Month: April 2007

You wimp!

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There’s no shame in losing.
You know you’ve tried your best, but it just wasn’t good enough.
However, there is shame in losing to a little girl.
Especially when it’s a little girl in a pink frilly dress and a sailor’s cap.
Sure, you can claim that she only dresses that way to throw off her opponents, but that’s what you said about the guy in the wheelchair, too.
The man had to speak out commands to roll his motorized chair to get his foot to kick your ass, for crying out loud.
Oh, please.
Stop crying already.
You… wimp.

Worms, dance with me!

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I dance among the worms.
They writhe and twist in the moonlight, swaying in the mist that covers the grass.
I writhe and twist with them, and the grass feels cool against my naked skin.
“Let’s go to the lake,” I tell them, and the worms writhe in agreement and we crawl across the yard to the water’s edge.
Down in to the water I go, my body fills with it. But the worms stay on the shore and wait for my return.
Down… down… down to the bottom of the lake. To the very bottom.
Where I stay.
Forever.

When life hands you masks, make masquerade

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It looks like I have rows and rows of jars of preserves in my basement, but when I turn on the light, you can clearly see the faces within.
That’s what I do: take faces. preserve the beauty for all time and unmask the true person inside.
Early in my career, my victims died. But with practice, I’ve gotten much better at it. I haven’t taken a life while taking a face for a while now, and they come off much more cleanly.
Soon, I’ll be ready to remove my own.
Midnight is coming, and all masks are coming off.

Weekly Challenge #51 – Location, Location, Location

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Welcome to the fiftieth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Manata of the Squirrel Bait, and it’s Location, Location, Location.
Ten stories were submitted this week. DOUBLE THEM DIGITS!
No rookies are in the mix… boo!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from the one we all knew and loved as Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the kickingest story for Weekly Challenge #52?
Tom of Footnote
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast
Guy David of The Sixteenth
Laieanna from Hodgepodge Point
Terrence from Never Was
Manata from Squirrel Bait
Chris from Platypus Society
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
To4m from Tom’s Podcast
Patti from SmittyGal
The Artist Formerly Known As Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
Since next week is going to be the first anniversary, a Geeklabel.com gift certificate will be tossed in to the mix. Being first sometimes helps, so this week’s vote counts a lot.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!

The full text of each story:
TOM

“Location location location” screamed the realtor
the wind ripped her words and
pulled them up the teetering bouldered cliff.
“What?” cried Brian his voice
drowned out by the pounding surf.
Weakly she extends arms pointing at
the mountain above and the ocean below.
“The subdivision is called Tsunami Estates
this doesn’t instill confidence,” yelled Brian.
“What’s in a name?” smiled the realtor.
“And the San Andreas fault line over there?”
“Dormant.”
“Brushfires?”
“Smell that ocean air.”
“See that eroding seawall.”
“Did you know this lot is directly over Sharon Stone’s hot tub?”
“SOLD”
yelled Brian dodging the cascading boulders.

CALEB

When I wake up on Saturday, the first thing I do is root around for some mail or anything with an address that can show me my location. Then I sneak out.
After a cab home and quick Keith Richards Transfusion to sober up, I sit and wait for the weekly challenge. I won’t leave that location until the weekly challenge is on my iPod.
Once it’s been downloaded, I take the bus to my special listening location, the grocery store. I just can’t shop without hearing all these wonderful stories.
When there is no weekly challenge, I go hungry.

GUY DAVID

“Rodney hated his boss, Mr. Miller. He hated his over-ironed shirt and he hated the way he would say “Real-estate, location, location, location”, meaning “buy some undisturbed part of the city and build the biggest, ugliest shopping mall on it”. Then, Rodney got fired.
Rodney got his revenge though. He forged some papers, and based on those, the company purchased some land on the name of Mr. Miller. When the big boss found out, Mr. Miller was fired immediately. After all, no-one wanted to invest in a place like Lithium, Missouri, where the sign reads population, zero.”

LAIEANNA

“Ma, I ain’t feelin’ quite right bout taken dis here land from dat city man.”
“Don’t matter no more, Pa. Man’s got his own fancy house. Ain’t no
need for this place.”
“Still not right. Down right cheap for such nice land. Gots our own
pond and everythin'”
“Dat man took our livestock fair and square and now we’re out from
under dat sinkin’ farm.”
“Funny him turning all white when our goat took a likin’ to him in the
friendly kinda manner.”
“Take that dirty talk outside! And while you’re out, fetch one of
them swamp critters for supper”

TERRENCE

Raoul followed his father and the agent into the hall. The roof
looked to be made of bone and dripped something that burned his skin.
His farther walked over the window looked out and shook his head.
The agent led them to a vast field of reeds that blew in a gentle
breeze. Again his father shook his head.
They walked on until they came to a vast cave filled with flames.
Raoul’s father reached through an opening on the far side. After a
moment, he returned with a contact signed in blood. He smiled and
said “Location, location, location.”

MANATA

You know that old cliché: “Another day, another dollar”?
Well, it certainly applies to me.
I took the first job I could get right out of college, and for the first few months I hated it with a passion. “Traveling Insurance Salesman” doesn’t sound very glamorous, I know. Especially when they transferred me to a different region.
Northern Spain? Seriously? I didn’t even know any Spanish. But, hey , it worked out great. Now I’m raking in the money and I only work one day every year: July 7th…in Pamplona.
You know that other old cliché: Location, location, location.
Andale!

CHRIS

Eight innings in, the annual Springfield Methodist Father Son Baseball game is still tied zero to zero. It’s getting very interesting though. Terry Jarvis, the Dad’s reliable lefty, just loaded the bases on three straight walks.
Who’s up next for the Son’s? None other than Terry’s boy Stephen.
Terry looks in to the catcher for the sign. Shakes off the curveball; going with the fastball. It’s slowed a bit in the later innings but his pitch location has been remarkable.
The wind up and the pitch, nailed him in the temple!
Little shit should know not to crowd the plate.

TED

I still remember being that awkward teenager, and the day my father proudly called me into his office, to discuss the birds and the bees.
“Son, Take this, put it in your wallet and keep it there. You never know when the opportunity might arise, and you’re always better safe than sorry”.
“But why?” I asked.
“Just keep it there!” he said.
I took his advice.
Don’t ever take a fathers advice. I should have known better than to listen to that fool.
17 children later, and I still have that Trojan in my wallet. A lot of good it did.

TO4M

The north American Grizzly. Not a creature to be taken lightly. Bob, Fred and Julio’s vacation expedition in the Northwest held a mix of excitement and nervousness in their pursuit of the giant beast. The plan was to approach them slowly and be as non-threatening as possible. Carelessness can get you eaten. The expedition began early in the morning and was uneventful for most of the trip. As the day progressed Bob began to doubt if this whole trip made any sense. The reality was that in terms of location the choice of downtown Seattle was indeed a poor one.

PATTI

When she entered through the double doors, the bartender knew it was 11:35. He filled a glass with ice and started pouring before she was seated at the bar.
“Vodka-tonic,” she said.
“Howzit, Nellie?” he asked.
Checking her reflection in the mirror behind the bar, she absentmindedly smoothed her eyebrows with her left ring finger.
“It goes,” she sighed.
He handed her the drink and began to make her another.
“One more, Eddie” she said after the first sip.
The bar wasn’t in the nicest part of town but the drinks were cheap and Eddie never gave her any shit.

PLANET Z

I wake up in the street, face down in a pool of blood.
Must call… must call… my cell phone, pushing buttons…. Nine… one… one…
A soothing voice over the line: “What is your location?”
The words stick in my throat. Try to choke them out, try to say “Smithlands” but all that comes out is a raspy croak.
“I’m sorry, but that is not a location I am familiar with. What is your location?”
I know I’m running out of time, but…
“What is your location?”
It’s just a recording. It can’t help me.
But it’s just… so… comforting.

Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.

Belt Tightening

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Report To Corporate: We don’t like the new General Manager you sent us.
First off, he’s not Spacer. You lied about promoting from within.
Then he says he understands the gravity of the situation, despite this manufacturing facility being in orbit and near-zero gravity.
Next, he says we need to do a little belt-tightening, despite this manufacturing facility being a protected Clothing-Optional Zone.
So, I told the Nudists Union we’re going on strike.
That’s when he asked me if I cared to step outside.
Sure. Here’s the airlock, pal.
His body can be found trailing our facility by 45 seconds.

Dumb Bunny

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There we were, trying to eat a little breakfast before the daily crucifixions, when this big white rabbit shows up.
“Hey, kids!” he shouted.
Kids? We’re Roman centurions.
He then pokes his nose into each bowl, splashing gruel all over the table. “Where’s the cereal?” he asks.
“Halt, rabbit!” growled the unit commander.
But the rabbit wouldn’t stop, and his furry feet kicked the bowls all over our uniforms.
“Where’s the Trix?” he cried.
Later that afternoon, we nailed him up with the thieves and the loudmouth carpenter.
What a silly rabbit. Didn’t he know that Trix are for Yids?

Gun Safety Lesson

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Once upon a time, there was a little boy with a very large gun.
His father always kept it in the nightstand, and it didn’t have a child safety lock.
The boy knew the gun was in there unlocked. So, standing on his very tippy toes, reaching, he got it out.
Looking over the gun, he checked to see if it was loaded.
Sure enough, it was.
And it was in his hands.
So, the little boy took the child safety lock out of the shopping bag and locked it up.
But he forgot to give his father the key.

Brush

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Mommy taught me well. I always brush my teeth before I go to bed.
Even the ones that have fallen out.
No, Mommy didn’t teach me that.
At first, I was just brushing the baby teeth in my drawer. But despite my regimen of brushing and flossing, there’s more teeth in there to brush now.
Whether in my mouth or in my drawer, thirty-two times for each tooth.
So, do you want the housekeeping job?
Yes?
Well, that’s great. You can start tomorrow.
Oh, and that thing you had asked about before – yes, we have a dental plan here.

Heart Stopper

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Would you let Dr. Odd stop your heart for a thousand dollars?
No, it’s not permanent. Just for a minute.
Then, when the minute is over, he starts it right back up.
And you get your thousand dollars.
It would be the easiest money you ever made, right?
As I lay on the table and listen to the machines, I wonder if this is the right thing to do.
Sure, I need the money, but stop my heart for a minute?
Then, it hits me.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask Dr. Odd.
He smiles and flips a switch.

Molly’s Bunnies

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Molly heard somewhere that if you play music for your plants, they’ll grow faster and larger.
So, Molly left the radio in the garden and played classical music on it.
After a few weeks, the blooms on the flowers were bigger and prettier.
However, so were the rabbits.
Molly tried to barricade the door, but she was no match for the massive bunnies as they heaved the battering ram through it.
This is where I’d like to tell you this odd tale had a happy ending.
So, I will.
(But truth be told, all we found was Molly’s bloody shoe.)