RICHARD
Like Father, like son?
Dad used to turn down the thermostat at every opportunity. He’d constantly take me to task about leaving lights on, and he’d invariably shout “Shut that door! Were you born in a barn?” whenever I walked into a room.
It was only many years later I discovered I was indeed born in a barn, and that the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which were supposed to be for my benefit – and which would have more than covered our heating and lighting costs for years to come – he’d spent on hookers and gambling.
Turns out, he wasn’t my dad, either!
TOM
ABC-s
My best friend has always been a prodigy. He was able to do his ABC-s when he was five years old. Like the old masters of old he amazed his teachers with his internal logic. He also had the strength of conviction to adamantly defend his point of view. It is hard to dispute the precision of the ABC song. A totem embedded in out learning DNA. The 12th letter of the alphabet is actually l-m-n-o-p. In meter and form its lmnop. Oddly modern English usage fails to embrace lmnop. In the vernacular we have Look Man, Not Our Problem.
SERENDIPIDY
It turns out, the painting I scrawled over with magic markers was an old master, worth a fortune, and now ruined.
How was I to know?
I was just a kid, barely able to master my ABC, and to me it was simply a pretty picture, something to play with and keep myself amused.
My parents certainly were not amused when they found out. They locked me up in the cellar, and that’s where they’ve kept me, ever since.
One day, I’ll escape, and when I do…
Well, you can probably guess!
Or, perhaps I should paint you a picture?
LIZZIE
The sign said Pirate Parking Only. If you weren’t a pirate, you’d be scuttled away at your own expenses. Diddums!
OK, fair enough, thought the Captain of the pirate ship.
But the truth was that he had to prove his pirate status.
He took the opportunity and started bragging.
Oh, we looted a Spanish galleon. Prove it. OK, we have these jewels of the Spanish Crown. Prove they’re not forgeries. They’re not forgeries! Prove it.
Infuriated, the Captain said “You, son of a biscuit eater!”, but the result was only laughter. He would definitely have to work on his insults.
NORVAL JOE
The old man at the steering wheel glanced at the teenagers. “They’re not with me. I’m just cooling down my engine. I think my thermostat is broke.”
The cop took this opportunity to question the youths. “Is that true, or do you know this man?”
The foremost of the six teenagers frowned as if challenged by the question. “Um. He looks like our guild sponsor, Clarence Diddums. And we did get out of this van.”
Startled, Billbert asked, “Do you admit you’re members of the Guild of the Black Knights?”
With everyone distracted, Clarence started the van and sped away.
PLANET Z
We signed up for one of those reduced cost electric plans.
The company installed a free smart thermostat and free smart plugs in our house.
And gave us a big rebate to upgrade our water heater and climate control system for more efficient hardware.
We can monitor and control everything in the house now.
But so can the electric company.
On hot days, when the grid is overloaded, they raise the thermostat so it’s hot and sweaty inside.
And on cold days, when the grid is overloaded, they lower the thermostat so it’s chilly inside.
And raise the rates more.