I get back in my car and drive home.
“Did you do it?” my wife asks.
“Yes, dear,” I say.
“Good,” my wife says. “Practice makes perfect.”
Looking back, I probably should have gotten her a necklace for her birthday two years ago.

These Are The Pros And Cons

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It’s my Southern gentleman’s instinct, really.
You see a hot chick standing on the side of the road with her thumb stuck out, and you pull over to pick her up, right?
It’s the courteous thing to do.
Courteous ain’t what the other drivers thought. Sponsors and Team Owners, too.
Biggest damn wreck in NASCAR history, all because I’m thinking with my pecker.
That, and fucked up on painkillers and Jack Daniels.
Speaking of which, you think we’ll lose Jack Daniels as a sponsor?
Shit.
I guess I’ll just wash my percodans down with Jim Beam from here on out.

Let Him Dangle

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Kathy bought 78 canvases a few weeks ago.
It’s for a project of hers – she wants to paint the Tarot.
She could paint them up from memory, but she’s insisting on posing me as a model.
This week, we’ve been doing The Hanged Man.
Kathy may be having fun, but it really sucks to be me.
The blood rushes to my head and gives me migraines. Then I got rope burns on my ankle… until the rope came loose.
The studio has concrete floors… ouch!
But if you think this is bad, the next card’s the Ten Of Swords.

End Of Lifed

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When a server needs its drive image reloaded, we pull the old hard drive and stick a new one in there with the drive image already on it.
Well, when I say new, I really mean new to that server.
The old hard drives have to come from somewhere, right? They’re drives that are yanked from other servers, wiped clean, and then have new software loaded back on them.
And they’re marked with a tally-mark.
When a drive gets twenty-five tally marks, like this one here, it’s end-of-lifed.
Come on, pass me the hammer.
This sucker’s gonna get it good.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 77

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During the war, Abraham noticed a curious phenomenon among the embassies in Washington.
Ambassadors went from nice to rude, and then to downright ugly towards visitors.
“Why is this?” asked Lincoln of his Secretary of State.
“A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad,” said William Seward.
“That’s fine and dandy,” said Lincoln. “But we’re not abroad.”
Seward invited the French Ambassador to visit the White House.
He did, and promptly insulted the President at first opportunity.
Lincoln kicked him in the groin and threw him out the door.
“Give my regards to Paris,” said Abe.