Weekly Challenge #379 – Pork

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was PORK.

We’ve got stories by:

• Tom
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Munsi
• Explorer
• Singh
• Lizzie
• Tura Brezoianu
• Serendipidy Haven
• Cliff – Uncle Monster
• RedGoddess
• Zackmann
• Norval Joe
• Justin
• June Faramore
• Danny
• Planet Z

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of SPARK.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.

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TOM

A Well Defined Relationship Part Eight

Mother sat silently, hands in lap. A tall raven haired woman glided towards her. She nodded and took the seat at the opposite end of the table. In short time all but one chair was taken. All present stood when Magdalena Bowsmen made her way to the table.

The dark haired woman went about introducing each of the quests to Mrs. Bowsmen. Each was greeted with a smile of solemnity. When Mother heard her name she felt a hand reach out. “Major Parsons was indeed an excellent man. His council will be missed. Senator Smith please see to Widow Parsons.”

Mother would have rolled her eyes if she could, but years of enduring the gauntlet of social events had taught her no matter the contention at hand always project a zen mask. All the same the mere mention of Senator “Pork Barrel” Smith in close proximity to her late husband has distasteful

“Thank you Mrs. Bowsmen,” said Mother catching a peripheral glance at the honorable gentleman. The Parsons family’s wealth came from cattle and her father made sure his daughter could size up a competing bidder. The look in Senator Smith’s eyes was of a man sizing up a heifer.

JEFFREY

How the Sausage is Made
by Jeffrey Fischer

The process started out innocently enough. Senator Graft wanted a post office named for his political mentor, a six-term Congressman currently serving a 15-year sentence for bribery. “Sure, roll it into the Defense bill,” said the Majority Leader.

Next came Senator Sleaze, who wanted some federal dollars for repairing an old drive-in movie theater back in his home state. A couple of million dollars was nothing to the Farm bill, and if that’s what it took to buy Sleaze’s vote, so be it.

From there the pork kept oinking. A billion here, ten billion there, and soon they were talking about borrowing real money. Yet no one understood why Congress was so unpopular.

The Civilized Way to Resolve Disputes
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Beef brisket!” Tex said, cocking his hat and touching the top of his holster.

“Wrong! Pulled pork,” replied Sam, smoothing his mustache and giving a reassuring pat to his own revolver.

“Spice rub.”

“Sauce.”

“Wood-burning grill.” Tex was turning red with rage.

“Smoker.” Sam looked Tex in the eye, trying to maintain his breathing.

The rest of the customers in the diner looked nervous. Some had even sidled near the exits, having a fair idea of what would come next. The two combatants nodded at one another. “Draw,” said Tex.

Sam placed a plate on the table, a grilled bun heaping with pulled pork and a side of slaw. Tex whipped out a second plate with brisket on toast, with a side of beans. Each sat, tasted the other’s, and decided that the world was big enough for different types of barbecue.

RICHARD

#1 – Twilight

With the threat of night drawing ever closer, George’s positive mood began to fade as quickly as the daylight. He became acutely aware how conspicuous the noisy bulldozer was in the empty streets and he realised the slow-moving and cumbersome vehicle had its drawbacks.

He had visions of zombies overpowering him and feasting on his brain… vaguely he wondered what human flesh tasted like – was it chicken, or pork? He couldn’t remember.

He rounded another corner, where his headlights picked out a yard full of rusting shipping containers – at last, he had a perfect retreat for the night ahead.

#2 – Pork

I looked dubiously at the plate of meat, potatoes and corn and gave the waiter a questioning look – I’d learned to be wary about food during my South American journey, and although this appeared to be rather an upmarket restaurant, this was still Ecuador.

“Are you sure this is pork?”

“¡Si, señor! Eet ees peeg.” – the waiter smiled.

“Pig?”

“Si… peeg.”

I shrugged and reluctantly tucked into my meal. It didn’t taste like pork to me.

Later, leaving the restaurant, I stole a glance through the kitchen doorway: there, neatly skewered over the barbecue, were rows of roasting guinea pig.

#3 – Muppets

It always amazed me that The Muppet Show made it past the censors – if ever there was an abusive relationship and a bad example to set for kids, it was the pairing of Kermit and Miss Piggy. What chance did poor, puny Kermit stand against his domineering, violent, other half?

I shudder to think of the damage that infamous pork chop might inflict if she ever cornered him.

However, it seems Kermit had an ally…

I have it on excellent authority that the Swedish Chef was know to turn a blind eye to Kermit’s occasional misuse of the bacon slicer!

MUNSI

The Nostalgia Files: Television

By Christopher Munroe

It was a monster hit, and no mystery why.

A woman in Boulder, Colorado takes a pig, fresh from the farm, as a roommate, and hilarity ensues as it does it’s best to fit into human society. The clash of cultures was a goldmine of comedic possibility, a well that would never run dry.

Yeah…

By the third season the show had run its course, midway through the fourth it was cancelled, and most agree it should have ended two years sooner.

Still, many fans of classic TV still have a soft spot in their heart for Pork and Mindy.

EXPLORER

I Have Issues With Pork By helen r starr
I have issues with pork. Pork is not kosher; we call it treif (Non-Kosher Food). I recently had to take my mother shopping, and of all the places she needed to visit, it was Walmart.
Walmart is company based on pork, not necessarily the kind you eat, but the kind that pads their pockets. Walmart pads the pocket of other porkers, i.e., the Koch Brothers. What really irks me is how Walmart treats their employees like pigs in a trough. Walmart partnered with the International Labor Organization (ILO) to create Better Work Programs; something’s not Kosher, and I smell pork.

SINGH

(Text not available)

LIZZIE

The swineherd was tired of having to deal with the increasingly frustrating low profits. Intermediaries drove him crazy with inconceivable demands. Before, he sold everything, that’s what was good about pork, no waste. Now, only certain parts were favored. So, he decided to give away “the waste”, roasted and with a “twist”, as a personal gift to the intermediaries, who eagerly took it all. They asked what the “twist” was, but he never gave away the secret to the other tasty bits of meat in the inviting roast, especially when the headlines said “Business man of pork industry vanishes mysteriously”.

TURA

Pork
——–
Rabbi Dougal visited Rabbi Hamish. After they greeted one another, Rabbi Dougal said, “I see ye’re havin’ yer tea, Hamish? But surely that’s not bacon ye’re fryin’?

R. Hamish replied that it was kosher beef, genetically modified to taste like bacon.

R. Dougal asked, “But what if they used pig genes?”

R. Hamish argued, “They’re pig genes alright, but they didnae come from a pig. Completely artificial, same genetic sequence, but made in the laboratory!”

R. Dougal then asked, “Could ye make a whole kosher pig that way?”

At this G*d declared, “NO!”

R. Hamish responded, “Well, that’s one opinion…”

SERENDIPITY

Any devotee of TV crime dramas will tell you that pork is the nearest thing you can get to human flesh.

If you want to see realistic results from your ballistic tests; or need to know what a frenzied knife attack will do to a body, just hang a pig in the lab, and away you go!

Whilst you’re at it, throw in a few sharpened screwdrivers, power drills and blunt instruments – it’s all good, clean fun!

Personally, I find that pork is far too expensive to waste. So, I’ll be sticking to the real thing, for the time being.

CLIFF

Jimmy Ray knew barbeque. He had already spread his brand of pulled pork barbeque sandwich shops over the southern United States when he came up with the idea of a world tour. With a portable kitchen and a hundred year old recipe, he set out. In England, it flopped. In France, it fizzled. In Germany, things picked up. After all, barbeque goes very well with beer. He was an unexpectedly big hit in Bulgaria but then the whole thing came crashing down in Afghanistan. Jimmy Ray may have known barbeque but he didn’t know squat about religion or international politics.

RED

Lola revels in the chaos before work. There is a level of traffic that’s cosmopolitan, and the usual early birds are all in the streets. The toothless man who empties out the burned cigarettes from the public astray, every few seconds, he lets out a disturbing laugh and mumbles “who’s fault is it, anyway?”
An older Black woman, head wrapped in a colorful scarf, sweeping the front of the university theater. She always stares towards the marquee as if thinking, “What if?”
Lola walks by the pan handler sitting on a rusty bus bench, tapping both hands on her starved thighs, humming to herself. Lola smiles and hands her a crumpled dollar bill.
In the distance, Lola can smell the tiny shops, she sometimes stops by the meat market to buy pork for her grandmother to make a spicy stew. She can taste the stew in her mind.
As she approaches the hotel, she notices Tom, a proud grandfather of twins doing his morning stretches before his daughter drops off the kids. There are runners, cyclists, dog walkers, parents waiting for school buses and restless children chasing pigeons. She peers inside her favorite wine cellar with a fat golden cat in the display window. Lola inhales the sweet smell of fresh bread and coffee brewing from the hotel kitchen. On a day like this, she’s exactly where she belongs.

ZACK

“Looky there, I sure would like to pork that.”

‘’Sir, as your advisor I must remind you that you can never know when there might be a mic on.”

“When are you going to start dating me to save me from myself?”
“When pig fly sir, is when I will date a client. Don’t go hog wild during tonight’s event. Avoid any references to getting rid of pork. You don’t want to lose the farm vote. Do not make any allusions of putting Lipstick on a Pig because that type of relationship is still very much frowned upon in Iowa ”

NORVAL JOE

Dergle smiled across the table at Widow Finklestien and wiggled his eye brows, his mouth too full to speak.
“I’m glad you like the meatloaf,” she said, smiling shyly. “Too bad Long John doesn’t feel the same.”
It was true, while the widow’s shelty ate with abandon, Dergle’s corpulent wiener dog didn’t share her enthusiasm.
“He usually loves meatloaf. What did you put in it?”
Widow Finklestien scowled. “It’s my mother’s recipe with ground beef, veal and pork sausage.”
“Oh. That makes sense,” Dergle said. “He has a friend who’s a pig. He wont eat anything with pork in it.”

JUSTIN

What? Where am I? An, island? Nothing to be found here, I’m all alone. Maybe I should build a house. There’s a tree, I’ll punch it for some wood.

OK, got some wood, I’ll make a workbench. Now a wooden axe since that’s faster than punching to chop down more trees.

OK, got a little shed build over workbench. I’m getting hungry. I heard something. A pig! Let me, whoops, broke my last axe. I’ll punch the pig!

Better cook this meat. Punch some trees, make a pickaxe, and get some stone for a furnace.

Time for some pork chops!

JUNE

Sam liked lolling in mud.

Sam did not like waking up.

He also did not like being forced out of his pen for what the man called “exercise” and “fattening up.” They seemed exclusive. If he was to be fattened up, why did he also need to exercise?

This afternoon was different though. There had not been any slop in his trough, and the man had yet to come. Sam was confused, but the mud was helping to calm him.

He didn’t like changes in routine. He’d seen what happened to his mother when she wasn’t let into the field.

DANNY

You bet your ass war is fun, especially when your foe is suddenly vanquished by choking on a piece of pork when said foe was not even eating any food to begin with! The story comes from a contrived notion invented in the bible of all places, Wait, the spice of Lifeless? What the hell happened to the NESS! Dammit! Brilliant! You only have less than forty words until the end of this story.” “Oh go choke on a piece of pork, which he promptly did, except, his death was ruled as an accidental parsley choking. Blah, Blah, Blah, sleep.

PLANET Z

I can tell by the scent
on this wine bottle cork
That the wine you have served me
Contains feces and pork.
I don’t know why you’d offer
such a disgusting selection.
Have i done something to earn
this cruel disaffection?
Who would concoct
such a foul potion as this
That I’d sooner drink
than seek out Death’s kiss.
Did you make it yourself?
Or did you buy it online?
What kind of mad fool
Makes this kind of wine?
But if you insist
I will sip and then pass
Hold on… let me think
Pour me one more glass?