LISA
25th July 1976
I can still remember the day, I mean, I was contemplating faking my own death. I’d got chewy stuck in my hair. God knows how. I wasn’t even allowed Chewing Gum. To make things worse I’d bought it with the money for the church collection. I hadn’t gone to church. So God was after me as well as Mum and I knew my Mum would kill me. So I hid, frightened for hours. By seven I was starving so skulked home, Mum was relieved, said she thought I was dead.
She didn’t even notice the gum knotted in my hair.
LIZZIE
“I like it chewy.”
The man sitting by her side opened his eyes and sneered. “You have no teeth. How can you like it chewy?”
“I have teeth!”
“Yeah, OK, you have teeth.”
“Look.” The woman opened her mouth.
“What in the name of God is that?!”
She grinned as a set of four metal teeth slid down from inside the gum. “New thing.”
“That looks frightening.”
“But it’s very handy.” She grabbed the metal jar where a bunch of wooden spoons rested, and ripped a chunk out of it.
“Yes, handy, I bet. No more problems with cans, huh?”
RICHARD
Cordon Bleuggh!
“What do you think?” she asked as I speared a piece of something that might have been meat, and popped it into my mouth.
I gave her a look that could have been a smile or a grimace, “It doesn’t taste too bad, but it’s a little chewy.”
She looked disappointed.
“What is it?” I asked, then added, “Do I really want to know?”
“Shoe leather, and wood shavings” she muttered, then defiantly: “But I marinaded it for over a week!”
Manfully, I knuckled down to finish my meal.
My fault… I married her for her looks, not kitchen skills!
SERENDIPIDY
I’ve heard many objections to cannibalism.
Apparently, eating human flesh is morally wrong, bad for the health and a primitive custom with no place in modern society.
They also ask me why, if it tastes like chicken, don’t I simply eat chicken?
They’re wrong, of course… It tastes more like pork, and let’s be fair, everyone loves a bit of crispy bacon!
Although, I do have one objection of my own: People tend to be a bit chewy.
Then someone told me I should take the wrapper off first.
So, now I skin them, and they’re tender as can be!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert lay back in his bed with his phone to his ear. “Okay, Sabrina. If we have to meet, come by later this morning. Right now I’m going back to sleep.”
Before Billbert could power off the phone, Sabrina said, “Wait. I’m outside on the front porch right now?”
“Come back later,” Billbert growled, shut off the phone, and pulled his pillow over his head.
A moment later Billbert’s mother opened his bedroom door. “Billbert, dear. You have a visitor.”
Sabrina stepped into the room. “I brought you some left over caramel corn. It’s a bit chewy, but still tasty.”
PLANET Z
I like Rice Krispies Treats.
If you mix them right, they become chewy, and they flex and tear apart with the heat in your fingers.
If you mix them wrong, they’ll become solid bricks or brittle blocks.
Or mushy gooey blobs which stick to their wrappers.
You can try to bake them more, but they’ll become solid bricks.
Or burn.
What’s my secret? Why are mine always perfect?
I buy them prepackaged from Kellogg’s.
Then I unwrap them and put them out on the tray.
They’re so much better than those Chips Ahoy cookies you pass off as your own.