Dear Loyal Customer,
We regret to inform you that the licensed mumbo-jumbo provider at your local eternal life exchange performed improper service maintenance for the past 20 years.
New equipment and training have been dispatched. Please make an appointment with your nearest jiffy-prayer center to have the correct voodoo performed on your child, self, or parent.
Sadly, should the recipient of incorrect service maintenance have expired, they’re now in eternal damnation. Fill out the attached Form RMA-666 to escalate this issue with our upper management.
Thank you, The Church.
PS: At least the dude didn’t molest the kids… we think.