It’s strange, living in the shadow of Castle Stormvale.
Especially because The Silver Horde destroyed Castle Stormvale a decade ago.
The castle may be gone, but the shadow is still there.
Makes it hard to raise crops, but we manage.
When we saw the castle come down, we thought “Oh, maybe more light will get through.”
And then The Silver Horde pillaged all the nearby farms.
Somehow, we managed to clean up and replant.
Even used a few stones from the castle’s ruins to build walls for a nice sheep pen.
The shade is kinda nice in the summer, really.
Category: Halloween
The Bridge of Frankenstein
The townspeople were outraged by the local mad scientist’s latest abomination.
“How dare he do this?”
“Has the man no shame?”
They gathered their torches and pitchforks, and they marched to Castle Von Frankenstein in an angry mob.
As they crossed the moat to the front gate, a few stopped and looked at the drawbridge they were walking across.
Then, they pounded on the gates, demanding entry.
Eventually, they talked to Dr. Frankenstein, and they realized it was all a simple, honest mistake.
“I’m constructing a bride to marry,” he said. “Not a bridge.”
Satisfied, the townspeople went back home.
The lovely audience
The Beatles start Sergeant Pepper with: “You’re such a lovely audience, we’d like to take you home with us!”
And, on occasion, they did. They took the lovely audience home with them.
Some audiences, they let romp in the yard and play in the sun.
Other audiences, they threw into the basement and forced to make shoes for sale at Selfridge’s Department Store.
The worst audiences were fed to Yoko.
The diminutive performance artist would tear her victims limb from limb, drinking their blood and swallowing their ropy intestines.
Then she’d sing, and the few mangled survivors envied the dead.
Melvin’s door
When Melvin went Trick or Treating, he’d come up with the most surreal costumes.
One year, he walked around behind a lightweight carbon-fiber front door, and at every home he’d visit, he’d make them ring his doorbell to get candy.
Once he ran out of candy, he’d turn off the battery-powered porch light and hide behind the door to pretend that nobody was home.
Bullies tried to egg his front door and smash his pumpkins, but Melvin turned the water hose on them.
After Halloween, Melvin would harass Jehovah’s Witnesses, going door-to-door with his door, slamming it in their faces.
Impossible
My wife, she’s impossible.
She couldn’t come up with a good costume for Halloween.
So, I told her to go as someone who doesn’t dress up for Halloween.
Which, technically, is impossible. Because if you dress up as someone who doesn’t dress up for Halloween, you’ve dressed up as someone for Halloween.
Still, she tried, and the resulting paradox tore a hole in the fabric of space and time.
“Wow, that looks totally awesome,” I said to the rent in the universe.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Does this make my ass look fat?”
Which is impossible to answer correctly.
Trunk or Treat
These days, a lot of neighborhoods don’t do “Trick or Treat” because they’re scared of criminals and predators.
Some hold parties at the local school. But that doesn’t help if the criminals and predators are teachers or janitors at the school.
Others do “trunk or treat” where they gather in a parking lot and fill car trunks with candy for kids to pick from.
Safety in numbers, right? Well, not if there’s a predator or a poisoner there in the parking lot.
What my neighborhood does is burn down the houses of the criminals and predators.
Then we eat candy.
The Divided Kingdom
The kingdom awaited the arrival of a royal heir.
But three witches captured the queen and divided her up.
The witch with the legs gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A prince.
The witch with the middle suckled him as the witch with the head sung him to sleep.
They killed the witch with the legs and shared them, trading at dawn.
When the boy could eat solid food, the witch with the head killed the witch with the middle, and took all the queen for herself.
The prince giggled happily as she carried him back to the kingdom.
Summoning
Every morning, she makes a fresh pitcher of iced tea.
And she brings a fresh lemon in her purse.
She buys a bag every Saturday when she goes grocery shopping.
There’s a nice ceramic knife and cutting board she uses for the lemons.
The break room refrigerator has a reliable icemaker in the door.
At the end of the day, she sighs and dutifully cleans the pitcher, knife, and cutting board.
“Why do you not heed my call, Master?” she mumbles.
Maybe tomorrow her summoning ritual will work, and Lipton, Unholy Avenger Demon, will smite her enemies.
Oh, glorious day!
They’ve Landed
See the lights in the sky?
Those are alien spaceships.
And they will land soon.
Do you have canned food in your shelter?
Do you have bottles of water?
Do you have plenty of bandages, painkillers, and antibiotics?
What about a gun? No?
Well, I do.
So, I’ll be taking that food. And that water and the rest of your supplies.
You can step outside and let me shoot you, or I’ll have to shoot you standing there.
I don’t want to get any blood in the shelter.
What? There’s no lights in the sky anymore?
They’ve landed. They’re here.
George the Pirate Costume
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Oh, sure, he always wanted to be a pirate.
He dressed up as a pirate every Halloween and went Trick-or-Treating.
One year, after hearing “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” too many times, George went to the tavern.
Sure enough, there was a table full of pirates, and when they were done drinking, George tagged along.
At first, the captain was happy to get a new recruit.
But after so many screwups, he wished that George had dressed up like a clown and joined the circus.