LISA
The Hair and the Tortoise
I’ve got a three year old, it makes me not question anything… like yesterday I went into the bathroom and they’ve hacked their own hair off then glued it to the toilet seat next to our pet tortoise, Rex.
Anyway, I started trying to pick the hair off and predictably Rex slipped in. Toddler then runs over and pulls the flush. And Rex has gone, like completely GONE. I know I should’ve taken Rex off first, but I don’t like touching Rex. Didn’t like touching Rex. The hairy glue won’t come of the toilet seat either. Fuck my actual life.
An old postcard
LIZZIE
“Grab your passport and run.” Good advice from the boss.
When his underboss took me to the airplane, I looked unsure. I was the only passenger and I seemed frightened. He nodded. I grabbed my notepad and showed him my notes. “I’m just a journalist.” He nodded some more.
When he grabbed his gun, I smiled. He was confused. I clicked the button and the plane exploded, underboss included.
I’m not sure why I needed the passport, but who am I to question the boss. After all, whatever he decided was the speediest way of getting your life significantly shortened.
RICHARD
Edward
Edward wasn’t the speediest runner in the world. To be fair to him, tortoises aren’t generally regarded as sprinters, but that never stopped him from competing – he was stubborn like that.
Of course, people laughed at him, but he didn’t care, for him it was all about the taking part, not the winning.
Although, winning – now and again – would be nice.
Edward wasn’t nice.
Which is how he came to be grinding up drugs into the hare’s energy drink on race day.
Didn’t work though.
If you’re going to try doping your opponents, speed isn’t the best drug of choice!
SERENDIPIDY
The famous hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, was renowned for the rapidity with which he despatched his clients. The speedier the execution, the better the outcome; at least, that was his approach.
It’s not for me.
I want to see you dangling and choking, your body twitching, whilst your breath wheezes painfully as the noose slowly constricts.
Not for me, the quick snap of the neck, as you drop from the optimum height. Instead, I’ll haul you into position, your own body weight throttling the life from you as you’re eased up from the floor.
You’ll still die.
But, slowly and painfully.
NORVAL JOE
If Sabrina’s outright lie offended Linoliamanda, she didn’t show it, and rejoined Billbert and the witch, following them to class.
Uncomfortable with Sabrina’s deception, Billbert tried to lighten the situation by asking, “What are you doing in Eureka, Linoliamanda?”
She smiled. “Daddy wanted to open a new location of Carpet King.” In the speediest change of subject Billbert had ever seen, Linoliamnda continued, “Sabrina. You know Billbert can fly, don’t you?”
Sabrina shrugged. “I know when we touch our magic makes us levitate, but I wouldn’t call it flying.”
Linoliamanda shook her head. “It’s not magic. He can really fly.”
PLANET Z
The secret police are everywhere.
They are behind every door and every wall.
They are upstairs, listening to the floor.
They are downstairs, listening to the ceiling.
They are at every window, looking in and watching.
If you ask them if they are the secret police, they will deny it.
They will claim to be neighbors, deliverymen, plumbers, and pretty much everything but the secret police.
“I’m dressed as a policeman,” says one. “That’s silly, isn’t it, being the secret police and dressed like police?”
He’s right. It is silly.
And he nods and speaks into his cuff: “All clear.”