Back in middle school, we used Scantron cards for taking multiple choice tests.
You had to use a number two pencil to mark the boxes.
The teacher would collect up the cards, run the answer key through the machine, and then run each card.
The more answers the student got wrong, the louder the machine got, stamping the errors.
Being a smart kid, my card went through quietly.
But the dumb kids’ cards provoked angry rattles from the machine.
One kid was so dumb, the machine started to smoke, and it shook itself off of the table.
And caught fire.
Television Man
Long ago, I worked at a tv station that required every office to have a television and have it tuned to the station.
So, I had a TV put in my office, tuned it to the station, and took it apart.
The pieces were all tossed into a corner.
When the general manager came by, he said that wasn’t what he meant.
Another TV was brought in, plugged in, and turned on.
So, I turned it to face the wall, opened the case, and cut the speaker wires.
The general manager saw that, too, but gave up on the bullshit.
Beethoven’s limit
They say that Beethoven’s father would drag him to the piano to play.
And he forced the boy to play the violin for his drunken friends.
As Beethoven grew, he learned more instruments.
Until there were no more to play.
He’d get out his tools and build bizarre contraptions and hand them to his son and yell PLAY THIS!
Or while walking down the street, he would grab random things… squirrels, apples, glass pitchers, and clumps of dirt.
PLAY THIS! PLAY THIS! PLAY THIS!
Until, one day, he dropped dead.
Beethoven beat his father’s corpse like a drum and laughed.
Running towards us
They say that one day, all the dogs who have ever loved us will come running towards us in Heaven.
I loved Sparky. Such a good dog.
But after he got bit by that raccoon, he turned bad with rabies.
I saw him there in the street, foaming at the mouth.
And I knew I had to put him down.
I got my shotgun down from the rack, called to Sparky, and he came running towards me.
I never cried so much.
Maybe I’ll see Sparky in Heaven.
I hope they cure the rabies.
Or I’ll put him down again.
Weekly Challenge #849: Pops
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LISA
A Cuppa with Nanna
Nanna had said the teapot was haunted. We didn’t listen which is awful but she’d said a lot of weird stuff since pop had died.
“I won’t drink from it. He’s in there!”
“OK Nanna” I poured into a floral cup “You can read the leaves after.” I gulped the weak brew wanting it over as soon as possible. Nanna looked at the tea dregs through freshly polished glasses and dropped the cup.
“He’s left the pot.” I knew there was more to come so felt no relief. “He’s…”She faltered, raised a finger to point directly at me. “He’s in…”
RICHARD
Pop
I’ve always found it surprising that when they interview people in the vicinity, they always say ‘I heard a pop, and then people started running in panic’, or something along those lines.
It’s always a pop though. Never a bang, an explosion, or even a rat-a-tat-tat! Always, a pop.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard shots fired, of every sort, and if there’s one word that I’d never use to describe a gunshot, it’s ‘pop’.
Somehow it just sanitises the whole thing: Makes it family-friendly, almost attractive.
And just maybe, that’s precisely where we’re going wrong?
LIZZIE
The cork popped.
“It’s worth the wait,” he said.
She smiled. Yes, two centuries.
“It’ll taste sour at first.”
She smiled. She didn’t like sour.
“But the aftertaste will be sweet.”
She nodded. She didn’t like sweet either.
In fact, she didn’t like anything except the taste of hatred.
Two centuries. And here he was, oblivious that he had betrayed her many moons ago.
She had used her powers to look different, more seductive.
That green bottle was somewhat beneath her, but it would have to do.
Perhaps then she would be able to taste something again. “Pop! And cheers!”
ED
LUNCH WITH POP
“Hiya, Pop.”
“Hiya, yourself. What’re you doing here?”
“Good to see you, too, Pop. We’re going to lunch today.”
“Brunch? Little late for that.”
“That’s why we’re having lunch, Pop, a late lunch.”
“You ate lunch? Then I ask again, what’re you doing here?
“Oh, Pop, come on. Stop playing games. I know you can hear exactly what I’m saying.”
“What’s that?”
“Alright, Pop, that’s enough. Get your coat and your phone and let’s get going.”
“Where are we going?”
“Tuesdays, Pop. We’re going to Tuesdays.”
“Thought we were going today?”
“Pop!?”
“I’ll shut up and get in the car.”
SERENDIPIDY
Who doesn’t like bubble wrap?
That enormously satisfying pop as you squeeze, twist and scrunch those lovely polythene bubbles: The perfect, therapeutic, stress relief; guaranteed to ease the troubles of modern living.
Who would have thought a simple packaging product could be so beneficial to mental health?
Who doesn’t like bubble wrap?
Me, for a start!
Listening to your incessant popping, for hours on end is one of the most annoying, irritating, stress-inducing sounds that could possibly be imagined!
Pop! Pop! Pop!
Just one more, that’s all it’s going to take.
And the next pop, will be your head!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert shook his head. “I’m not sure I believe you about these Dark Knights. I mean. You said there were some in our homeroom class. They all looked like normal kids to me. How am I supposed to know who’s good and who’s bad?”
Sabrina huffed. “That’s the thing. You can’t tell good from bad.”
Billbert rolled his eyes. “So, I’m just supposed to wait for one of them to pop out from around a corner and say ‘Boo. I’m a Dark Knight’?”
“Don’t be stupid,” Sabrina said. “They’ll take control of your brain and you won’t even know it.”
PLANET Z
Pop had a way of dealing with strangers.
He’d start off all nice and smiles and welcomes.
Inviting them into the house, asking if they wanted something to drink.
And he’d listen to their sales pitch, whether it was newspapers or vacuums or Jesus they were selling.
Encyclopedias were a favorite of Pop.
We had a whole bookshelf full of them.
Just the A book, mind you. Rows and rows of the A book.
And bibles.
And newspapers and vacuum cleaners, stacked up high in the basement.
Like a maze, to the furnace, where we burned up those strangers’ bodies.
Tomorrow’s star
In Hollywood, today’s waiter can be tomorrow’s star.
The day after he won an Oscar, Bob went to his favorite restaurant.
Bob was served by Elie, who thirty years later won an Emmy.
Elie was served by Ricardo, who ten years later signed on for a top-rated sitcom that lasted eight years.
Ricardo was served by Beth, who twenty years later made it big on Broadway.
Beth was served by ZX-72, which was a robotic food service unit.
ZX-72 never made it big anywhere. Because it was a robotic food service unit, not an actor.
But it made good tips.
Intelligent life
Imperial Law is pretty clear about terraforming.
Don’t do it to inhabited worlds.
Of course, the definition of inhabited is a bit vague.
Intelligent life? Animal life? Any life at all, including viruses or bacteria?
The standards keep changing with every overcrowded and exhausted world looking for living space and resources.
Including the Galactic Empire World, which is constantly on the verge of collapse.
So, these days, the definition is simple:
Any world that can raise enough of a bribe to get itself off of the list of terraforming.
And get another less-rich world to take its place as victim.
Monoboeopoly
Nothing lasts forever.
Except for things that last forever.
You won’t last forever.
A person who plays the oboe doesn’t last forever.
Neither does the oboe they play last forever.
The chair an oboist sits in won’t last forever.
But the chair in a symphony will last forever.
And when you sponsor it, your name will last forever.
In a way, you’ll last forever.
But then, the symphony won’t last forever, will it?
Better sponsor every oboe chair in every symphony in the world.
Cover them all.
A monopoly on the oboes for all time.
A monopoboly? Monopoloboey?
Sounds cool.
In the cards
I’m waiting for the new video cards to become available.
Sure, they’re been released by the manufacturer, but everybody wants these cards.
So, anywhere they appear, they become unavailable quickly.
Bots and scalpers and resellers.
Buying all the cards up.
Some stores, they only let you buy them in person.
But they use bent and crooked methods.
Like handing out line vouchers to friends and family.
Until the factories ramp up production and the distributors meet demand, there’s no point, really.
Just wait them out… until the next generation is available.
And this shit happens all over again… and again.
Jack gets jacked
“Take care of my wife and kids.”
Jack pulled the sheet over his dead friend’s face.
And he did. He got back stateside and married the widow.
And he was a good father.
Raised the kids well.
The son, he became a real estate billionaire.
Got Jack and his mom a nice house.
Then, his mother died, left Jack alone.
But Jack found someone new. brought her down to the house.
The son was livid.
When Jack died, the son sold that house, and kicked out that second widow.
Imagine if someone had done that to his mom years ago?