Tag: silly

And baby makes… um… three?

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Alberto was the first guy to admit he wasn’t good at math.
Jenny, on the other hand, refused to admit it.
At first, they tried to bribe her with candy to get her to admit she wasn’t good at math. But Jenny would have none of that. She insisted she was good at math.
Before they could finish with Jenny, she got knocked up. Seems that she and Alberto used the rhythm method and… well, you know where this is going. Carry the three and… whoops!
They’ve got three or four kids now. Maybe five. Depends on who you ask.

Argentina

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I told Argentina not to cry for me, but Argentina cries so easily.
Argentina cries during sad movies.
Argentina cries when it stubs its toe.
Argentina cries when it might rain.
Before, it was cute. But now, I’m sick and tired of Argentina crying.
People are staring to stare. They think it’s because of something I’ve done, but it’s really all in Argentina’s head.
“You’re leaving me!” cries Argentina.
“No, I’m just going to the store for some wine,” I say. “Would you like to come along?”
Argentina then cries some more.
I knew I should have stuck with Bolivia.

Exploration

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Tina sat on her towel and watched the galleons at anchor.
One lowered a rowboat to the water, and it approached the beach rapidly.
An explorer stepped from the boat, knelt in prayer, and then stuck his flag in the beach to claim it in the name of some queen or another.
“I’m, sorry, but this beach is already claimed,” said Tina.
“How about over there?” asked the explorer, pointing to the South.
“That one’s claimed, too,” said Tina. “Would you like some sandwiches?”
The explorer shook his head, got back into the boat, and rowed out to his galleon.

Not Quite Columbus’ Day

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You know the story: Columbus sailed the ocean blue and arrived in America with three ships: the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, right?
What the story leaves out is that he left Spain with hundreds of ships, arriving with only those three.
Where did the rest go?
Well, Ferdinand and Isabella gave him so much money, Columbus could afford a massive armada. He bought so many boats, he would walk from Spain to America on the decks of his ships lined up in a row.
He was also a gambler. Lost all but three of them in cards.

Green Monster

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The Yankees versus the Red Sox. What a classic matchup.
The big green monster was messing with left fielders tonight, too.
What? No… no, they were playing in Yankee stadium, not Fenway.
Oh, I’m talking about an actual big green monster. It was from outer space or some science lab.
Thing showed up, dropped over the fence, and started messing with the left fielder.
Cops tried to shoo it towards the dugout, but it messed with the cops, too.
Nobody messes with New York cops. They shot the crap out of it.
I think it’s in the hot dogs.
Mustard?

Piggy Wings

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Smith smiled and put his research paper on the pile.
“So, you grew a flying pig,” said Zambosio. “Good work, Smith.”
Smith opened the paper and pointed to a chart. “Actually, it’s just growing wings on pigs.”
“So they can’t fly?” asked Zambosio.
“No,” said Smith.
“Still,” said Zambosio, “growing a pair of wings on a pig still takes a lot of effort.”
“Actually, it’s just one wing per pig,” said Smith.
Zambosio took off his glasses. “What good is just one wing on a pig?”
“They’re quite delicious,” said Smith.
“At least pigs are tamer than buffalo,” said Zambosio.

Chew Bubblegum

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“I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum,” said the hero. “And I’m all out of bubblegum.”
The villain checked his pockets.
“I think I have some bubblegum,” he said.
“What?” asked the hero.
“I have some gum,” said the villain, holding out a pack. “Strawberry flavor?”
“I like strawberry,” said the hero.
The villain handed the hero a piece.
“Thank you,” said the hero, sticking it in his mouth. “That’s nice of you.”
He chewed it, blew a bubble, and fell over dead.
The villain laughed his best laugh, then stopped when he realized nobody could hear him.

For my wewewedding

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Sarah and Jake stuttered badly, so they found a stuttering priest for their wedding.
Cute, right?
Not exactly.
The ceremony was five hours long. Two bridesmaids and a groomsman fainted from the heat.
After careful review of the videotape, we believe the happy couple were actually married to each other. Or the father of the bride to his daughter. We do know for a fact that the Maid Of Honor ended up married to the six year-old ring bearer and the ushers married to each other.
As for the vows, we have no freaking idea what they promised each other.

Two Knights

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Two knights lay in a pile of wrecked armor, shattered lances, and bent swords.
“Yield?” wheezed Sir Humphreys.
“Never,” coughed Sir Boltac.
Boltac looked around for a weapon to use, but they were all damaged.
“We could use fists,” suggested Humphreys.
“Fists are for knaves,” said Boltac. “We are men of honor.”
Humprheys agreed, and winced as he tried to get up.
“We must settle this somehow,” moaned Humphreys.
“Thumbwrestling honorable enough?” asked Boltac.
“Sure,” said Humphreys. “En garde!”
Dusk came, and two knights lay in a pile of wrecked armor, shattered lances, and bent swords, nursing their broken thumbs.

The Infrared Baron

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“Can we improve upon the glorious The Red Baron?” growled Hitler to Göring,
Two weeks later, Göring’s scientists invented infra-red paint. Planes painted with it were totally invisible.
The next day, Hitler wanted a demonstration.
“A glorious day for the Reich,” he said. “I wish to see this invisible plane.”
A scientist whispered in Göring’s ear.
“What do you mean you can’t find it?” Göring hissed.
“Problem?” asked Hitler.
“The plane… just took off, fuhrer!” exclaimed Göring.
“Took off?” asked Hitler. “But I heard nothing.”
“Well…”
“Invisible and silent?” said Hitler. “Brilliant! The English will never know what hit them!”