Llama

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I’ve read this three times and listened three times three times. Can you explain this one by Jim S. the Folderman to me?

The crime of unnatural acts of perversion was no laughing matter. In fact, it was a very serious accusation and I had no idea how I was going to spin this in my client’s favor.
It would take a minor miracle to convince anyone that he had even meant well, much less that he was innocent. However, since it was my duty and I was now forced to make a speech in front of the space station’s inhabitants, I’d do the best I could.
Now, if I could just get the llama out of the briefing room, I’d get started.

They changed the stars

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Josie watched in horror as the stars moved around in the night sky.
They swirled and whirled around for a few seconds before spreading back out again.
Up there, for all to see, was a message:
“DEAR FRED,
YOU SUCK.
SIGNED,
MISSY.”
The stars stayed like that for a minute, then they swirled and whirled around again until they returned to their original positions in the heavens.
Josie’s phone rang. She almost missed the call.
“Did you see that?” asked Sheldon.
“Yes,” said Josie. “I wonder if Fred saw it.”
“Who’s Fred?” asked Sheldon.
“I dunno,” said Josie. “Ask Missy.”

Catholics

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes a look at some folks who bow towards a museum district in Rome…

Catholics, like the Muslims, are now whingeing about something they are offended by. Of course, like with those cartoons, I have no sympathy for anyone offended by the DaVinci Code. I consider it karmic payback for all those persecuted by the Catholics over the last 2000+ years. Who am I talking about: Gnostics, Jews, Cathars, Barbars, Pagans, women, Protestants and Holocaust victims. Rome’s handling of Priests who used their flock as a harem for young boys to molest. Lets hope all the whingeing drives loads of people to see this movie. Beats killing em’ all; like the Muzzies would do.

Web Of Lies

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Remember Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web and how she loved that pig so much, writing things in the web to keep the farmer from killing him.
What if she hated the pig? Really hated the pig?
I think she’d have written things in her web like UGLY and STUPID and DIE DIE DIE instead of the nice things she wrote.
But then, now that I think of it, she might have also written TASTY and DELICIOUS and even a recipe for pork chops.
As I look at this spider in my hand, I stop and wonder.
And I let it go.

Billboard

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Jim S. the Folderman returns!

“He’s a very articulate black man”
A series of billboards with that phrase were situated throughout Rhode Island a while ago. The word “black” was crossed-out with a big red X, so that it really read, “He’s a very articulate man.”
These billboards left quite the impression on me because the statement makes perfect sense. The irritating habit of the media and most individuals is to use the first phrase and think that it matters.
Read both phrases and tell me honestly that the first one is any more relevant to a conversation than the other.
You would be wrong.

Jonah

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Looking back, I guess it’s a bit disappointing that man never invented a faster than light star drive.
The Jonah, on the other hand, was just sitting there on Io, waiting for God knows how long.
It took a few years, but we eventually figured out how to use it. Even managed to make functional copies of it.
But we still haven’t figured out how it works or why it works. We just make it work.
That’s good enough for me, I think as I step into the space-whale’s mouth.
Take me to the Heavens. I’m late for a meeting.

Ozzy

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Unlike Ozzy, you can actually understand Andrew Ian Dodge when he talks…

After all the stuff I have done about footballers and their proclivities with/without phones I thought I would change tack a bit and do a piece about Ozzy. The Sun reports that he can’t get wood anymore thanks to the drugs he is on to keep him on an even keel. Course all the booze and other drugs he has shoved into his body probably have not helped stiffy matters either. You could argue that living with his daughter Kelly would convince anyone to stop shagging. Even the remote possibility of having another child like her would make anyone limp.

Phone Tap

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Andrew Ian Dodge talks about phone taps today:

You are discussing the legality of phone-tap evidence with the Attorney General UK so what do you do? Why you tape the conversation and not bother telling the AG you’re taping him. Of course this is not terribly surprising considering Sir Ian Blair’s past behaviour; after all this is the bloke that wondered aloud why the press was making such a fuss about the Soham murders. This was the case of several young girls being murdered. One does have wonder if this nitwit has the sense to be head of the largest and most important Police Force in the country.

Let my people go

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Moses felt his heart lurch as he watched Pharaoh carry his lifeless son to Anubis’ statue.
“Will you let my people go now?” asked Moses.
“No,” said Pharaoh.
“No?” asked Moses. “But…your son…”
“He was my eldest, sure,” said Pharaoh. “But I have dozens more, just as ready to take my throne. Insurance against assassination, or enemy gods.”
Moses’ heart sank, and he returned to his people.
“Did it work?” asked Herschel.
“No,” said Moses.
The community agreed. “We need more plagues,” said Herschel.
It took sixteen more to convince Pharaoh.
They edited those out of The Bible, of course.

Nanny

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Just as Nanny raised me, she raised you. And just as she raised you, she will raise your daughter.
Nanny has raised the children in our family for five centuries now.
Why would you refuse Nanny’s services? After all, part of her regimen is to instill the simple truth that Nanny must raise all generations of our family.
It has always been that way. It always will.
Why you would rebel against this simple thing can mean only one thing: you are not actually my daughter.
Tell me what you did with her, and I promise you won’t suffer much.