Category: Weekly Challenge

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Zackmann
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Night Errors

Why is it that we have all our best ideas at the most inconvenient times?

For me, it’s always in the dead of night, lying in bed, when in that half-waking, half-asleep haze, storylines will wander unbidden through my mind; chapters, plots, characters and narrative slip into my thoughts, to form perfectly composed and complete stories.

Of course, by the following morning, I’ve forgotten everything. That bestselling story, lost forever.

I started keeping a notebook by the bed, just to record those nocturnal thoughts. Problem solved, you’d think.

But no. I’m so sleepy, I completely forget it’s there!

LIZZIE

He told her the coffee sucked.
She didn’t take it lightly.
He sneered. The situation was funny.
She said “no”. As a matter of fact, she heated a cup and threw it at his face.
He didn’t think the situation was funny anymore.
She laughed because now she thought it was hilarious.
He didn’t laugh.
She told him “chill”. Coffee was just coffee.
He said that coffee wasn’t just coffee a minute ago.
The burn mark on his face cost her a few years of her life.
Sometimes laughing becomes a serious matter, especially when you already have a record.

SERENDIPIDY

It was me.

I did it. It was all my fault, and I’m the guilty party.

You may not be able to prove any of it, in fact, I’m quite sure you can’t, but as God is my witness, I’m completely responsible, and proud of my achievements.

Maybe my confession is enough, but I doubt it will stand up in a court of law, especially since the star witness – me – will be conspicuous by my absence.

You won’t catch me. You don’t even know who I am.

All you will ever know, is that I’m responsible.

Just, for the record.

ZACKMANN

I asked a music instructor what would be an easy instrument for an older person to learn to play. I had a recorder like they tried to teach me to play in elementary school in mind.

He asked me why now. I told him that I’m a big fan of The Mutual Audio Network podcasts and would like to introduce my grandnieces to audio drama.

When he mentioned he still didn’t understand my sudden interest in playing instrumentals

I informed him that many of the shows I think they would like, warn children shouldn’t listen unless accompanied by an adult.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert headed for the gate of the junior high school with the two girls following him. “Are you following me?”
Sabrina said, “No. We’re just going home.”
Billbert stopped. Just beyond the gate were the two boys that picked the fight with him.
One of them blocked his way. “You thought you could escape without taking your beating. Come to me.”
Sabrina took out her phone and turned on the camera.
“Are you going to record this to show the principal?” Billbert asked.
“No. For the coven,” Sabrina said. “I want to show them how you vanquish the Dark Knights.”

TURA

Record
———
Old things are dangerous. Brute matter, no upgrades, no revisions. Antiques, my girlfriend called them.

Her latest find was a black plastic disc a foot across. “I haven’t found a playback machine yet,” she said, “but listen.” She took a pin and dragged it along the surface, and I heard a faint snatch of music.

“Data storage? In moulded plastic?” I groped for words. “But that’s…”

“Permanent recording?” she said blithely.

“Yes!” I shouted. “Do you realise the penalties?” I snatched it away from her and broke it over my knee, then threw the fragments into our apartment’s memory hole.

PLANET Z

I remember the first record I bought.
It was a Monty Python album I bought from my brother, who was getting rid of his comedy albums.
I got a bunch of other comedy albums from the store, like George Carlin and Emo Phillips.
And I listened to them a lot, over and over.
They filled the gap between comedy specials on HBO, because this was before streaming and on-demand.
Over time, I got tapes… then CDs… then MP3 downloads.
I don’t know what happened to my records or record player.
I shrug, and look up Gallagher on YouTube, and watch.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

TURA

Remastered
———
There’s a remastered edition of Marilyn Monroe coming out soon, using the very latest AI techniques and incorporating a ton of newly discovered archive material. They’re promising the next level of fidelity, the real person at last. But they always say that, and I’m not sure I want to upgrade mine. Yes, the new body would be updated with the history of my relationship with the old one, but it wouldn’t feel right. I remember when I had a courtesy replacement for a week when she needed major repairs. It was like making love to a machine all over again.

RICHARD

Remastered

If we can have digitally remastered music and videos, then I can’t see any reason why we can’t do the same with the written word too.

What if we could take an old manuscript, like the bible, for example, and use all the modern technology at our disposal to make a brand new, pristine copy.

A copy without the noise and glitches accumulated over centuries; language, and phrasing upgraded to modern standards; the odd edit to improve clarity; maybe even digitally recreate some of the most unclear segments, filling out the gaps and padding the narrative.

Refreshed, improved and better!

LIZZIE

“Have the songs been remastered yet? Who said so? It doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad, release them now. Well, he should’ve worked faster. I don’t care if it makes him look bad. Release them.”
And the songs were released, remastered, true, but never reviewed by the CEO.
The next day, the story broke. Rapper raps a warning to CEO about an impending hit. And no, it wasn’t a musical hit although the CEO sang like a canary, bribes, drug trafficking and shady businesses.
The rapper, well, he vanished and started a completely new career that paid much better.

SERENDIPIDY

My old, vinyl copy of Stairway to Heaven has started to show its age. There’s all the usual scratches and pops, of course, that’s only to be expected, but the original 1971 recording leaves a lot to be desired.

I decided to buy a remastered version, and the difference in quality is quite remarkable. So much clearer that I’d never have believed it.

For years, I’d tried playing the original backwards, but despite the rumours, I could never make out any satanic messages.

But with this one, they are crystal clear.

And they’re telling me to go forth and kill!

NORVAL JOE

After their final class of the day where the teacher played them digitally remastered recordings of Glen Miller’s greatest hits, Billbert headed home.
Sabrina stopped him. “Aren’t you going to the backstop to meet those two boys?”
Billbert looked that direction though there were buildings in the way. “No. I don’t think so. Why don’t you go tell them I’ll meet up with them next week?”
Sabrina looked stunned. “They could be from the Guild of the Dark Knights. You need to go vanquish them.”
Billbert turned back toward home. “No. They’re just bullies and it’s best to ignore them.”

PLANET Z

When the master died, he had no children to leave everything to.
So he left it to all of his slaves, who he freed.
They formed a collective, running the plantation as equals.
With a rotating council of managers, handling budgets and expenses and planning.
And everything ran pretty well. Better than other nearby plantations.
Good housing, good living.
Until the war came.
Soldiers burned the mansion, looted the fields for food.
They burned the houses, the sheds.
The schoolhouse, the church.
Took all the horses and farming tools.
“You’re free now,” said the soldiers.
And they marched off again.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Last Wishes

We’re all sat around a cracked Formica table playing MouseTrap while the rain relentlessly shoots at the caravan roof.

“Oooh it’s good to be back at Base!” Dad motions to outside. He tries to stretch out to show how relaxed he is but can’t, there’s no room. The three sleeping bags from the tent drip water into a little puddle that slides towards the open door and escapes.

Mum’s having the time of her life though. And that’s what this is about – our last holiday together. We snuggle in tighter and not just because of the lack of space.

RICHARD

Mouse Trap

Every Christmas at family get-togethers it’s the same old routine.

Out comes the box, and we all spend an hour or so putting together the various board game pieces, for Mouse trap.

There are, of course, always pieces missing, and we can never get that ridiculous plastic basket to stay put where it’s meant to go. Half the mice have been substituted over the years for Monopoly pieces, which makes the whole thing a bit nonsensical.

And the game is always a crushing disappointment.

I wish you could just quit.

But it’s not in the rules. I double-checked!

LIZZIE

“Quit whining. The mouse trap has been set. The facts are the facts. What about the martian base? I don’t care about the martian base. Let them take care of their own base. We take care of our stuff. No! No way, you’re doing that. The order has been signed and stamped. What do you mean? Yes, with the stamp thing they always use. Not that one. The other one. The mouse trap? You know. No, I’m not saying the martians are mice. What?! We’re not going to stamp the martians! That’s not what I said! Oh, forget about it.”

SERENDIPIDY

Will I ever quit?

I doubt it.

I know it’s a disgusting habit. Antisocial, bad for my health and for the health of those around me, and nowhere near as acceptable as it once was, but I suppose I’m addicted, and I’ve no inclination to stop.

So, you can keep spouting all the facts at me until you’re blue in the face. Tell me it makes my clothes and surroundings reek as much as you like.

Because, I simply don’t care.

I enjoy it, and it relaxes me.

And although killing people may be morally wrong, I love doing it!

TURA

Mousetrap; stamp
———
I found a mouse in the trap today. It was still alive, its hindquarters crushed under the spring. I was taking the trap out to the garden when the mouse spoke to me.

“this world is broken and made of pain” it said in its tiny voice.

“all flesh hungers for obliteration” it said.

“if you knew you would beg to avoid reincarnation”

“pain is all that was and is and shall be”

“choose death”

I pulled open the spring and dropped the body on the garden path, then stamped it under my heel.

Why should I believe a mouse?

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina stamped her foot. “Quit wasting time.” She waved her hand. The rain stopped and the clouds slowly dissipated. “You have to face the facts, Billbert’s life is in danger. You can either help me protect him, or you can get out of my life.”
Linoliamanda looked stunned. “That was harsh.”
The bell rang to start their next class. Before Billbert could step that direction, two very large boys blocked him.
One poked him in the chest with a very hard finger and said, “You look like you want to fight. Meet me after school behind the baseball diamond backstop.”

PLANET Z

Freddy liked to tailgate.
But he didn’t tailgate football or baseball.
He tailgated executions.
He’d load up the truck with coolers and a grill and food and water and beer.
And he’d get a stack of sticks and signboards and a staplegun with staples.
And markers.
He’d sell stuff to the protestors, people from either side, whatever.
And made a lot of money from it.
Until someone tried to steal his cashbox, and he killed the guy.
Freddy was arrested, charged, tried, and convicted.
Death, of course.
And on the night of the execution, protestors showed up, waving blank signs.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Split

Me and Paula were great together. I got the card details, I could play people, got them practically handing me their wallets. She’d call them straight after pretending to be from the bank’s fraud squad, this blocked the line so they couldn’t report anything. Meanwhile I’d go and spend, spend, spend. Expensive stuff we listed immediately on eBay. We were the perfect partnership, divided everything equally.

No one could see what would come next, someone conned me Nan, honestly it split me in two. I couldn’t do it after then.

Then Paula left. Apparently she loved the money, not me.

RICHARD

Your choice

I decided to write one of those ‘choose your own plot’ novels. You know the kind: Every time a plot-changing decision comes along, you decide which choice to take, and everyone’s story will turn out differently.

So, let’s give it a try!

What happens next? Did I finish the story in one hundred words, or not?

Yes, or no?

If you chose ‘no’, then read on. If not, skip to the last line.

So, you chose ‘No’, and as you predicted, I didn’t get to one hundred words… Only ninety-one!

And, since you chose ‘yes’… Of course I did!

LIZZIE

It was damn dark.
She unblocked the phone with his finger.
“The cheating bastard. That bitch will never get the jewels.”
She buried his hand. The rest of the body was somewhere out there, floating in the cold river.
So, what happens next, she thought.
“Get the damn jewelry box, that’s what happens next.”
Total silence.
“Fancy house, he bought her.”
She roamed about in the bedroom.
“Ah, here it is.”
When she opened the jewelry box, she gasped. A bullet?
When she turned around, it was too late.
Damn, it was dark and she had killed the wrong twin.

SERENDIPIDY

So, what happens next?

I think we both know the answer to that.

First, I’ll torture you in ways that can barely be imagined, then I’ll kill you and dispose of your body. Your remains will never be found.

Maybe, they’ll catch me; So what?

I’ll be famous. Newspapers will carry front-page spreads with my picture, books will be written about me, and – who knows – perhaps Netflix will serialise my life?

They may even make a blockbuster movie, about me.

And you?

You’ll just be a blurry photo; a location; a date.

Mostly forgotten. Just another of my victims.

NORVAL JOE

They stepped under the overhang near their classroom as the rainstorm increased in intensity.
Billbert nodded toward Sabrina. “Sabrina is a weather witch. She can control the weather.”
Linoliamanda sniffed. “So, what happens next, lightning and thunder?”
Sabrina shrugged. “If you want.”
With a flash and a boom a bolt of lightning stuck behind the school close to the football field.
Linoliamanda rolled her eyes. “Let me see you hit the flagpole.”
A second later, lightning struck the pole.
“Wait,” Sabrina said. “You said you believe I’m a witch.”
“I do,” Linoliamanda said. “I just wanted to see some magic.”

PLANET Z

While performing trials of the latest cancer drug on mice, Mindy observed that half of the mice turned blue while the other half exploded.
She ran the trial multiple times, and the results were the same.
Half blue, half exploded.
She handed the results to her supervisor, and he tore them up.
“Nonsense!”
Two hours later, watching blue mice scurry from the exploded carcasses of their fellow mice, he wasn’t so dismissive.
“Have you tried this on an odd number of mice?” He asked.
Mindy filled a syringe with serum, injected it into a mouse, and they watched and waited.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

A Sunday Drive

I was up front next to Dad.

It wasn’t a treat to be there, there was just no room in the back. My head juddered against the car window as I stared out, wondering what my friends were doing with their weekend. The city with its lights, traffic and bustle turned into country lanes full of so much green and sky. I felt I never wanted to blink again.

We stopped. It felt remote. Rabbits ran across a field full of little yellow flowers. Dad shouted at me to help drag the mattress out the van.

Then we went home.

RICHARD

Halloween

Putting aside the remote, and futile hope Halloween might be cancelled this year, he resigned himself to the annual onslaught of irritating kids, traipsing over his lawn to demand sweets, with dire warnings of repercussions, should he fail to deliver.

Grimly, he mused that any other night of the year, or if the rules were reversed and he was the one making threats to children, the authorities would, no doubt, take a dim view of such behaviour.

Halloween… He hated it.

Still, he’d get his own back on them at Christmas.

Santa grinned nastily, and poured himself another Jack Daniels.

LIZZIE

“The remote is not working. I cannot change the colors. What? We always change the colors. Summer, Autumn, Wint… Why not? But we just need a new remote. Well, you’re the Creator. That’s your job! Mine is to change the colors. OK, whatever.”
No Autumn this year.
Then, he sneered.
“No help from above?! OK, then. I’ll be God for a season!”
He painted all the houses red. The fences became bright orange and the stones of the pathways golden.
People smiled, amused.
He spread his wings, waved and smiled back, proud of the village he was in charge of.

SERENDIPIDY

There’s no Internet, no mains power or gas, and a septic tank collection, once a month.

The only access is a dirt track, and the nearest settlement is two hours’ drive. I’m well off the beaten track, away from prying eyes.

People wonder how I can live in such a remote location, and honestly, it’s not that easy. I struggle with loneliness and the nights are long and dark. I’ve frequently considered moving back to civilisation and friendly faces.

If I could, I would. But, I can’t.

I have to live out here, because otherwise, people would hear the screams.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda folded her arms and frowned. “Yes. It is coincidence that my father opened a store in this remote, out of the way town at the same time you claim someone is plotting to capture Billbert. Anyway. I think you’re just making that up.”

Billbert laughed and rolled his eyes. “Really Linoliamanda, believe her. It’s the Knights of the Roundtable, or something.”

Fire could have flashed from Sabrina’s eyes. “It’s the Dark Knights and they’re really dangerous.”

Linoliamanda’s eyes went wide. “The Dark Knight? You mean, like, Batman?”

Sabrina’s face turned dark and fat raindrops began to splatter around them.

PLANET Z

A remote is useful if there’s more than an arm’s length between you and a device.
Televisions, cable boxes, ceiling fans.
That kind of thing.
My Dyson fan on the nightstand by the bed has a remote.
So, you’d think the remote would be useless, since I can turn on and off the fan directly.
The problem is, you have to use the remote for oscillation and speed
And the timer, which I never use.
Problem is, the remote is tiny, and easy to lose.
So I replaced the Dyson with a cheap normal fan.
And it works just fine.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Me Gusta

When my daughter did Spanish GCSE we started watching films in Spanish to help her get used to the language. I don’t speak Spanish so relied on Subtitles. For her A Levels we went a step further and changed the language on Netflix to Spanish… all of it. I mostly left her in charge of the remote control.

She’s just left for Manchester University, to study linguistics and Spanish. We forgot to change the telly back though. It’s OK although my Spanish hasn’t improved there’s pictures and symbols like home and thumbs up you know. Anyway I kinda like it.

RICHARD

Well-thumbed

Let’s have a big thumbs up for the opposable thumb!

That marvellous evolutionary miracle which has allowed us to create tools, develop the written word, and made using chopsticks so much less fiddly than it would otherwise have been.

Just imagine if evolution had decided to follow an entirely different direction?

What if we had no thumbs at all? Or, even worse, opposable toes?

We’d all be walking on our hands, eating meals with our feet, and sock design would have followed a wholly different path.

Thankfully it didn’t, because I’m not sure I’m ready for a foot-focussed society!

LIZZIE

Thumbs up to the guitar player and his song and his hair and his boots and his eyes, contacts, and… No, this doesn’t work. She stretched. The damn guitar was more interesting than everything else put together, and it wasn’t even a nice guitar. Why did she have to praise the guy and pretend the whole concert had been amazing? No. She was going to be honest, brutally honest if need be. She opened a new message. “Thumbs up to the guitar player and the song and the hair, wow! And the boots, nice!” She sighed. Yup. Perhaps next time.

SERENDIPIDY

How are you doing so far?

You see, I’ve been getting something of a bad press lately. A lot of talk about how they’ve found signs of torture when they discover the bodies.

Personally, I think they’re focussing on the wrong thing; after all, surely they should be more concerned about the killings?

However, I feel I have a duty to give the public what they want.

So, if you’re feeling OK, can you give me a thumbs up?

And, I’ll just go ahead and slip the thumbscrews on!

You will scream if I tighten them too much, won’t you?

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina rolled her eyes and gave Linoliamanda the thumbs up, and said, “Yeah. Sure. We all know that Billbert can fly. Now, tell us the real reason you followed him all the way to Eureka.”
Linoliamanda showed spunk Billbert had never seen before when she folded her arms, glared at Sabrina, and said, “I don’t have to tell you anything.”
Sabrina sniffed. “You do if you want to be anywhere near Billbert. My coven just devined that there is a plot to capture Billbert and use him for their devices. It’s convenient you suddenly show up at the same time.”

PLANET Z

Every time an Astros pitcher strikes out a batter, the gigantic Minute Maid Park scoreboard plays an animation of a cartoon astronaut planting a flag with the number of K’s.
And then something weird happens…
Falling into a wormhole.
Falling into a crater.
But after every horrible thing, he gives a thumbs up to show he’s okay.
When they first started showing the cartoon astronaut animations, he didn’t give a thumbs up afterwards.
But I guess it was too scary for kids, so they added the thumbs up to show he’s okay.
Still, he’s probably shit his space suit pants.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Hair and the Tortoise

I’ve got a three year old, it makes me not question anything… like yesterday I went into the bathroom and they’ve hacked their own hair off then glued it to the toilet seat next to our pet tortoise, Rex.

Anyway, I started trying to pick the hair off and predictably Rex slipped in. Toddler then runs over and pulls the flush. And Rex has gone, like completely GONE. I know I should’ve taken Rex off first, but I don’t like touching Rex. Didn’t like touching Rex. The hairy glue won’t come of the toilet seat either. Fuck my actual life.

An old postcard

LIZZIE

“Grab your passport and run.” Good advice from the boss.
When his underboss took me to the airplane, I looked unsure. I was the only passenger and I seemed frightened. He nodded. I grabbed my notepad and showed him my notes. “I’m just a journalist.” He nodded some more.
When he grabbed his gun, I smiled. He was confused. I clicked the button and the plane exploded, underboss included.
I’m not sure why I needed the passport, but who am I to question the boss. After all, whatever he decided was the speediest way of getting your life significantly shortened.

RICHARD

Edward

Edward wasn’t the speediest runner in the world. To be fair to him, tortoises aren’t generally regarded as sprinters, but that never stopped him from competing – he was stubborn like that.

Of course, people laughed at him, but he didn’t care, for him it was all about the taking part, not the winning.

Although, winning – now and again – would be nice.

Edward wasn’t nice.

Which is how he came to be grinding up drugs into the hare’s energy drink on race day.

Didn’t work though.

If you’re going to try doping your opponents, speed isn’t the best drug of choice!

SERENDIPIDY

The famous hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, was renowned for the rapidity with which he despatched his clients. The speedier the execution, the better the outcome; at least, that was his approach.

It’s not for me.

I want to see you dangling and choking, your body twitching, whilst your breath wheezes painfully as the noose slowly constricts.

Not for me, the quick snap of the neck, as you drop from the optimum height. Instead, I’ll haul you into position, your own body weight throttling the life from you as you’re eased up from the floor.

You’ll still die.

But, slowly and painfully.

NORVAL JOE

If Sabrina’s outright lie offended Linoliamanda, she didn’t show it, and rejoined Billbert and the witch, following them to class.
Uncomfortable with Sabrina’s deception, Billbert tried to lighten the situation by asking, “What are you doing in Eureka, Linoliamanda?”
She smiled. “Daddy wanted to open a new location of Carpet King.” In the speediest change of subject Billbert had ever seen, Linoliamnda continued, “Sabrina. You know Billbert can fly, don’t you?”
Sabrina shrugged. “I know when we touch our magic makes us levitate, but I wouldn’t call it flying.”
Linoliamanda shook her head. “It’s not magic. He can really fly.”

PLANET Z

The secret police are everywhere.
They are behind every door and every wall.
They are upstairs, listening to the floor.
They are downstairs, listening to the ceiling.
They are at every window, looking in and watching.
If you ask them if they are the secret police, they will deny it.
They will claim to be neighbors, deliverymen, plumbers, and pretty much everything but the secret police.
“I’m dressed as a policeman,” says one. “That’s silly, isn’t it, being the secret police and dressed like police?”
He’s right. It is silly.
And he nods and speaks into his cuff: “All clear.”

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

An Evening at the Fair

I’d begged since January to go then shat myself the whole time I was there. Bright lights randomly pierced the darkness. Crowds jostled against the backdrop of laughter and shouting. We shot arrows, missed targets, yearned for those big bags of candyfloss, the oversized cuddly toys.

Susan Sanders walked by clutching a toy bear a whole head higher than herself. Her grin as she looked at us will stay with me forever. Pride mixed with disdain. The rumour at school the week after was that her Dad had spent millions trying to win it for her.

I started that rumour.

RICHARD

Geek

When I was in school, they told me computers were the way forward. So, I signed up for computer club, becoming one of the geeks that the bullies loved to pick on, and – of course – none of the girls wanted anything to do with me.

Throughout my miserable teens, I learned to code, becoming successful and making millions from developing software and business applications.

So now, I have the last laugh.

Now the girls fall over themselves, when I roll up to the club in my Ferrari.

As for the bullies?

I write viruses to clean out their bank accounts!

LIZZIE

Millions in the bank. She laughed, the fire pit crackling.
The safe. She had cracked it open so easily.
And the code. It was right there for her to grab.
She just walked out of the office and no one noticed.
Doing that boring secretary job for six months was worth it.
The new generation bought the code from her for a fortune. Smart kids. Nothing like their mobster fathers.
It was much better to be in the cottage than in that horrible office.
They were looking for her, of course. But money buys a lot of things, including silence.

SERENDIPIDY

Follow the high street as far as the convenience store, and park up when you get there. You’re not going to need the car from there because you’ll be going off-road.

Look for a gap in the fence, and go through, then follow the mud track for about half a mile. Eventually, the path will come to an end: Look for the arrow carved into the old oak, which will show you the way forward.

You’ll come to an old tin shack.

And that’s where you’ll find me. Waiting in the darkness.

But only, if I don’t find you, first.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda held up the printout of her schedule. “My next class is in room 248.” She looked at Sabrina. “Can you tell me how to get there?”
Without batting an eye, Sabrina said, “Oh yeah. That’s in a portable building in the forest, north of the cafeteria. You kind of go offroad, following the arrow that points across the soccer field. You know you’re there after you wade through a swamp with millions of mosquitoes hovering over it.”
Linoliamanda smiled and headed toward the cafeteria.
“Wait,” Chuck called after her. “Don’t listen to her. Follow us. That’s our classroom, too.”

PLANET Z

The January Code consists of a series of arrows in the eight cardinal directions.
Dots, circles, and bars on the stems allow for multiple ranks of characters.
At first, it was a simple substitution cipher, but it was easy to decode and break.
Then came a new variant, where it was the difference in angle between adjoining arrows that represented the intended character.
The dots and bars spelled out another message in Morse Code.
By the time the enemy had figured out the message, we’d already have attacked.
If we could decipher the damned thing in a timely manner, too.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Smell of Onions

There was an air of excitement around the table. Don’t get me wrong, we were still quiet but hopeful and very hungry. We’d sat a while listening to the crash of pans escaping from the crack in the kitchen door, daring each other to ask Mum when it would be ready.

As the eldest it was left up to me and I didn’t know how to tell them it was another project. There was nothing cooking, she was boiling fabric with onion skins to dye it. I grabbed a packet of crackers, cheese and apples. Another Christmas we’d never forget.

RICHARD

Time Dilation

There’s a popular belief that time slows down in the moments before a crash.

You see events unfolding in slow motion, your whole life flashes before your eyes, and somehow you find time to wish you’d put on a decent pair of underpants that morning. All before you go crashing into the wall, or vehicle coming head-on towards you.

Such was the inspiration for Uncle Frank’s great invention: A device that maximised that slowing effect, giving you enough time to escape the inevitable, unscathed.

That worked perfectly.

It was the huge crash back to normal speed that killed you.

LIZZIE

The bikes were new. He sneered. He didn’t know about the upcoming crash. He didn’t know she’d made a decision. Which one should he ride first? Yes, this one. She had told him not to, but he wanted to ride those bikes. He didn’t care about her. In fact, her words sounded like a warning, the bitch. He never cared about anyone else. He always did what he wanted. When the time came for her to say a few words at the funeral, she sneered and said “Hope you had fun being who you were. Your ride is now over.”

SERENDIPIDY

As if from a distance, I heard the urgent shouts, “Code Blue. We need a crash cart in here!”

Then, people running, frantic activity, and -at the end of it all- the long, unwavering tone of the flatline, a piercing finality, bringing proceedings to their close.

“Time of death, Twelve forty two.”

Smiling, I smoothed my nurse’s uniform, discreetly exited the room and briskly walked down the corridor.

Another doorway beckons, another room, another patient.

I draw the syringe from my pocket and plunge it into their neck.

Then, I step back, hit the alarm, and wait for the action!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina rolled her eyes impatiently. “Sure. I could cure your eyesight. But there are legal ramifications. Such as, if you got into a car crash after we cast a corrective spell, you could attempt to sue based on an expectation of wellness.”
Linoliamanda nodded thoughtfully but Billbert shook his head. “Are you serious?”
Sabrina shrugged. “No and yes. We don’t expect to be sued. We just say that to keep from helping people we don’t like.”
“Right,” Billbert said. “You just met Linoliamanda. How can you say you don’t like her?”
Sabrina sniffed. “She just rubs me the wrong way.”

PLANET Z

Humans are destroying the planet’s rainforests at an alarming pace.
Barely half the rainforests from twenty years ago are still standing.
Farmers and developers are cutting down the trees and plowing up the land.
The Rainforest Cafe exploied the crisis by letting people buy overpriced trinkets and food in Chuck-e-cheesey animatronic environments.
But the theme restaurant is waning, and barely half of them are still standing.
So, I’ve ripped off my Save the Rainforests bumpersticker, and replaced it with Save the Rainforest Cafes.
I smile as I fill the tank at the gas station, spilling a bit on the pavement.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Gift

It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.

It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.

At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –

For you, DS Tunstall xx

RICHARD

Contact Lens

“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”

The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!

“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”

My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’

Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”

“What?”

I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.

She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.

LIZZIE

“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”

SERENDIPIDY

I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.

It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.

Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.

And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.

They’re not for your fingernails.

I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”

PLANET Z

Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”