Category: My stories

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 70

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Abraham Lincoln stood before the prisoners of war and scowled. “You Virginians shed barrels of perspiration while standing off at a distance and superintending the work your slaves do for you,” he said.
“So?” said a Virginian soldier. “What of it?”
Abe walked up to the soldier and whispered in his ear: “How do stay smelling so fresh?”
“We cover ourselves with pumpkin pie,” said the soldier.
Abe leaned in close, took a whiff, and then licked the neck of the soldier.
“It is,” he said. “Delicious!”
For the rest of his days, Lincoln covered himself with fresh pumpkin pie.

Down The Turtle Hole

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Sitting on the riverbank, Alice watched as the muttering turtle slowly pulled the pocketwatch from his shell and looked at the time.
“I’m… late….”
Alice walked over to the turtle and examined its curious markings.
“Why, his shell looks like a waistcoat,” she giggled.
“Stop… or…”
Alice’s sister knew a good turtle soup recipe, and by noon, they had the stew-pot boiling.
“So delicious it was,” they all said.
Alice checked the pocketwatch… still not time to go home yet.
She rested her head on a blanket and had herself a pleasant nap, totally lacking in chessboard and playingcard nightmares.

Volunteered

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Let’s not bullshit.
My kid needs your heart. Soon. We’re not sure how long he can hold on.
We’re not sure how long you can hold on, either.
Doctor says that you signed your organ donor card and didn’t want to be kept on life support, but your family trumped your wishes.
I’ve offered them money. They won’t take it.
Do I need to kill them, or just one to set an example and make them sign the forms?
I wish we could have met under better circumstances.
But for my kid’s sake, I’m still glad I ran you over.

Revenge Nog

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Edwin clutched his chest, wheezing what might have been words.
Iris wasn’t listening. She was just watching him, waiting for him to die.
He saw her emptying his pill case into the toilet, and his eyes went from surprise to anger.
For a moment, Iris considered calling 911.
She rubbed her arm where he’d last burned her, and decided to wait just a little longer.
Edwin had just enough fight left in him to get up from the chair and lunge at her.
She stepped back.
Some plastic surgery for the scars.
Yeah, that would be her gift to herself.

The Passion of the Bullfrog

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In church, Arthur tries to behave.
It’s not easy, though.
He watches a woman in the next pew. She is holding a box, and sweating bullets. A green, webbed foot pokes out of the box, and the woman quickly snaps the lid back down.
“Ribbit,” says the box. “Ribbit ribbit.”
No time to lose!
“Bullfrog!” he shouts, and he grabs for the box. The entire congregation heads for the exits, and the priest ducks behind the pulpit.
For the next five minutes, he stomps the box flat.
When the police finally arrive, he tips his hat and walks out proudly.

Keepaway

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Arthur is home.
His two kids, Jenny and Jack, play Keep Away with the dog. The dog runs back and forth between them, panting heavily. Eventually, the dog clutches his furry little chest and drops dead from a heart attack.
The kids keep playing Keep Away, because they so rarely get to do it with a severed human head.
Arthur watches them through his front window. He takes it with him everywhere, just for these moments.
He wishes their mother could be here, but then, in a way, she is.
He wonders where the rest of her body is stashed.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 69

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Disturbed by mounting casualty figures, Abraham Lincoln asked for a census count.
When he had the numbers, he was in for a surprise.
“We have more men now that we had when the war began,” said Abe.
“Yes,” said the statistician. “But gender distribution’s gotten unbalanced.”
Abe noticed that there were many more women than men in public these days.
“It’s the same for the South, too?” asked Lincoln.
“I believe so,” said the statistician.
Lincoln chuckled and rubbed his hands together.
“I don’t think Mary Todd will be having any more headaches if she knows what’s good for her.”

The Heeling Power Of Prayer

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A few months ago, Wally lost his arm in a car crash.
The doctors tried to sew it back on, but it turned gangrenous and they had to cut it off again.
Since medicine wouldn’t give him his arm back, he turned to religion.
So Wally prayed for a miracle, but his arm never grew back.
Frustrated, he went to his church and asked his priest.
“Why won’t my arm grow back?” yelled Wally. “I keep praying, but God doesn’t answer.”
“God can’t hear you because you’re doing it wrong,” said the priest. “It takes two hands to pray, stupid.”

The Scurvy Dog

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“Stowaway! Stowaway!”
“Grab the landlubber!” shouted the Captain. “Make him walk the plank!”
The crew grabbed the man and the First Mate slid the plank out, but it fell overboard and floated away.
“Well, shiver me timbers,” said the Captain, “What will we make him walk now?”
“We could make him walk the dog,” said the First Mate.
“Yarr,” said the Captain, releasing the stowaway and handing him a plastic bag. “Be sure to pick up all the dog crap.”
“Why?” asked the stowaway.
“We don’t want this to turn into a poop deck, you see,” said the First Mate.

Party Time

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First, it was the rope. Damn thing was dry as dust and broke clean in half. We ended up using that bungee cord stuff.
Then there were the crosses. Nails kept falling out of the wood and all we had was sticks.
They wouldn’t burn, either. Wood was wet all the way through, so the kerosene wouldn’t catch.
We did manage to start a fire, though. Some kerosene got splashed Grand Kleagle’s robe at some point, and that bastard is in the burn ward now.
I gotta tell you, it was the worst goddamned lynching party I’ve ever been too.