Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.
This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Eighty-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was Mustache
And we’ve got stories by:
Thomas
Tom
Chris Munroe
Paladin
Zackmann
Steven the Nuclear Man
Danny
Norval Joe
TJ
Planet Z
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
Thomas
She had a beautiful set of mustaches. Many considered her facial décor off-putting, but she had such gorgeous features and long, auburn hair. When she was a teen, she used peroxide to hide the black hairs that had just begun to peek out of her upper lip. One day, in her haste to catch the school bus, she used too much peroxide and burned her lip. She vowed that she would never do it again, and in spite of what her parents and teachers said, she groomed her beautiful mustaches, combed them and waxed them. The boys were envious.
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The mustache was very unhappy. Hosted on the grisly face of a man that submerged it in a mug of warm beer on so many occasions, and suffering the indignity of ignored, crusty secretions that were so common during the cold, winter months. Worse, the hours following a bout of vigorous lovemaking with his obese girlfriend. The mustache vowed to do something to escape captivity. Each morning, when the mustached man awoke, he discovered his mustache growing, and growing thicker and darker on a different part of his face. Sometimes, under his lip, sometimes in the middle of his forehead.
Tom
You might find this hard to believe but I was born with a mustache. Not some glorified milk-mark, we’re talking major growth. Some folk got a photo of themselves buck naked on a rug, I got a waxed hand-bar. The nuns wanted me to shave it off in second grade, but my parents doubled the tuition payment, got to be a Wiseman that year. In 8th grade I grew a beard and played Jesus in the passion play. Last year the chemo cleared all the hair off my head, the mustache was having none of that fuck you very much
Chris Munroe
Five days into growing a moustache I looked like a pedophile. I’ll own that.
The percentage of people who actually suit one, after all, is frighteningly small. Still, I commit to what I do, so the ‘stache was staying.
Until you got me drunk, waited for me to pass out and shaved it.
The next day, I faced my still-moustachioed friends, clean-shaven.
Humiliated.
You thought I’d forgive this betrayal.
I’ll never forgive. Nor will I forget.
I’ll always remember, the fifth of Movember. The moustaches, treason and plot. I see no good reason moustaches and treason should ever be forgot.
Paladin
Frost gathered on his mustache as it often did this time of year. It wasn’t quite cold enough for snow, but plenty enough for his breath to make phantoms in the night air. As usual, the stark autumn chill did little to keep the streets clear this night. The next wave approached. Searching flashlights preceeced the semi-ordered mob, advancing upon his position in a vague formation as he pulled his mask down into place, grinning beneath it. They fanned out as they approached his position, shouting their mighty battle cry in unison: “Trick or treat!”
Zackmann
Snidely, that you?
That is Reverend Whiplash now.
So how are Dudley and Nell Fenwich?
Sad story. Nell ran away south of the border with Horse and they were married in Florida. They got caught up in a big legal battle to stay married when Florida law changed. They are celebrating their marriage three times a night which would be good if not that they were doing it on stage in a bar in Mexico to pay court costs and send money to Nell’s grandparents who live on a ranch in Alberta and take care of their three centaur children.
zackmann
Is that a paper-doll book? I haven’t seen one of those since we cleaned grandmas attic.
Oh yes, it’s The Fump I Want to Be Weird Al Choose Your Own Adventure book. Although Lawrence Simon is not a fumper the first doll is him, a fan service. Due to the success of his punch out paper mustaches book the company decided to try the paper-dolls. Do you think Shoe box looks better with the mullet or Absalom length hair? How does Carla look with Devo’s beard and Glasses? If enough sell they will introduce lesser know musicians like The Beatles.
Steven the Nuclear Man
I put my arm around the girl’s shoulder, guide her toward the funhouse door.
“Daddy, I’m not sure-”
“It’s fine, pumpkin.” The endearment is ash in my mouth. “Nothing bad can happen to you in there,” I lie.
“Mommy hasn’t come out yet- ”
I bite the words off. “It’s fine.”
“Daddy, you’re acting funny, like that Star Trek episode where they came from a para… para…”
“One, please,” I shout to the figure at the funhouse door and push the girl toward him.
She goes to her doom, and I rub my newly-bare chin, thankful this dimension invented razors.
Danny
I put on my Groucho Marx Mustache, Nose, and Glasses, expecting to get a big laugh out of all my friends at the World Builders association over on Flying Island during our Evening Hunt. Then I noticed someone had filled the moustache with rancid mustard. I tried to pound it out, but ended up with a fist full of mustard. Dammit! Then it started to pour rain, why am I working outside? If I only had a hammer. Then a Wise Man walked by with his large umbrella, stating, “Hey, I didn’t become a wise man dealing with your silly problems, I’ll keep on walking.”
Norval Joe
Hosmer sat silently on the third row of the chapel as the minister asked, “If there are any here, speak now”. But it was already too late.
Tears rolled off his cheeks and dripped from his wordless lips as his true love said, “I do.”
He’d sneezed and sent his fake mustache flying over the heads of the guests.
It was fake and everyone knew. He had a different one for every occasion. Broad and dashing for romance, thick and bushy for confidence, narrow and black for dominance.
What no one knew, was, without it, he couldn’t speak a word.
TJ
I should’ve expected this sort of thing. I mean, I know my aversion to
long-distance relationships is grounded in legitimate objections. It
encourages idealistic fantasies, glosses over too many realities and in
the end, I’m stuck here so if she can’t move then what’s the
point? That said… OK, case in point. beep Amy, 49, is a medical
transcriptionist. She matched you on 11 of 27 eMusicalChairs.com
criteria – less than half, charming – including breathing carbon
based life form, music, humor, pets, birth order, favorite shade of
green and mustache. I don’t really want them matching me on facial
hair, thanks.
Planet Z
I’ve written a draft of a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, where you pick how the story progresses based on your choices.
The lead character is a spy who uses a bunch of high-tech disguise mustaches to choose from.
A lockpick mustache.
A laser mustache.
A boomerang mustache.
A mustache that becomes an infalatable raft.
And so on.
The best part about this book is that it’ll come with stick-on mustaches the kid can put on when the character switches mustaches.
It won’t get published, though. They say it discriminates against girls.
I call bullshit. You should see my Grandmother.