Category: My stories

Grow

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We only regrow accident victims. We don’t touch terminal diseases.
It’s hard to explain widespread cancer miraculously disappearing. But you can always say they’ve just come out of a coma after taking months to heal their “nonfatal” injuries.
Add a few scars, flash the memory – they’re back.
Now, sometimes the growth-accelerants fail to slow down when halted. We test for that, but sometimes an age spurt kinda kicks in.
As opposed to Peter Pans, who never grow old.
Ever wonder why some child stars die young from drugs or accidents?
Can’t have them living forever.
That’s what reruns are for.

She’s Hot

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Yeah, Janey’s hot compared to these other ugly, repulsive circus freaks.
But I think you need to know the whole story.
Did you notice that her profile says she likes cigarettes, but she says she’s a non-smoker?
Want to know why?
She uses them to burn herself. She’s got a whole bunch of scars on her arms.
That’s why her photo shows her wearing long sleeves.
There’s only one thing she likes more than burning herself with cigarettes.
Being held down by someone else while they burn her.
So, want her number, or would you rather date the fat chick?

The Witch Doctor

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I carried Bobby’s mangled corpse to the Witch Doctor, begging him to do something.
“Sure,” said the Witch Doctor. “Stand back.”
I stepped back and watched the Witch Doctor mix up various ingredients in a gigantic boiling pot.
He poured out the contents on the broken body and chanted some kind of magic spell.
An hour later, Bobby’s wounds were healed and broken bones were straightened.
Good as new. Almost.
“He’s not moving,” I said. “Is he alive?”
“Alive?” asked the Witch Doctor. “I’m sorry. I thought you were from the morticians’. You want this one alive? Man, you’re fucked.”

Sol de Loco

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Luis and Hector were waxing the Camaro when Apollo The Sun God showed up.
“I need a favor,” he said. “My chariot’s in the shop. Can you pull the sun across the sky today?”
Luis and Hector looked at the Sun God, looked at each other, and then high-fived.
“Nothing fancy, okay?” said Apollo.
“Sure thing, Mister,” said Luis. Hector nodded.
Sometime around Noon, the Camaro’s rear end burst into flames.
Apollo watched the Camaro, the Sun, and the two volunteers fall from the sky.
“I guess they didn’t use a second layer of wax,” said Apollo. “Just like Icarus.”

Eat You Up

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“You’re so cute, I could just eat you up,” said Ben to Vicki. “So I will.”
Then he beat her skull in with a hammer.
Not even a scream. One minute, she was staring up at him, and then next she was a bloody heap on the floor.
Ben made the rookie mistake of freezing her before cutting her up. Everybody knows that you should cut up your meat fresh and then freeze it.
Okay, maybe not everybody, but Ben should have done his homework before bashing in Vicki’s brains.
In the end, she was only good for soup stock.

Waking up

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Ned was laying on the couch when he woke up.
His roommate John was staring at him.
“What?” said Ned.
“You just appeared out of thin air, man,” said John. “Once second nothing’s there, and then all of the sudden- you appear.”
“Oh,” said Ned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t explain. I always wake up on the couch.”
“No matter where you fall asleep?” asked John
“Yup,” said Ned. “I know why, but it’s hard to explain.”
“Wicked,” said John. “Ever thought about using that to rob a bank?”
“No,” said Ned. “But it did get me out of jail once.”

One Blow

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The Angel Gabriel sat on the curb and wept at the destruction and misery he’d witnessed over the centuries.
“It’s all my fault,” he moaned. “If I hadn’t lost my trumpet, I’d have ended this a long time ago.”
He’d backtraced his steps many times, but they all led back to a pub where he’d drunkenly pawned his horn for a bottle of whiskey.
The curb he sat on was in front of the skyscraper built where the pub used to be.
Sighing, Gabriel pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose.
The skyscraper wobbled, and Reality began to fade.

Tony’s Final Ride

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They found Tony impaled on the unicorn’s horn on the Merry Go Round.
“I want to ride on the unicorn!” he had shouted not less than an hour ago. “Now! Now! Now!”
The past year had been hell on Tracy. Being a big sister to a little brat was sheer hell.
Tracy smirked at the thought, and stepped up on the platform to get a closer look at her stepbrother.
He drooled blood, but the little retard was still smiling.
She stuck a hand in Tony’s pocket, pulled out the rest of his ride tickets, and ran for the Midway.

Kayak

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The starter’s pistol goes off, and we all rush to the freshest graves with our shovels.
Dig up the coffin, haul it to the take, and paddle to the other side.
Welcome to Morgantown’s Coffin Kayak Race.
Ever try it? You’ll learn quickly why funerals use six pallbearers.
Will it float? This is when the cheaper coffins are better, although if you end up with a really cheap or old coffin, you’ll take on water and go down fast.
Billy won last year, but he caught pneumonia and died after the race.
There’s his grave.
He’ll make a fine copilot.

Not Quite Panning Out

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Peter told Wendy to capture the second star to the right and fly straight on until morning.
Wendy wasn’t good at telling left from right. Instead of Neverland, the kids wound up shooting straight at a gas giant.
John screamed all the way down into the swirling, deadly maelstrom.
Wendy backtracked and tried again, but she miscounted and headed for the fourth star below.
Michael’s corpse can be found on an asteroid, his face frozen forever in horror.
Wendy flew back home and, when cornered, told a cock-and-bull story about kidnappers.
She’d gotten sick of John and Michael’s snoring, anyway.