Two Loves

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Walter had two childhood loves: singing waiters and rollerskating waitresses.
When he grew up, he wanted nothing more than a restaurant that had both.
So, after lying to the bank about the true nature of his dream-restaurant, he bought all the kitchen and wireless microphone equipment he needed, laid out the tables around a roller-derby track, and went on a hiring spree.
Now it’s one thing to hire singers, rollerskaters, and waiters. But it’s another thing entirely looking for all three on the same resume.
A few broken bones and stained uniforms later, Walter gave up.
He sold pizza instead.

Intent

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Andrew Ian Dodge wants to know your intentions…

That you are evil or devout matters not a jot to me. Because what you are trying to do concerns me greatly. No respect for freedoms or others that is for sure; none but your god. Other cultures or traditions do not move your sort. Because you believe only you and yours are devout enough and true. You see offence at every turn; using it as an excuse to do harm and kill. But you forget one thing, you followers of Allah, freedom will win through. When we cry freedom its not just an act; it’s a statement of intent.

Cry freedom… isn’t that a song by Growing Old Disgracefully? Check the links under the squiggly Cthulhu thing for more.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 53

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Abraham Lincoln may had a reputation as a rail-splitter, but he was also a notorious riverboat gambler.
His brilliant mind could count any number of decks, and he read the tells of his opponents like he was reading a book.
He also used his long limbs to his advantage, concealing a volume of cards up his massive sleeves.
There were two problems with his riverboat gambler career:

  • Springfield was far from any major rivers.
  • Abe tended to get shot a lot.

Perhaps it was that second problem that made him a little cocky when it came to John Wilkes Booth.

Hill

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Andrew Ian Dodge tells a tale about Gilbert…

Gilbert was content with his lot in life; sitting in his bungalow on the edge of Brecon Beacons. His colleagues thought he was nuts to retire at 45 and move to rural Wales. They thought it odd that, unlike most seismologists, he chose to retire away from fault-lines. Gilbert on the other hand knew exactly what he was doing. He, as was the previous occupant of the house, was the watcher of the hills. He was the first line of defence should any thing wake and try to come out this way. Gilbert smiled as he peered towards his hills.

I always wonder why some guys call themselves Gil, others Gilbert, and yet more call themselves Bert. Odd, eh?

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 52

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At first, Abraham Lincoln believed that a friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
However, he first had to determine who his enemies were.
Abe took out a clipboard drew up a list.
It was a very long list. Lots of names on it.
His wife Mary Todd looked at the list, laughed, and then added a few names to it.
“Surely, not Tad?” said Abe. “My own son?”
Mary Todd nodded and pointed at the stairs where Tad was trying to light a fuse on a stick of dynamite.
Abe grounded him for three weeks.

Britislam

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes a closer look at a poll of British Muslims…

Despite the fact 90% of British Muslims feel loyal to Britain, 40% of Muslims wish to overthrow the state and replace it with a theocratic Muslim dictatorship. A “fifth-column” within the UK as it were.
Not at all reassuring is the fact that 20% in this poll felt sympathy with the “feelings & motives” of 7/7. If one adds to these statistics, the weekly protests in London over the Danish cartoons and free speech, the average British citizen can and probably does feel threatened.
One can only guess what the impact of such revelations will have on the British psyche.

I get the distinct feeling that the restrictive handgun laws will be scruitinized over the next few years.

Another phone story

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Andrew Ian Dodge keeps up the phone stories…

This week has been a fairly tough one for football fans. First they have found out that not all footballers are the butch macho guys they idolised or lusted after; in the case of women. Now they find out that Wembley stadium, the “home” of football, will not be ready in time for its planned opening in three month’s time for the FA Cup final. The fact footie fans will have to schlep all the way to Cardiff won’t go down well. Those involved claim it will be done this year but can’t promise exactly when. Aw, what a shame!

I’m so spooked, I’m not even touching my own cell phone now.

Good morning, sunshine

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Scientists have yet to explain why the sun had a big smiley face on it yesterday.
Despite warnings telling people not to look directly at it, many people still tried. Lots of cases of blindness in the hospitals today.
Never mind the people medicated to the gills and strapped to their beds, completely freaked out at the idea that the sun had a smiley face on it.
There’s no smiley sun today. No sun at all, in fact.
By my watch, it’s already two hours late.
Perhaps if we all smile, it will show up before we freeze to death?

Phone

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Andrew Ian Dodge reaches out and… um… right.

Through all the rioting in the Muslim world and the Avian flu panic some may have missed the News of the Screws’ latest exclusive. Well, it seems that not all Premiership Footballers are totally straight. Not only are some willing to give each other head when drunk; at least one has come up with a novel use for the new slim-line mobile. As far as I understand you shove your phone somewhere stimulating down below and your mates call you repeatedly until you pop off. Might I suggest you don’t borrow a Premiership footballer’s phone… you never know where its been.

That’s one person I won’t have on speed-dial.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 51

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You know, back in Abraham Lincoln’s day, Vice Presidents went out hunting, too.
Hannibal Hamlin was well-known for going back to his home state of Maine to hunt wild bear. Or he’d hunt wild eagle. However, every now and then he’d blast a lawyer or two to Kingdom Come.
Back then, vice presidents could easy cover up such hunting accidents. It wasn’t like there were all that many reporters following them around, clacking away at telegraph actuators with really long wires on them.
And, failing full secrecy, one could easily just blow away the reporters.
Tempting, even to this day.