Category: Caleb Bullen

Cool Santa

684776

Caleb ponders the true meaning of Santa.

Every year at this time on December 26th Santa has to go back into the cryogenic freezing chamber till it�s time to thaw him out to deliver the presents again. He begs and pleads to be allowed just one more day of actual life instead of the perpetual cycle of work, suspended animation, work, etc. But we have to think of the little kiddies don�t we? Sure, it�s a kind of eternal torment for him but there�s a price to pay for everything. How did you think he stayed the same age all these years, vampirism? That�s the Easter Bunny!

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 2

1026309

The stagecoach driver was insisting so vehemently to Mr. Sparks that he was due for a raise; that neither noticed anything wrong until a shot rang out and he saw two highwaymen appear out of the brush with rifles drawn.
The tall one said, “These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people’s money to settle the quarrel.” And began pocketing valuables.
That speech was all they needed to convict the flowery future president, who ceased banditry thereafter.

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 1

1090100

Abe said he was feeling ill and unable to join Mary Todd at church.
“Honey, a little religion might make you feel better”, said Mrs. Lincoln
“It will not do to investigate the subject of religion too closely, as it is apt to lead to Infidelity.”
Mary Todd, noticed what looked like Mr. Speed approaching the house furtively through the alley.
“No dear, not today it aint!” replied Mrs. Lincoln as she took her oversized family bible and slammed it between her husband’s legs.
Upon hearing the screams, Joshua Speed, decided maybe he should go to church this particular Sunday.

Vanilla

878809

It’s another twisted bit of verse from out old friend Caleb Bullen from the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast…

I’m growing bored with bondage
And sodomy’s the same
I’m not wishing for submission
That’s such a tired game.
I need to find a new kink
To keep me in the pink
Vanilla, vanilla my new kink is vanilla
From Kurachi to Manilla the brand new thing
Is vanilla
It’s the best form of rebellion
To stop being such a hellion
It has filled in all I lack
To give away my leathers black
When you’re bored with whips and being scary
Why not try it missionary
When you’re tired of dressing like a guerrilla
Try the new kink
Vanilla

Existential Ants

705156

Caleb Bullen of the Black Tie Martini Club gets metaphysical with the arthropods today…

The ant colony at the end of the driveway prayed to Billy for mercy. But Billy stomped on any ants he saw on his way to school.
The ant colony at the bus stop also prayed to Billy because he regularly dropped whatever unfinished snack he couldn’t take on the schoolbus.
One colony knew that their god loved them and regularly answered their prayers with mana from heaven while the other resigned themselves to the knowledge that Billy’s plan is mysterious and ultimately good.
When Billy went to his Uncle’s farm during Summer Vacations, both colonies felt abandoned until September.

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa

626004

Caleb Bullen of the Black Tie Martini Club has decided to use really big words to make up for not having enough to work with.

Larry bred his humuhumunukunukuapuaa up there in the frozen wastelands of Minnesota because it reminded him of home. As he watched the humuhumunukunukuapuaa go swimming by he was reminded of all the kanis and wahinis that he knew long ago on the beach at hoponaunau. He sighed to his humuhumunukunukuapuaa, because he wanted nothing more than to get back to his little grass shack in kelekakua Hawaii.
Of course he did own the most successful chain of tropical fish and pet supply companies in the greater Brainerd area. So he got back there a couple times a year at least.

How the hell he pronounces that, I have no idea, but Kolek would be proud of him, I bet.

Cat’s Game

725056

Caleb of the Black Tie Martini Club has decided to spin this little ditty during the week for your amusement…

In the fight for supremacy between the Kangaroos and the Emperor Penguins it had all come down to this one final battle. The two combatants eyed each other coolly as they took their places in the arena.
Was there really no other way? Is it fair to determine so many fates with just one Kangaroo Versus one Penguin? The air was thick with the smell of fear; or was that eucalyptus and herring breath?
An Old Russian Blue in the corner smiled sagaciously with no worries. For she knew, in a battle of tic-tac-toe, it’s nearly always a cat’s game.

Pianissimoforte

662367

And now, for the first time, a mid-week 100 word story by Caleb Bullen of the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast:

The defensive Baritone thundered at the conductor, “I can’t do this! Pianissimo is not my forte!”
The conductor countered meekly, “Of course it isn’t. Pianissimo isn’t anyone’s forte, the two words are antonyms. What you meant to say, I’m sure, is that Pianissimo is not your forte. You see, forte means loud and forte means something you’re good at”
“But I’m a trained baritone! What I’m good at is being loud! So again I say, Pianissimo is not my forte!”
The conductor swallowed two more aspirins and wished he’d listened to his parents when they suggested he become an accountant.