- Lizzie
- Richard
- Tom
- Tura
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
If I had a nickel for every time I back-paddled, I’d be rich, he thought. He was the kind of man who never had a clear opinion. He often used the word “potentially”. It sounded grand, but he wanted to be left alone, that’s all. The problem was that he never wished to be a CEO. He just wanted to get the money, which was very good, and paddle his boat around the lake at his mountain cottage. Work was such a waste of time. He sneered and tossed a nickel into the deep dark waters, making a wish… again.
RICHARD
Nickel
Every day it’s the same, running the gauntlet of all the hobo’s as I make my way to work.
“Can you spare a nickel, sir?”
No, absolutely not!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me if I could spare a nickel… Well, I could probably afford to spare it.
But then what?
I’d be all out of spare nickels, and the next down and out would end up doing without!
So, I’m going to save up my nickels, and if ever I happen to fall on hard times myself, I’ll have plenty going spare for myself.
TOM
Cite Your Source
If I had a nickel for every time someone misquoted H. L. Mencken I’d be
able to buy that Tesla I have been lusting after. The quote go like this:
No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the records for
years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by
underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
I know he was sort of dick in real life. Did much care for chiropractors:
quackery flourishing lushly; he wrote nearly a hundred years ago.He wrote
when a newspaper cost a nickle.
TURA
If I had a nickel for every time
———
I’ve heard all the excuses.
“Sorry I didn’t hand in my homework, the dog chewed it up.”
“…I had to go to China for my grandmother’s funeral.”
“…the computer crashed.”
“…the exercises are impossible, it’s not fair.”
“…I really tried, isn’t that worth something?”
“…a virus ate it.”
“…I was feeling a bit under the weather.”
“…I don’t want to hand in anything less than my best.”
“…I’m triggered by any sort of demand.”
“…I’m problematising the pass/fail binary”
I just tell them, “Hey, if I had a nickel for every time that’s really happened, I’d be flat broke.”
SERENDIPIDY
If I had a nickel for every time I tell my kids not to pull faces, I could afford to pay for a child minder.
Unfortunately, I’m stuck with minding them myself, and it sucks!
And now they’re at it again, pulling faces behind my back.
“Don’t do that!” I say, “if the wind changes, you’ll stay that way!”
And they did.
Although it wasn’t exactly wind.
And their faces didn’t exactly stay the same.
It was an industrial hot air paint stripper, wielded by a mother who’d completely lost her sanity.
But they didn’t pull faces again.
They couldn’t!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert grabbed the back of Sabrina’s puffy coat. “Wait. Are you saying you really are a witch?”
She shot daggers from her eyes. “I told you about that witch word. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me that…” She shook her head ruefully. “Well. I’d have a whole sack full of nickels.”
“So, it happens a lot?” Billbert asked stupidly.
She folded her arms. “Do you think it’s weird that I’m talking to you? Someone who doesn’t know me at all? It’s because everyone else, everyone who knows me, only talks to me behind my back.”
PLANET Z
I won’t bend down to pick up a penny.
I will bend down to pick up a dime.
But a nickel? Maybe.
Depends on how filthy it is.
A nickel saves you from having to carry five pennies.
And it’s good to scratch a lottery ticket.
But on its own, it’s not really worth much.
Now, if you have a lot of nickels, it’s still not worth much.
So, you can fill a thick sock with them or put them in a plastic roll.
And knock someone out.
Then, take their wallet full of tens and twenties and credit cards.