These days, a lot of neighborhoods don’t do “Trick or Treat” because they’re scared of criminals and predators.
Some hold parties at the local school. But that doesn’t help if the criminals and predators are teachers or janitors at the school.
Others do “trunk or treat” where they gather in a parking lot and fill car trunks with candy for kids to pick from.
Safety in numbers, right? Well, not if there’s a predator or a poisoner there in the parking lot.
What my neighborhood does is burn down the houses of the criminals and predators.
Then we eat candy.
Category: Halloween
The Divided Kingdom
The kingdom awaited the arrival of a royal heir.
But three witches captured the queen and divided her up.
The witch with the legs gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. A prince.
The witch with the middle suckled him as the witch with the head sung him to sleep.
They killed the witch with the legs and shared them, trading at dawn.
When the boy could eat solid food, the witch with the head killed the witch with the middle, and took all the queen for herself.
The prince giggled happily as she carried him back to the kingdom.
Summoning
Every morning, she makes a fresh pitcher of iced tea.
And she brings a fresh lemon in her purse.
She buys a bag every Saturday when she goes grocery shopping.
There’s a nice ceramic knife and cutting board she uses for the lemons.
The break room refrigerator has a reliable icemaker in the door.
At the end of the day, she sighs and dutifully cleans the pitcher, knife, and cutting board.
“Why do you not heed my call, Master?” she mumbles.
Maybe tomorrow her summoning ritual will work, and Lipton, Unholy Avenger Demon, will smite her enemies.
Oh, glorious day!
They’ve Landed
See the lights in the sky?
Those are alien spaceships.
And they will land soon.
Do you have canned food in your shelter?
Do you have bottles of water?
Do you have plenty of bandages, painkillers, and antibiotics?
What about a gun? No?
Well, I do.
So, I’ll be taking that food. And that water and the rest of your supplies.
You can step outside and let me shoot you, or I’ll have to shoot you standing there.
I don’t want to get any blood in the shelter.
What? There’s no lights in the sky anymore?
They’ve landed. They’re here.
George the Pirate Costume
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Oh, sure, he always wanted to be a pirate.
He dressed up as a pirate every Halloween and went Trick-or-Treating.
One year, after hearing “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” too many times, George went to the tavern.
Sure enough, there was a table full of pirates, and when they were done drinking, George tagged along.
At first, the captain was happy to get a new recruit.
But after so many screwups, he wished that George had dressed up like a clown and joined the circus.
Three different ways
Nobody debated that Melbourne Fitch was in the morgue.
The problem was, there were three of him.
Three Melbourne Fitches, completely identical.
Well, except in how they died.
One had a gaping gunshot wound.
The second had been poisoned.
And the third, drowned.
But everything else, they were the same.
Melbourne had no brothers, so he wasn’t any kind of triplet set.
Nor did any of the three show signs of plastic surgery to render two identical to the third.
The coroner shrugged, released one body, and dismembered the other two for disposal as medical waste.
So much less paperwork.
You lean, you clean
Medical schools have strict rules with how students are supposed to treat donated cadavers.
They’re not allowed to use them in pranks, abuse them, or conduct resurrection experiments.
On the other hand, there are no rules when it comes to the bodies of people that they grab off of the street and murder.
Well, besides the fact that they’re not supposed to be grabbing them off the street and murdering them.
The administration does its best to cover those incidents up.
They dress the frankensteins in janitor’s overalls, give them mops, and set them to cleaning with the night shift.
Begging
Halfway through the dinner, Foster tapped his glass to bring silence to the table.
“They say that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die,” he said. “Which is why I’ve brought you here to apologize, and to beg for forgiveness.”
Foster’s enemies muttered among themselves, and then came to agreement to accept Foster’s apology.
They raised their glasses in a toast, and drank.
One by one, they clutched their throats, gasped, and collapsed.
“… and to serve you poisoned wine,” finished Foster.
He knocked over a candle, and left as the flames spread.
What wine goes with baby?
Josie wanted an abortion.
“My body, my choice,” she said.
A counselor was assigned to help her with her decision, just to make sure she didn’t regret anything later.
“What’s there to regret?” said Josie. “It’s not a person. It’s not human.”
So, the counselor gave approval, and Josie had the abortion.
The next night, the counselor invited Josie over for dinner.
She lifted the cover off of the main course: Josie’s aborted fetus, roasted and garnished.
“It’s not a person or human, right?” said the counselor.
And then she opened a bottle of wine… white goes with baby, right?
Quantum Murder
I tested my quantum teleporter on my lab assistant.
He reached the destination pod successfully.
Well, sort of.
He actually disintegrated into dust on the first pad as the scanners determined every one of his particle’s quantum states.
So, technically, I murdered my lab assistant.
And there was an exact quantum duplicate on the teleporter pad.
But before you arrest me for murder, please keep in mind that after I teleported my assistant, I teleported myself.
The me you see is a quantum duplicate of my original self.
Completely innocent of my original’s act of murder.
Or suicide, I suppose.