Some people have an little angel on their shoulder, whispering things in their ear.
Others have a little devil on their shoulder, whispering other things in their ear.
Sometimes, a person has both.
Me, I have Fred.
Fred sits on my shoulder and whispers things in my ear.
Fred’s kinda big, a lot bigger than an angel or a devil, so it’s hard to walk around with him up there.
“Mind getting off of my shoulder and walking?” I ask Fred. “You’re really heavy.”
He whispers in my ear. “Keep walking, pal.”
And I keep walking, as best I can.
Month: April 2022
Twelve stepladder
I put my alcohol and drugs on the top shelf in the pantry.
Higher than I can normally reach.
I need a stepstool to reach them.
But instead of a stepstool, I have a twelve-stepstool.
It’s a stepstool from a twelve-step program.
I get on the first step to be honest with myself: I have no control over my addiction.
With each step, I progress through the program.
Until I reach the top step and don’t need the alcohol and drugs anymore.
Then, I fall from the stepstool and break a hip.
And I’m back on those nasty painkillers again.
Heat and fire
The power is out and it’s getting dark soon.
I was reading a book by daylight, and at night, I’m reading it by candlelight.
It’s just light enough to write, though.
So I get out a notepad and I’m writing.
What will I write about?
Not having power? Heat? Light?
You should write about what you know, I guess.
I lay out the tealights in a row, and light them up.
Bright enough to read and write by.
I try to be careful with my bathrobe and blankets.
Because as much as I need heat, I don’t need a fire.
Weekly Challenge #834: FREE
LISA
Free
The hand painted sign outside said ‘Free Kittens’, an arrow pointed up towards a derelict looking house. Children passed by on their way to school and saw him standing upstairs, watching them through a broken pane. There were whispers and warnings in the town. Even if there really were kittens and everyone knew there weren’t, no one in their right mind would go in.
Except Lynn.
They found the body the next day hanging from a dressing gown belt. No one could know for sure if Lynn was anything to do with it. But no one mentioned seeing her visit.
LIZZIE
Bow and bow again. No end to the bowing. No end to not looking straight in his eyes. No soul. No tears. Just bow. Bow and scream inside, because you’re alive. You’re alive and he thinks you’re dead. He thinks you have lost your way. He thinks you are nobody. You belong to him. You’re dead. So, bow. Stretch your arms defiantly and bow, again and again until he understands. It’s no longer submission. It’s preparation. It’s knowing. It’s getting ready to jump and run. And when he finally figures it all out, yes… by then, you’ll be long gone.
RICHARD
Nothing
Nothing in life is free, apparently.
I decided to put it to the test.
I searched for ‘nothing’ on Amazon, but without success; so I tried Ebay, Etsy and those sites purporting to sell specialist items you can’t buy anywhere else.
But none of them had nothing on sale.
I took a trip to the nearest out of town shopping complex. In every store, they’d ask, “What are you looking for, Sir?”, “Nothing” I’d respond, and they’d walk away, shaking their heads.
I can’t confirm that nothing in life is free.
I can’t find any of the damn stuff!
SERENDIPIDY
I was feeling an urge to find inner peace and be at one with the universe, so I joined a new age retreat.
Free your mind’, they told me.
Easier said, than done.
But then I got the hang of it, and soon I could free my mind at will.
But I went too far.
My mind, once free, began to unravel and escape from the confines of my own consciousness. It grew in strength and power, reaching out to touch the minds of those around me.
And now, we’re all free.
A bunch of completely mindless, gibbering, happy idiots.
TOM
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 034
The Captain walked over to John. All eyes were transfixed on Red.
“Better set me free mate,” said the man with multiple pint glass lumps
on his head. “We will be playing nicely?” “I’ll bide my time.” The
Captain remove a dirk and cut the bounds. He rose slowly causing Ford to
swing toward the pair. John nodded wickedly. Ford just shook his head.
He and Arnesto made their way to the gangway. They had a good idea
Bender had some connection to John. Parker half way on the gangway saw
Captain and John on the move. Not good he thought.
NORVAL JOE
Saturday morning at 8:30, Billbert’s phone rang. He had thought he would have the chance to sleep in after the late night at the weather witch’s gathering. Through bleary eyes he checked caller ID. “Sabrina,” he groaned letting it go to voicemail.
A minute later, it rang again.
“Hello?” he croaked.
“Hi Billbert.” She sounded way too cheerful. “I can come by to make contact, if you’re free.”
He sighed. “I’m not free, but I am cheap.”
Sabrina sounded sufficiently confused. “What?”
“Sorry. It’s my dad’s joke. Can’t this wait until Monday at school?”
“No, silly. Daily means every day.”
PLANET Z
Sure, Lincoln freed the slaves, but did he?
Was Washington Jackson free?
He still worked on the plantation he worked on as a slave, but he was now leasing the land as a sharecropper.
He didn’t know how to read, so he couldn’t pass the test to vote.
Not that he could pay the tax.
If he went into town, he could be arrested as a vagrant and sent to a work camp to “work off his sentence.”
Where he could be whipped and even killed without consequence.
No, he wasn’t free.
And his son… and grandson wouldn’t be, either.
Transporter Accidents
Teleporters make the worst messes.
At the organic level, you can get organs out of place, vessels bursting.
At the genetic level, you can get mutants and monsters, if the person doesn’t die of cancer or some other disease.
At the molecular level, you can get a wave of organic sludge-water.
At the atomic level, you can get nuclear explosions.
Those are the worst, right?
So, my advice: keep the analysis array aligned, the power conduits monitored, the gaskets and seals firmly in place, and clear the pattern buffers after every transport.
Oh, and use a shuttle when you can.
Writer’s Block
Ted spent days banging away at his typewriter.
Ideas that had been in his mind for years were finally pouring out of him.
The writer’s block vanished, and there was no stopping him.
There was something about a typewriter than brought it out of him.
Years of using pen and paper or a word processor hadn’t produced anything, but now that he was using a typewriter, it was full steam ahead.
As he typed “THE END” he sat back, lit a cigarette, and laughed.
That’s when he realized… he hadn’t loaded any paper or ink ribbons into the damned thing.
Noise Generator
Some people leave a fan on to use as white noise to help them sleep.
Others use electronic noise generators.
Then there’s soothing soundscape streaming services that you can play on your phone.
Simulated rainstorms and thunderstorms to fall asleep to.
But recently, there’s been endless rainstorms all day long.
For days. And weeks.
And it’s hard to fall asleep to a storm when it’s always storming.
So, I ordered a noise generator that generates the sound of a sunny day.
I put it on the night stand, plugged it in, and turned it on.
And drifted off to sleep.
Camden is Missing
If you ask Siri for directions to Camden, she will ask you if you really want to go to Camden.
Go ahead. Say yes.
Siri will just ask you again.
And again.
Ask any device. You’ll get the same treatment.
Look it up in a map and you’ll find that section blank or filled with a forest or a lake or something.
Zoom in, and your system will crash.
Call technical support all you want.
They can’t help you. They won’t help you.
Do you hear strange slurping and bubbling sounds on the line.
That’s because they’re talking from Camden.
Ringtones
The first ringtone was a bell ringing.
Here and there, people made special devices to plug into the line to make different sounds, but pretty much everyone had a bell in their phone.
Then came wireless home phones and fancy novelty phones which beeped, chirped, and made other simple sounds.
So did the first cellular phones.
They evolved through simple MIDI sequences to brief low-fidelity recordings to sound clips, and eventually songs you could download and set to each of your contacts.
But never pick a song you love with all your heart.
Eventually, you’ll get sick of hearing it.
Subscriptions
I like to wear white New Balance 623 sneakers.
I use one pair to walk for exercise and one pair to wear for regular use.
When the regular use shoes lose their luster, I make those the exercise shoes and buy new regular use shoes.
And I throw out the old exercise shoes, because by then, the soles and padding are worn out.
I should get a subscription for Amazon for these shoes.
Every six months, new shoes.
There’s a knock on the door.
A kid selling newspaper subscriptions.
“Go away!” I shout. “Until you sell shoe subscriptions, not newspapers!”