Category: Weekly Challenge

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipity
• Tom
• Jon
• Jeffrey
• Laeianna
• Duane
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

Grab a bag and fill it with stars, one by one. One star for each day you’ve made it. One star for each doubt you’ve overcome. One star for each moment of loneliness, for each step you’ve taken. Grab a bag and fill it with dreams, one by one. One dream for each tomorrow, for each smile, for each doubt you’ve left behind. And when you open that bag, you won’t know which are the stars and which the dreams. While you carried them around, they talked and they smiled. They knew they would be free, as free as fireflies.

RICHARD

Baggage Retrieval

I hate waiting around at airports. It’s bad enough spending hours in the departure lounge, but being expected to do the same at the other end at baggage retrieval is maddening!

So these days I travel light; but hand luggage doesn’t really suffice for longer trips, so I’ve taken to wandering down to reclaim where I just grab a bag – any bag – off the nearest carousel.

It doesn’t always work: I once spent a week wearing women’s underwear, but usually I get by with other people’s luggage.

And the drugs I discover more than cover the cost of future trips!

Self Defence

My ex-wife, amongst her many other dubious talents, taught women’s self-defence classes at the local community centre.

Completely unqualified, she nevertheless devised a foolproof means of dealing with male attackers which she claimed would work every time.

Her method was simple: Reach between the legs, grab, and twist as violently as possible.

She was absolutely right too… It did work, every single time; I can personally attest to that, after the many practice runs she insisted on conducting at home.

People ask me why it took me so long to leave her…

Simple: I just didn’t have the balls!

TOM

A Little Help From a Friend

“Hey kid Grab a bag,” said the head suit. There was piles of them in the room. Heavy sucker. Who would of thought a bag of paper could weigh that much. The drive to the hanger at O’Hare was uneventful, when my counter parts at National did the unloading they noted they were a bag shy. This is how I ended up on the redeye to DC. I and the last bag took a taxi to Fener Building on Q Street. On the fifth floor a bunch on mid aged women where redistributing the last of Clement Stone’s contribution.

JEFFREY

Grabby Hands
by Jeffrey Fischer

The cashier scanned my handful of groceries: a half-dozen apples, some yogurts, and a box of cookies for balance. I wanted to speed things along, as the line behind me was substantial, so I grabbed a plastic bag and loaded the scanned items. “That’ll be 5 cents for the bag.”

“Say what?”

“The county charges a nickel for each plastic bag used to reduce waste.”

“I’m new here. I used to live somewhere civilized. But have it your way.” I took one apple in each hand and walked them to the car. On my third trip, the other customers looked ready for murder. The cashier grabbed a bag, loaded the remaining items, and shoved the bag at me. Me: 1, government 0.

DUANE

We had been hiking all day. It was already dark, so we settled down in the middle of a grove of small trees. We covered our packs with garbage bags to keep the dew off them, unrolled our sleeping bags and went to sleep. We awoke the next morning in the middle of a tall patch or marijuana.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! We have to get out here. Should we call the cops?”

“Hey!” I whispered loudly. “Right now you are going to do two things. One, you are going to shut the hell up!”

“And two?”

“Grab a bag.”

LAIEANNA

I sifted through the mystery grab bags of candy Mr. Johnson sold,
looking for the one filled with only the best. Testing the contents,
I manhandled bags and tried to see inside, holding the brown paper
bags to the light. They were stapled shut and refused to yield their
secret. Taking my best guess, I took one up to the counter. Mr.
Johnson shook my bag, then his head, and took it back to the box to
replace with another, adding a wink and smile. Sometimes my sweet
tooth benefited that Mr. Johnson was a little sweet on my mom.

PLANET Z

There’s always some kind of fundraiser drive going at the grocery store.
The Girl Scouts camp out at the entrance, selling cookies.
Is that the only camping they actually do?
Then there’s food drives.
For the holidays, they have a shelf of grocery bags.
You can buy one for a family in need, but who knows what crap is in there.
Certainly not meat or healthy things that require refrigeration.
Or you can tack on a few bucks at the register.
The nerve of them! Don’t they already donate the expired and overstocked food to homeless shelters and food pantries?

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipity
• Tom
• Jeffrey
• Jon
• Norval Joe
• Dr. Alex
• Laeianna
• Duane
• Tura
• Planet Z

RICHARD

If only I had…

If only I had more words than the measly hundred I’ve been allocated, I could do so much more…

Short stories, monologues and pulp fiction would flow from my keyboard like there was no tomorrow. Novels, trilogies even whole serialisations – great tomes of storytelling grandeur would spill from the creative forge of my mind, finding form in the written word.

Whole bookshops and libraries would be filled by the outpourings of my creativity.

But I’m stuck with these lousy one hundred words… And what the hell can you do with that?

You can’t even write a half decent dabble with just a

LIZZIE

If only I had a moment, one single moment…
I would close my eyes and listen to the languid swooshing of the old windmill.
I would be a seagull for a moment, one single moment, and feel the wind under my wings.
I would sway softly in a soothing flight of sheer weightlessness. I would be suspended in mid-air.
And I would forget everything. I would forget time. I would forget pain. I would forget the struggle.
I would just fly in a motionless sense of abandonment.
I would close my eyes and listen to that one single effortless moment.

SERENDIPITY

It’s not the first time that you’ll have found me, surrounded by the aftermath of my handy work, and yet looking strangely discontent.

You’d imagine that I’d be more than happy with my achievements – based on the sheer quantities of blood, guts and gore alone… But, if I’m honest, it’s really not enough.

You see, it’s just a little too transitory. I simply don’t have the luxury of lingering a while to enjoy the macabre show: That would be foolish and irresponsible.

And always, that same irritating voice in my head. “If only I had thought to bring a camera!”

TOM

No Regrets, Maybe One or Two

If I had to catalog all my galactic bad choices the mere index would take up a book shelf. But I guess the supreme “If only I had …” would have to have been following the siren’s call of Donald Henry Segretti. Though I didn’t end up in jail, so many had, I did become persona non grata in Republican circles. If only I had joined the merry band of Carl Rove I would have walked the hall of power like a god. And most likely become a major ass hole. Still it would have been one hell of a ride.

JEFFREY

If I Only had a Tank
by Jeffrey Fischer

Commuting in the DC metro area is a game with no good moves. Public transportation is a joke and driving any distance is both scary and an exercise in frustration. Oh, and parking in DC itself is eye-wateringly expensive.

If I only had a tank, the commute would improve. I’m sure of it. No one would cut me off on the highway – well, not more than once as the .50 caliber machine gun would remove the offender from the road. Once on the surface streets, I wouldn’t be the one worried about scrapes and dings. And you know where you park a tank? That’s right, anywhere you want to. Who cares if it burns 50 gallons of fuel each way and costs more than $8 million? We’ll be traveling in style!

JON

If Only…

By

Jon DeCles

If only I had jumped in the car and taken off when I saw her coming across the parking lot: but she looked so different; and Sociopaths are always charming. If I had let my brain uncover the horrible memories of damage to other couples… But Social Predators are graceful in their lies. In retrospect, I fell a second time into her web of surgical razors, this time the central victim rather than a secondary fool. She enticed me to dependency, then despondency, and then I found myself powerless, observing.

If only I had killed her then and there.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert clung to a tree branch forty feet above the school yard, hoping no one would look up and see him.
Naked, except for a loincloth made from a plastic grocery bag he wondered how he had allowed himself to be tricked into this situation.
No one did this at his last middle school. Why did he believe Roderick that everyone did it on their first day at this school?
“If only I had superpowers, I could fly away,” Billbert said, though he knew it was an empty wish. “Maybe I should jump. I can’t be embarrassed if I’m dead.”

DR. ALEX

Weekly Challenge for Feb 11th 2018 with the topic of “If only I had…”
by Dr. Alex

“I’m getting the band back together!” was my usual rally cry for the for the past month.

“Yes, yes, I know” was Seth’s usual reply.

Reviewing this week’s progress with Seth, “We have Alice set on maracas. Justin likes his high hat. Rachel on xylophone. Now, if only I had a kazoo player.”

“Seth! Really!? I didn’t know you knew how to play this whole time!”

Three weeks later, we were booked for a Thursday evening performance at the Tropicana.

Clearly, this had been some sort of a scheduling error, or a perhaps cruel joke by the departing events manager.

LAIEANNA

If only I had jumped when they all had. I would be soaring above in
the clouds with a pair of angel wings, the sound of my joyous laughter
ringing in the air. If only I had not been afraid. I didn’t have the
faith needed to follow the masses and blindly drop off the cliff. It
was insane. I tried to find someone who would side with me but I was
alone. Now, I’m alone, staring down at the pit of lava below as the
earth rumbles underneath me and I know I will be tossed into the
flames.

DUANE

If only I had…

Disneyland doesn’t have employees, they have cast members. Everyone from Goofy to that guy selling mouse ears are actors. Even the girl taking your ticket for the teacup ride has a back story.

If only I had fit the Mickey costume. I could have stood around waving and taking pictures with vacationing families and drunk college girls.

Instead, my character is a janitor. A pirate janitor. A pirate janitor with an eye for the ladies and an eye patch on the other eye. That eye used to be my eye for the ladies, but that’s a story for another time.

TURA

If only I had…

———

There was a knight of Arthur’s band

Who did great deeds by strength of hand

But no wise would he be content

Till Guinevere lay in his tent.

Disloyalty was his downfall

Without which he had had else all

“If only I had Guinevere”

Quoth he, “there’s nought else I hold dear.”

But all men know how that turned out

In Caxton’s book of Arthur’s Morte.

If Lancelot had not been false

Then things had not come to this pass.

But even in the courts of kings

Man’s fatal defect evil brings

And that’s why we can’t have nice things.

———

PLANET Z

Some people think that flu shots give you the flu.
For years, I’d get a flu shot, and feel bad afterwards.
So, this year, I didn’t get a flu shot.
And I got the flu. The real flu.
Not just feeling bad afterwards kind of feeling bad.
The real flu. The coughing, sneezing, vomiting, chills and fevers, shitting your guts out flu.
I crawl on the floor, covered in a blanket, leaving a trail of tissues and God knows what else.
Clutching the empty orange juice container to my aching chest, moaning “I’ll get one next year!” over and over.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• The Keeme
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tom
• Dr. Alex
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Laeianna
• Planet Z

THE KEEME

GOODBYE (Please Tiger)

Goodbyes are difficult. From getting dumped by text message, to just being ghosted. Excuses are all bullshit that become blurry after one realizes the truth of it all.
YOU HAVE NO MESSAGES
“Hello Mom, Pick up its me.”
“Hey Dude, its me again, Please pickup.”
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to talk to someone, anyone… even you.”
“Hi, Call me back bro, if you want.”
YOU HAVE ONE MESSAGE
“Whoever listens to this, I don’t blame anyone, it’s what I needed to do. Please tell mom I love her and I’ll always be her little tiger cub.”

RICHARD

I was rubbish in the scouts. I hated camping, orienteering, gang shows and all that other nonsense.

As for earning badges: I was the least decorated boy in the troop.

How ironic, that it was thanks to me one of the most challenging badge tasks ever was created.

I was attempting my knotwork badge, and when I handed my efforts – a terminally tangled mess of rope, never to be untangled again, to the troop leader, he told me… “That’s not how you tie a knot?”

“Why?” I responded.

And that’s how the ultimate knotwork challenge – The Why Knot – was created.

LIZZIE

“Why not the head first?” asked Paulie.
“That’s not the way we do it,” replied the boss.
“Why not?”
“Because. Go grab the leg for me and shut up.”
Paulie crossed the yard, grabbed the leg from a bucket, and dragged it back.
“Here.” And he dumped the leg on the kitchen table.
“Hey. Remember the arm.”
The acid would do wonders, but last time he had to deal with an arm, it flipped in such an odd way he didn’t sleep for a whole damn week.
“Why not the head…?”
“Paulie…”

TOM

In To The Words

I’m not inclined to take my clothing off in public, but when camping in the woods with a 100 or so pagans the line between public and semipublic sort of blurs out. And it wasn’t like I got buck naked. I was sort of half-naked. This allow me to keep a close watch on the fire circle without scorching Mr. Happy. Those around me were layering themselves with commercial grade clay. A particular earnest young woman approached with two fist full of clay. Why not, I thought. So I became a member of the Clay Tribe. Damn cold though.

DR. ALEX

A 100 word story – “Why not?”
By Dr. Alex

Around the bend came the first set of headlights I’d seen since starting this late night hours journey.
The unknown Packard slowed beside me. Yelling out, he called: “Hey, Buddy, need a lift?”
My socks – no dryer than a used kitchen sponge and the blisters about to pop before completing my walk ahead. “Sure,” I said, “why not?”
Then did I notice poking my right hip a bulge in the map holder. “What’s this?” I asked.
“Oh, that pistol it’s just in case I run into trouble.”
I wonder what sort of trouble we were now looking to find.

SERENDIPITY

You know how you sometimes get those feelings? You know… The ones where you toy with the idea of doing away with your partner, bumping off your boss, or wiping out the idiot who just cut you up in the street.

Everyone has them – those flights of fancy when we plan the perfect murder: Rat poison in the pudding; the severed brake pipe; the anonymous stabbing in a dark alleyway.

Don’t pretend that you haven’t.

We all have.

The only real difference between you and me, is that when you say “Why would I?”

I say, “Why not?”

JEFFREY

Tell them they’re all special. Make sure there are quotas for those who would otherwise not make the grade. Ensure they can take humanities classes – never mind exposing them to science – and the eliminate the traditional Western history and literature courses because they foster the “patriarchy.” Add Black Studies, Feminist Studies, Queer Studies, insisting that life is nothing but identity politics. Emphasize fantasty concepts such as “queer math,” or 72 genders. Provide safe spaces so students never have to come into contact with a countervailing idea. Tell them that they can change the world, then let them loose into it. Watch society go up in flames.

Why not? What could possibly go wrong?

NORVAL JOE

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb Mount Everest, was asked why he climbed mountains.
His not so famous initial response was, “Why not?”
Vocal environmentalists and human rights activists responded on social media citing many reasons why people should not climb mountains. Such as: The irreversible damage caused to fragile alpine ecosystems, the accumulating detritus of climbing equipment, materials, and human waist, and the exploitation of local indigenous peoples.
Tenzing Norgay, Hillary’s Nepalese Sherpa guide was asked the same question.
His philosophical response, “Because it’s there”, was so much more succinct that Hillary claimed credit for the quote.

LAEIANNA

Unlike other children at the age of wonder, Dinah’s questions revolved
around why not each time I declined her demands, and what a range of
demands. If my reasoning was not satisfactory to her developing mind,
I felt her wrath. Not some standard child’s tantrum, but fire. Real
fire blazed from Dinah and I would receive the burn. After a year of
dealing with this demonic power, I realized I was ill equipped. I
took little Dinah to the fire station for a no questions asked
abandonment of my child. I mean, they have better tools for dealing
with her.

PLANET Z

We selectively bred plants and animals to improve them.
Make them useful. Better.
We gathered bacteria and viruses, tested them, to make medicines.
Why not humans?
The law? Really?
You expect me to believe that?
Once, alterations cost a fortune.
And those who could afford them were above the law.
Now, anyone can afford them.
Which makes it impossible to police them all.
Pure is so rare.
You and me, unaltered.
But we’re not pure.
After all, I’m a copy of you.
Or are you a copy of me?
It doesn’t matter.
After I eliminate you, I’ll be perfect again.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Dr. Alex
• Duane
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

Look Away, Please

A crowd gathered near the collapsed bridge. The front part of the truck was stuck on one side of the bridge, the back on the other.
“Icy pavement?”
Heads shook.
“Where’s the driver?”
They checked security cams, interviewed witnesses, searched the truck. Nothing.
“So, no one was driving the truck?”

Elsewhere, monitors showed live images from the accident.
A man adjusted the noose around the woman’s neck.
“Let’s get this tighter.”
She didn’t last long.
The man smiled. Improving his obsolete technological skills opened up a whole new world of possibilities. They would never catch him.

RICHARD

#1 – The Tiger on the Corner

The tiger on the corner
I encountered yesterday
Told me to wear a tie
if I wished to pass that way
Ties are not my thing:
An obsolete, old fashioned style,
But a detour would require me
to walk another mile.
I asked if he’d reconsider his demand,
But his stare – cold as winter – underlined his command.
He smiled a webcam smile,
showing all his teeth
And a shiver passed right through me,
and led to my belief
That I’d be tiger food
if I pushed my luck that night.
So instead of turning left,
I turned that corner right!

#2 – Spank Me!

“Please tie me up”, she whispered, “and spank me with a fresh haddock”.

It wasn’t the most bizarre request she’s made of me, but it was up there with the best of them. What really made it something out of the ordinary was the setting.

Most previous escapades had taken place in the privacy of our own home, apart from one memorable experience at the local swingers’ club, but this was a first for both of us.

The middle of McDonald’s on a Wednesday afternoon!

And where the hell was I going to find a fresh haddock in these surroundings?

TOM

Let the Leaf Fall Slowly

Cornered Tiger lifted his hand towards most honorable Obsolete Winter. “Please,” said Tiger. Winter floated to the center of the mat. They locked arms and pressed in fits and starts. The match went back and forth over the hour. Tiger ahead, then Winter ahead both encountered the raging chi of the other’s particular form of deep power. The whole affair was produced on a shoe string budget. No high def cams. Just two webcams that streamed it to a public server in Seoul. In the end the match was a tie, but 50,000,000 viewers rated the match a monumental success.

SERENDIPITY

From the moment you encountered me, your fate was sealed. You knew it as well as I – your death was inevitable, the only question: How you would eventually meet your end.

I thought you deserved special treatment… Not for you the quick, clean end, brought about by piano wire, rope or poison. Neither would you experience the sudden, sharpness of cold steel, or a bullet to the head.

I had something different in store for you – call it poetic justice.

Surrounded by your hunting trophies, shackled and bound… Now the hunter had become the hunted:

Time to release the tiger!

JEFFREY

Fetish
by Jeffrey Fischer

Aviv’s webcam was discretely located in a corner of his bedroom, hidden by stuffed animals. Those who spotted the camera assumed Aviv enjoyed recording his amorous encounters. Aviv was a minor celebrity, known mainly from advertisements. He would have no trouble inviting women to his place.

Susan, a former conquest, who had noticed the webcam too late, hired a burglar to steal the footage. She didn’t want her sighs and moans made public, and thought the opportunity for blackmail too good to pass up. When the thief turned over a thumb drive, Susan was surprised. Aviv did indeed have a fetish. Again and again the camera showed Aviv dressing in a suit and tie, arranging several stuffed animals around a child-sized table, enjoying tea with the animals. All except for the tiger, who didn’t care for tea and sat contemplating a glass of milk while Aviv chattered away.

TURA

The Dudelsack
———
The dudelsack is native to the Jura mountains. It is a protected species nowadays, but in times past it was hunted for its skin. Even then they were rarely encountered, for they are secretive creatures, quick to flee from any disturbance. In winter they hibernate in burrows they dig for the purpose. This was the season when dudelsack hunters would search the hills for their secret dens, and take advantage of their drowsiness to trap the prey without damaging its hide. It was chiefly prized for making Alpine bagpipes, and this is why the German word for bagpipe is Dudelsack.

NORVAL JOE

Barry was a proctologist but not a very good proctologist.

He paid bottom dollar for a failing practice in a low income part of town.

He refused to pay for any newer technology. In fact he would typically use worn out or obsolete tools unless he was cornered and threatened with a law suit.

At one point the ancient proctoscope that came with the practice finally gave up the ghost.

Did Dr. Barry Pokenbottom shell out good money for a new one?

Nope.

Finding materials in a storage room, he tied a webcam to a broomstick and used that instead.

DR. ALEX

Jeremy spent the last week preparing himself for battle – tweaking his blank stare after heading advice from his webcam chat room buddies.

He knew he was ready. Then he heard it: “Let’s play Family Feud!”

First to the podium and ready to face off against an exquisite brunette named Sally, little did Jeremy know that she had also prepared. Her with her leopard print slip under her pencil skirt.

Jeremy, however, was not to be undone, for he had chosen well: his tiger striped bow tie that showed proudly.

With a flick of his wrist. Buzzer! “Answer?”

“Banana split!” Ding!

DUANE

Obsolete and Please

The new GF25 comes out tomorrow. Now nobody likes hearing that their girlfriend is obsolete, but you have to keep up with technology. The “25” is smarter, faster and has a pleasure rating of 89. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.

I’ll probably just take the trade in even though I could get more on Craigslist. I don’t like answering all the questions about scratches and dents and performance problems.

Teaching a new girlfriend is the only drawback. I wish you could download your likes and dislikes from the old one, but the GF25 isn’t compatible with old girlfriends.

PLANET Z

Diana liked to point her webcam out the window and stream the scene in her backyard.
The snow, falling through the old willow tree, blanketing the ground in white.
Every now and then, a bright red cardinal at the bird feeder.
It was beautiful. People from around the world watched her webcam’s feed.
So, when the feed vanished, the discussion boards exploded in worry.
What happened to Diana?
And then, eventually, a final screen capture appeared: a girl in a night shirt, hanging from a rope by her neck from the willow tree.
And a knocked-over chair, half-covered with snow.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Richard
• Dr. Alex
• Lizzie
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Maganeet
• Norval Joe
• Tom
• Duane
• Keeme
• Planet Z

(If I missed a link, please remind me via email. Thanks.)

RICHARD

Smart!

I was keen to jump on the smart device band wagon, and take advantage of the gullible members of the iPhone generation.

So I invented Smart ePants™: Internet enabled underwear for the man, or the woman, who has everything… Because who wouldn’t want undies that vibrate when you have email, with a built-in browser for surfing on the move, and Amazon Prime enabled too?

When sales flopped, I went back to the drawing board, stripped out most of the functionality, beefed up the vibration settings, and relaunched Smart ePants™ as the ultimate sex toy.

I made an absolute killing!

DR. ALEX

The topic of this weeks’ story: “Smartypants”
By Dr. Alex (Hamling)

My three year old and I have an agreement of reading two books per night before bed, and this has never been broken.

After this evening’s tantrum over wanting to eat from the trapezoid plate, I was sure she had chosen her “crabby pants” PJs. No, they were this week’s usual Peppa Pig outfit.

An hour later, we finished “The Five Little Firemen,” without so much as a whisper. She scanned her bookshelf and chuckled while reaching for her second book: “Richard Scarry’s Best Storybook Ever – 82 Wonderful Stories.”

Clearly, she had chosen her “smarty pants” to sleep in.

LIZZIE

“Pathetic idea. This won’t work. Plants need water,” said the moody Professor.
However, Peter was determined.
He tweaked the genetic code for months. Then, he finally made it. The plant grew without the need for any assistance. People just had to place it in a large pot and leave it be.
Peter also programmed the plant to identify the Professor who is now, let’s say, part of the said plant.
The downside of this story is that the plant is always in a bad mood, the roots throwing the soil out of the pot. Good thing, it’s in slow motion.

SERENDIPITY

Johnny ‘Smarty Pants’ Puccini hadn’t earned his nickname for nothing. As mobsters go, he was the smartest and most switched on of all the Dons.

He had fingers in more pies than you could shake a stick at, and the turnover from his protection rackets would have put Fort Knox to shame.

He was invincible, or so everybody thought.

But I knew better.

I stood facing him in the alleyway…

“You thinking you’re gonna whack me?” he growled

“Nope” I said, as I handed him our divorce papers.

It was the alimony that killed him!

Not so smart, after all.

MAGANEET

False Advertising
Everyone just about likes something to strike a chord, or make someone else go “ooh” or “ahh”. A few years back I recall seeing the word “Juicy” plastered on the butts of many teenage girls. Her butt is juicy? I wondered if the labeling ones backside could be even more intriguing by advertising other attributes like “smelly” or “smarty pants”. Doubtful that “Smelly” written even in the fanciest of fonts sell however. I could imagine a teen proudly snapping a selfie wearing her “Smarty Pants” in front of a fireplace, an errant spark shoots out hitting her ass. Oh I bet that smarts!

NORVAL JOE

When Frank was a freshman at the university he had difficulty making friends as an art major. He was excited when he was invited to a party put on by some friends from his political science class.

He put on his party pants, thinking that’s what all college students do.

He immediately felt out of place, ready to drink, dance, and get wild in his red, brown, and yellow striped bell bottoms, when greeted by his friends in their black or khaki smartypants.

There would be no drinking, dancing or getting wild. Only games like pictionary, trivial pursuit, and chess.

JEFFREY

Amazon’s first efforts to use the Internet of Things to drive sales involved the big buttons: punch the Tide button, Tide pods show up. Their big leap forward was internet-enabled Smarty Pants™️. Sensors transmitted information back to Big Brother. Dirty pants? Tide pods and stain remov arrived like magic. Ate too much at Christmas? Jeff Bezos knows you need a larger belt and sends one.

The downside to the pants was that sensors occasionally stuck in awkward places. Guys with infrequent erections didn’t appreciate the Viagra that arrived, while wives were often suspicious when boxes of Trojans showed up if their husbands were easily excited. Men generally ditched Smarty Pants™️ for Walmart’s lower-tech version, Discreet Pants™️, which had the right number of sensors: zero.

TOM

Tool the Man User

The first device that constituted an awareness of smart that I recall from the previous millennium was the Epson dot matrix printer. Its ability to be programed on some deeper level led me to believe it was indeed smarter that I. A long line of computer driven devices followed, modems, graphic cards, and cameras. Then came the watches, fitness trackers, and the now ubiquitous smart phones. There’s even a line of luggage, suite case, pack, and wallet networked together in an interactive smart mini grid. But what I really am looking forward to are Smarty Pants. So is Mr. Happy.

DUANE

Smartypants

Growing up in a small coast town in the late 70s, we weren’t always smart, but we were cool. We ditched the Levis 501 jeans and started wearing the “unisex” jeans that were popular in the big cities. We didn’t know how they came up with the names, but “Sticky Fingers” and “San Francisco Riding Gear” sounded pretty cool. We wore them tight too.

Parents were dumbfounded that we would spend thirty dollars on jeans. They didn’t understand being cool. They didn’t understand that with these jeans we didn’t need money. These jeans didn’t have pockets. Yeah, we were cool.

THE KEEME

SMARTYPANTS
SOUTHPAW

The once celebrated author read the challenge and thought to himself “what a piece of cake! I’ll just tell my story about a breakup, with apocalyptic undertones” and just like a washed up boxer past his prime he thought “I bet I’ll wow the group with my comeback bout, with style and finesse.” After a few hours of writing, editing and recording his masterpiece, he submitted just before the deadline. Smiling and full of himself he decided to see if the challenge was posted. To his horror the challenge he submitted was from months before. A TKO in the first.

PLANET Z

Apple released the iPants about a year ago.
It’s like a smartphone, but it’s pants.
They’re comfortable, but they only fit one size.
If you lose or gain weight, you need new pants.
And that can get expensive.
Not to mention that they’re dryclean only.
If you set a reminder to pick up drycleaning, how are you going to get it?
Apple realized its mistake and changed their wearable strategy.
Now, they have the iBelt.
It fits a range of sizes, and you don’t need to dryclean it.
And when you’re beating your kid with it, it counts for you.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Richard
• Serendipity
• Tom
• Jeffrey
• Norval Joe
• Tura
• Planet Z

RICHARD

“So”, she asked, looking coy, “are you involved with anyone?”

“Involved?”

“Don’t be shy – you know what I mean. Are you seeing someone; romantically involved; any significant other in your life?”

I looked at her askance.

“Don’t you think that’s a little inappropriate, considering the circumstances?” I countered.

“Oh, I don’t think you mean that”, she said, undoing anther button…

I turned to consult with my colleagues: “Well, what do you think?”

The look on their faces told me all I needed to know.

“I’m sorry, Miss Smith, but we don’t think you’re suited to teaching at this primary school!”

SERENDIPITY

I can’t bear those ridiculous crime programmes on TV. I don’t care if it’s CSI, Columbo, or even Miss Marple; there’s no attempt at realism and the plots are so convoluted and involved it beggars belief that anybody could take them at all seriously.

The truth of the matter is that a couple of police officers turn up, poke around for a bit, take some pictures of the body, then arrange for it to be carted off to the morgue, where the whole thing is forgotten, The paperwork simply isn’t worth the effort.

As long as I pay them well.

JEFFREY

The Times We Traveled
by Jeffrey Fischer

In the end, time travel turned out to be less of a trick than scientists feared. To be sure, the calculations were very involved, but they were no challenge for the finest mathematical minds of the day.

Of course, even the best minds can’t think of everything. As soon as the chief scientist threw the switch to operate the machine, all possible futures occurred at once. Ex-wives quarelled with wives from realities where the divorce never happened. Powerful nations from one timeline clashed with those in other timelines, sometimes with disastrous results. From that moment, time was indeed quite involved.

TOM

River of No Return

He tried to ignore the word. It sailed in with the usually stream of directives, suggestions, and near imperatives. It took a bit to parse because Ann, his latest, and longest surviving girlfriend was a 33rd level relationship magi. Her ability to break the finer points of couplesness into near infinitesimal infinite lines of input code which as a rule just by-passed Ben’s male firewall drilling direct down into his soul had come in the form of a question. So there is was: INVOLED. The Closer he came to a reply the closer his free ranging day were at an end.

NORVAL JOE

As Bernard was growing up, his father tried to teach him life’s lessons.

He was a successful psychiatrist, so he was believable when he counseled to never get romantically involved with your customers. He lost some credibility when he ran off with one of his patients who had multiple personality disorder. Each of her personalities was a different performer in a circus. Bernard’s dad was going to be the ring master.

Bernard thought he could follow his father’s guidance by becoming a mortician until he tried to embalm a beautiful vampiress who bit him and made him into her consort.

TURA

Involved
———
The involution transporter had one disadvantage: everything that went through it arrived inside out. Go on, imagine putting yourself through one. It’s popular among the nastier regimes of the world for executing condemned criminals. Then someone realised that if you made two jumps you’d end up inside in. It needs huge accuracy to arrive not just right way out but exactly the same shape, and it’s still a shock. Not to mention that perceptible moment when your digestive tract is on your outside and your skin is on your inside. Not many people can cope with that. A pity, really.

PLANET Z

It is Winter. Outside of the church, Elsa sells matches in the street.
Her father beats her if she does not sell anything, so she stays out in the cold.
Nobody buys matches. Everyone just passes her by, up the steps into the church.
To keep warm, Elsa strikes the matches, one by one.
The church choir sings of love, kindness, and charity.
So Heavenly. So beautiful.
So hypocritical.
Elsa strikes her last match and lights the church on fire.
As worshippers flee the blaze, she steals the collection box and grabs a dropped coat and scarf to keep warm.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Magneeta
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipity
• Tom
• Jeffrey
• Norval Joe
• Duane
• Tura
• Planet Z

MAGNEETA

The Knock Out

The boxer approached the ring on bouncing feet pausing for effect, pawing the air with a quick one two punch. Fans in the arena twirling towels above heads. Towels blazed in red and gold flame colors like flags. They were chanting the words “Knock out” pointing towards the seated opponent in her corner of the ring. The cadence of stomping feet made a dramatic scene for the pay per view audience.

Dad sat slack jawed at home until orange cheesy fingers grabbed the remote, changing the channel. Bolting from chair and hitting floor little sis laughs pointing “Ha, knock out!”

RICHARD

Slack

Sometimes you have to be careful about what you ask for.

Work was tough: It was our busy time of the year, three people off sick, and I was expected to cover, do my own job and still meet the targets!

Then the regional manager called in, and I was summoned into his office.

“We want you to take on additional responsibilities…”

I protested. Asked him to cut me some slack.

He did!

A great big slice of slack – so now I don’t have to worry about any cover, there’s no targets and no additional responsibility.

And no job, either!

LIZZIE

“Dust everywhere.” Whenever the Duchess arrived at the hotel, she criticized everything. “Look at this.” And she slapped the velvet on the chairs.

Mr. Roberts, the manager, smiled and nodded, gently guiding her towards the elevator. Once she was safely tucked away inside the diabolic machine, as she called it, peace would return.

When the diabolic machine, no doubt highly offended, decided to take revenge, plummeting two floors down into the dust infested cellar, the Duchess went to the papers and vowed never to stay there again.

The hotel then became extremely successful. Dust can be such a lifesaver.

SERENDIPITY

There’s an art to this job – actually, it’s more a science than an art. You’d be surprised just how complex it is.

Too much slack, and they’ll crash into the ground below; messy, and a whole pile of paperwork to fill out.

A little less, and it gets even messier – you can imagine what being brought up short from a drop like that does to a body!

Too little, and they just hang there, dangling like a broken puppet – hardly ideal.

Yes indeed, bungee jumping can be pretty complex.

And the science comes in handy when I’m doing executions too!

TOM

GO Down to the Sea in Ships

The Mother watched in horror as the child pitch over the edge of the boat. The rope tied to the child trailed under the bow. If she put it tough her baby would be pull against and under. If she let the line go slack she had to trust the little one would boob to the surface. Though her white knuckles held the rope with a vice like grip she willed her arm to remain frozen. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. When Sally surfaced she hooked the vest and pulled her into the boat.

JEFFREY

He’s Lost Control
by Jeffrey Fischer

Back in the early 80s, in high school, the marching band was taken VERY SERIOUSLY. Oh, not by the students, who, like now, found everything hilarious, but by the earnest band director. His opening speech at the start of the year included a version of: “I know you kids like to wear jeans and such, but we’re not going to do that. In my room, the girls will wear skirts or dresses and the boys will wear a nice pair of slacks.” This inevitably cracked up the room. The director, who apparently was unaware of the word “pants,” would turn red and demand to know what was so funny. Just say it out loud: “slacks.” It’s a funny word. Especially when you’re 16.

NORVAL JOE

Jimmy pulled in the slack of his line bringing the bait right in front of the fish’s nose. He could see his next meal hovering in the shadows beneath the bank. If only the trout was as hungry as he was. Then it would bite.

Thramble, the rock troll, crept as silently as a rock troll could, his net held ready to cast on the boy. Just two more steps and he would have his lunch.

Like thunder, the troll’s stomach rumbled.

Jimmy startled, kicking stones into the pool.

The trout dashed into hiding.

Consequently, no one got to eat.

DUANE

Slack

Tightrope walkers have always been some amazing risk takers. That’s what makes a good sport. They have crossed Niagara Falls, the Thames River and high between too many skyscrapers to even list.

Todays sport balance aficionados are slackers. No, literally slackers. While the rope walkers of yore would be hundreds of feet in the air and no net, today we find everyone showing off their skills on a “slackline.” A limp rope two feet above the nice soft grass. When tightrope walkers failed, it was epic, deadly and made the paper. Today they just get a rope rope burn.

Slackers!

TURA

Slack
———
Bring me the metal and I can forge anything into a knife. Steel cable, a motorbike chain, the lock on a condemned cell, anything. Then there’s the quenching. What goes in the slack tub can get rather esoteric. Ordinarily it’s water or oil, sometimes sand, but a lot of people, usually from biker gangs, think bulls’ blood is just the thing. One client asked for baby fat, but it’s just too difficult to get in any quantity. The knife I’m forging right now, he wants it quenched in a live human body.

Don’t worry, it won’t hurt for very long.
———

PLANET Z

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got caught a lot.
Dragged from a jail cell and into a courtyard, a yardarm and a noose waited for George.
“Any last words?” asked the magistrate.
“I guess I’ve come to the end of my rope,” said George.
The magistrate put the noose around George’s neck, tightened it, and shoved him off of the platform.
George landed on the ground below.
“You didn’t tie it down,” said George, laughing, and he ran for his ship.
They added the theft of a rope to his list of charges.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Charlie
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Norval Joe
• Duane
• Planet Z

CHARLIE

Most of us enjoy surprise endings. The biggest majority of us like happy endings. Some ask for it all and want happy, surprise endings.

What is a happy, surprise ending? How about an example? I suppose it could be a problem that you think you cannot overcome. You do overcome and it’s a surprise.

As the year draws to an end, I would like it to end with acceptance, beauty, ideas, kindness, justice, love, music, solutions, dancing, equality, freedom, good, vision, unity, wisdom, peace, transformation, consciousness, acceptance, respect, non-violence, harmony, and a stock of natural peanut butter in the cupboard.

RICHARD

Spoilers

There are few things worse than having the ending of a movie or a good book ruined by someone, before you’ve seen or read it. It seems some people are oblivious to the notion that we don’t want to know; whilst others take a malicious pleasure in randomly dropping spoilers into a conversation.

For me, much of the enjoyment of a story is the anticipation of what the eventual ending might be.

And that’s why I spend my days in the library, meticulously tearing the final chapters out of books.

Because, without their endings, no-one can spoil the readers’ pleasure.

LIZZIE

Up the stairs into a new time. It’ll be difficult, it’ll be difficult, I mutter. I know it well. I have climbed many of those stairs, slowly and steadily. I may stumble often, I know I will, as I always do. Sometimes, it will be my fault. Other times, well… But I keep looking at each step and climbing those stairs. I never give up. It’s not in me to give up. I would’ve done it a long time ago, I suppose. But I didn’t. And now, I keep looking up and moving forward, from one ending to another beginning.

TURA

Endings
———
It has been told how the gods created Man, when they were yet young.

Man came and passed, and his existence was the briefest, tiniest spark of light amongst everything that the gods made, each more magnificent than what came before.

But at last, the gods themselves grew old.

“All that we can do, we have done,” one lamented.

“All that can be, has been,” said another.

And so they came to an end.

* * *

“Look, how pretty!” said the little girl. She pointed to the jewel that had grown overnight on the tree.

“Yes,” said her Father. “It is perfect.”

TOM

The End in Near

Samuel Russell excelled at up-endings stuff. These up-endings tended to drill down right into the center of the time/space vortex. After his seminal work on the grand unification solution, he withdrew from the world. Some said he took up surfing, other said he enter a Tibetan Monastery, still other said he opened a hot dog stand somewhere in Strasburg. Actually he set up a tiny lab in the basement at CERN. Created a God Cloud by up-ending a matrix of Higgs boson. When the tiny galaxy took shape in the utility sink Samuel Russell slowly backed out of the room.

SERENDIPITY

Endings come in many different ways.

Some are noisy, messy affairs, full of violence and pain; some go quietly, with barely a sign another life has passed.

Some are planned and premeditated; some, unforeseen accidents and twists of fate, then there are those who simply shuffle off their mortal coil – just the natural order of things.

But we can’t have that.

A proper ending should be full of drama. It should be compelling and disturbing, an event that grabs you by the throat and screams in your face!

And that’s where I come in…

The beginning… of your end!

JEFFREY

The End
by Jeffrey Fischer

I hate endings. They are mawkish and go on too long. There’s the feeling of having overstayed one’s welcome at a party, fixing a last drink while the hostess is rinsing out the dishes. “It’s been too long.” “Oh yes, we must do this again soon.”

So I’ve short-circuited the process. When a guest becomes tedious, I operate the trap door into the soundproof cellar. Yeah, I know that only moves the problem one floor, which is why my assistant is stringing you up by the neck. Don’t worry, the fall will surely snap your neck and kill you so we can move your body out the trade entrance. After all, we don’t want our guests hanging around too long, do we?

NORVAL JOE

I don’t like change. Once I’ve gotten used to something, I want it to stay that way.

Consequently, I hate endings.

The end of relationships, the end of the school year, the end of a calendar year, the end of youth. When a child grows up and moves away, when a favored pet dies, when a family member passes away, the final episode of Phineus and Ferb. Moving to a new house, selling an old car, even replacing worn out furniture.

So, I’m a hoarder. Stacking up books I won’t reread, and piling up unused toys, dysfunctional relationships, and memories.

DUANE

Endings

The suspects had been gathered in the study and I prepared to name the guilty party and make the big arrest. I presented the clues and in a dramatic conclusion said, “Therefore the only one of you with means, motive and opportunity was… the chauffeur!”

The butler jumped to his feet. “The chauffeur? Are you kidding me?”

“But I was certain it was the gardener,” shouted the maid.

The cook stepped forward and motioned for silence. “Okay, okay. Everybody just calm down. Who picked the chauffeur in the pool?”

The chauffeur looked around the room and slowly raised his hand.

PLANET Z

The Washington Brothers broke into retirement communities and yelled that they were the Ghosts of Kwanzaa Present
The Ghosts of Kwanzaa Future would kill anyone that called the cops.
They got jewelry and cash, but not as much as they wanted.
So, they cased a drugstore, thinking they could fence some expensive prescription pills.
The robbery didn’t end well. All three, dead from police gunfire.
Mama Washington screamed racism and tried to organize a Black Lives Matter rally.
But she got her heart pills from that drugstore, and a “prescription error” landed her in a grave next to her boys.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Charlie
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Norval Joe
• Duane
• Tura
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

I want to look at the gently rippling water and believe tomorrow will be a better day. I want to be quiet and strong. I want to close my eyes and have peace inside, instead of the constant turmoil I have now. I want to believe that all the “thens” and all the “nows” are just bits and pieces of a bigger picture, and that these pieces will eventually find their rightful places. I want to smile and reach out and take a deep breath to finally find myself. I want to be a lion in a pool of quietness.

CHARLIE

I would like a couple of things for Christmas this year, and Santa can skip the next two or three if he likes. First, I would like a Krell Brain Boost, then a full day with all my pets that have been beamed up. Rosie, Katie, Pearl, Kippy, Apple and Jinx. A full day with my IQ doubled, and the ability to romp, tickle and hug all my old pets.

After Christmas, I feel I would be more able to sense and understand the subtle behavioral clues and body language of my dogs and my fellow man.

#2

I would ask Santa to do this Christmas day. All the liars in government, local and national would suddenly be smitten with burning pants. Liar, liar, all their pants on fire. If they were with others, their pants would be set ablaze at a safe distance from any innocent bystanders.

Thousands of cell phones would be available to catch the shocked politicians and the images would find their way to the “Interwebs” before they were taken down.

I might go a step further and ask Mr. Santa to include lawyers, sociopaths and those that harm animals in this universal conflagration.

RICHARD

Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas… How about a sports car, some hot girls and a gold credit card? I suggested.

I knew I stood no chance – my father was loaded, but way too tight with his riches. Everyone thinks that being the only child means you get spoiled rotten. I wish! In my case, it was quite the opposite – dad ruled with a rod of iron. Tough love, he called it.

Christmas, as expected was a big disappointment…

I mean, who in their right mind thinks gold, frankincense and bloody myrrh are acceptable gifts for their kid?

TOM

If only I believe as I had.

What I want for Christmas is something I cannot get. The problem lies in the scope. It’s not so much a thing as an outcome. And that outcome cannot be set in motion unless a serious huge number of people are inclined to act and at the same time a single man is inclined to act. You see I’m register Republican, just shy of 50 years. I have watch my party been hijacked at least five time. I have seen worst villains that Ebenezer Scrooge rise to power. So guess what I want for Christmas is my party back.

JEFFREY

Visiting Santa
by Jeffrey Fischer

The kids were lined up to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him their deepest wishes.

“I want a pony!”

“I want everybody in the world to be happy!”

“I want sinnle-payor health care.” (“Your mom told you to say that, didn’t she?” said Santa. “Get out of here.”)

Then it was Timmy’s turn. He thought for a while. “I want a launcher with a dozen rocket-propelled grenades, two AR-15s, and that bully Charlie Mason to get what he deserves.” Santa chuckled, then called the cops. Timmy is now relaxing in a psych ward, although, mysteriously, Charlie Mason fell down a set of concrete stairs and is spending the next six weeks with multiple casts.

SERENDIPITY

I’ll never forget that day: The excitement when I was led into his grotto and, there he was, just as I’d imagined him… Father Christmas himself!

He sat me on his knee, and said, “Well it looks like I have my special treat… Now, what would do YOU want for Christmas, little girl?”

I won’t tell you what he did next – I’ve never told anyone – But I’ve never enjoyed Christmas since.

But this year will be different.

You see, I’ve tracked him down, and I have a very personal gift, just for him.

And he won’t be emptying his sack, ever again.

—

NORVAL JOE

I would like to say I want something high minded and thoughtful for Christmas.
Something like world peace. Though, that would be too hard to do.
A bullet through Kim Jung Un’s head? No. That would be a little violent to honor the actual reason for Christmas.
A president who’s head isn’t stuck in his own prostate gland. That may come true if he doesn’t come up for air.
What would I want that is actually possible? How about a single night’s sleep where I’m not woken up every hour.
Yeah. That’s not going to happen.
How about world peace.

DUANE

What do you want for Christmas?

I sat on Santa’s lap and told him everything I wanted for Christmas. He nodded and said, “You’ve been a good boy this year.” “Best Christmas ever,” I shouted. Leaving the store I skipped and sang and ran right into another Santa. He was standing near a pot of money and ringing a bell. Then another Santa came by, on a fire engine, ho ho hoing and throwing candy. Two Santas were having drinks at the bar on the corner, and a Santa at the pet shop was taking pictures with dogs.

I was beginning to believe I’d been had.

PLANET Z

The local football team is playing on Christmas Day.
My wife will have to go to work s part of the news coverage.
I’ve got the day off, all to myself.
Maybe I’ll go see a movie.
And on the way home, pick up Chinese food or something.
There’s usually a place open.
Instead of calling ahead, I’ll bring a book along, and I’ll read while waiting.
When I was on my own for Thanksgiving, I went to the Irish pub and drank Guinness while waiting for takeaway pizzas.
I’m not sure which movie to see, though. Does it matter?

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Charlie
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Jeffrey
• Norval Joe
• Duane
• Tura
• Planet Z

CHARLIE

I was called into the manager’s office a few minutes before the end of the work day. When I entered the office, she gestured for me to take the chair in front of her desk. I heard a heavy click behind me as I sat down.

Ms. Dooby smiled, and handed me a thick folder. It was filled with pornography. A few seconds passed and Ms. Dooby smiled and suddenly sprung over her desk and made a clutch at my manhood.

She stood, raising her skirt, and pulling down her panties. It was the largest schwänze I had ever seen.

RICHARD

Professional Concern

I watched him in silence from my hiding place.

Don’t take me for a stalker or anything like that – call it more a case of professional concern for the welfare of one of my most important patients.

I could tell he was in a bad way: He was breathing heavily – hardly surprising for somebody so grossly obese who simply refused to slow down, even at his advanced age.

“Just stop eating all that crap?” I’d constantly warn him.

Suddenly he gasped… I saw him clutch his chest…

All that sherry and those mince pies had finally taken their inevitable toll!

LIZZIE

He clutched the key in his hand and leaned quietly against the wall.
The room was packed and everyone waited for the announcement on the radio. “And the winner is…”
A general murmur of disappointment swept through the room.
“But our town won,” someone said.
People shook their heads. Then, they looked at him.
“Yes, we did win and I have the key.” He waved for them to follow him.
The key opened the trunk with the prize. The prize was split evenly between all the families.
The organization is still wondering today what happened to the prize.

TOM

That and a redwood bumper

Gail is an aficionado of the standard transmission. It is an affect of
being a child of the 60s. The deep seeded fear one would need to add an
element of manual interaction to turn over the engine in a VW micro-bus. I
wonder if the youth of today would understand the term “Popping the
Clutch?” No matter. So the Subaru has a clutch, and over the years I have
become pretty damn good at counting to four, which is on the floor. Oddly
given the slope of our driveway the only way to pop the clutch isn’t
remotely practical.

Ain’t Disney

The long march to cheap kiddies animation produced one of the truly bazaar
sandwich cartoons. A second string work that piggy-backed on the show that
was named after the main attraction. Huckleberry hound, or The King and
Odie. Clutch Cargo used an inordinate number of still image held while its
lantern jaw hero delivered his lines. Now the weird thing going on here is
an area of the cartoon face had a human mouth superimposed on the face.
All the characters had a pair of moving lisps, cross cutting gave the
illusion of two shots. And the scissors kick running, way lame

Coming Out

Marilee Demi Waterhouse clutched her tiny purse at the cotillion. Her
best friend Betty Ann Banister holding the exact same pose and nearly
identical bag, chuckled lightly. “What,” inquired Marilee? “The depth of
redundancy is palpable.” “The whole cherry blossom theme?” “No we are
clutching clutchs.” Not to be outdone Marilee returns, “I for one am the
consummate Clutch competitor.” “And I for one am not beyond double
clutching to leave this cluster of debutantes in the dust.” With that both
women jumped up in the air slapping palms in mid-air. Eyes and heads
turned, they didn’t give a fuck.

SERENDIPITY

I carry a small clutch bag with me everywhere. It contains the essentials you’d expect: Make-up, ‘phone, tissues, nail file, lock knife, piano wire garotte and cyanide pills.

Well, maybe not that expected. I don’t suppose everyone carries razor blades with them, expressly for the purpose of inflicting physical harm to others, but each to their own.

The way I see it is that it’s always worth being prepared for any eventuality, and keeping everything close to hand makes perfect sense.

Besides, after the deed is done. The last person they’ll suspect is the girl with the dainty clutch bag!

JEFFREY

The Not-So-Mighty Casey
by Jeffrey Fischer

Mudville was disappointed when that bum Casey struck out to end the big game. Even a lousy grounder to the outfield would have tied the game. Those in the know weren’t surprised, though. They knew Casey wasn’t a clutch hitter. His heroics were largely limited to late game blowouts. Opposing pitchers, wanting to go home, threw it down the middle and Casey’s home run total ballooned, though he didn’t hit for average. But when the game was on the line, the line on Casey was unimpressive: a .202 average and around five homers a year. Almost everything else was a strikeout. Mudville may have been disappointed that day, but the professional gamblers made out like bandits betting against him. In clutch situations, Casey was as close as they had to a sure thing.

NORVAL JOE

A few years ago my daughter had me watch a bizarre cartoon called “Annoying orange”. In my opinion, the over the top humor mostly relied on facial gags to make them funny. But that wasn’t hard to do as each of the fruit in the cartoon had a human mouth and eyes to give them expression.

This seemed like a new thing for my daughter. For me it brought back memories from the 1960’s of the Clutch Cargo cartoons. They had limited quality animation and superimposed human mouths. They weren’t supposed to be scary, but they sure freaked me out.

DUANE

Clutch

It’s Christmas again and time to see the family. Walking up to the door I am in the clutches of a panic attack, like I’m five years old in the barber chair and no idea what is about to happen. My aunt is at the door to cover my face in smooches and leave half her makeup on my cheeks. Grandpa strolls by doing a round of “got your nose.” Then grandma yells “eat” and we attack the dining room. The family comes together during the feast. Afterward we lay around as grandpa talks about last years garden. Good Christmas.

TURA

Clutch
———
“They don’t make cars like they used to,” said the Morris Minor enthusiast. “They run fine if you take the effort to do things right. You don’t need synchromesh if you learn proper double declutching. All these old cars have starting handles, how else will you get started when the battery goes flat? Take it apart regularly and you’ll never have a problem you can’t fix on the road. Cars these days run ten thousand miles without a tune-up, what’s the point of that?”

Yes, I thought, they don’t make cars like they used to, and a good thing too.

PLANET Z

When it comes to easy money, drug testing isn’t really all that easy.
Drug trials can be a trial, especially when it’s something serious, like cancer or heart attacks.
Half of the subjects clutch their chests and die horrible deaths. The rest don’t even have the time to clutch their chests before they die.
I worked hard on the new medication, and the test results were the same: everybody died.
But instead of half of the test subjects clutching their chests, everyone got a peaceful look on their face and died happily.
The company sent it off for government approval.