The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 42

“All I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother,” said Abraham Lincoln.
“So what advice did she give you?” asked Mary Todd.
“The last thing she said was ‘God fucks everyone up the ass with a hammer!’ really loud,” said Abe. “It makes perfect sense, too.”
“What kind of hammer?” asked Mary Todd.
“Um…” stammered Abe. “I don’t know.”
Abe spent the rest of his life shoving different hammers up his ass. Claw hammers, sledge hammers, jackhammers…
Only as he was strolling bowlegged into Ford’s Theater did he realize he should have shoved them in handle-first.