The company I work for provides a catered lunch every day.
I thought this would impact my productivity, because the lunch selections are heavy fare and cause the staff to fall into “post-lunch comas.”
“Not so,” says management. “This is a deliberate strategy. You see, before we provided lunch, employees had been making their dumbest mistakes around noon. Now, by us providing a heavy lunch, everybody ends up in a groggy state together. Instead of making dumb mistakes, employees nap. Then, once they wake up from their stupor, they’re good to go.”
And all ready to make smart mistakes.
Tag: food
Boiling Point
An old saying goes that to boil a frog, you need to put the frog in the pot and then turn the heat up slowly. Otherwise, the frog will feel the boiling water and leap out.
This is stupid.
Whenever I boil a frog, I throw it in the pot of boiling water with one hand and slam the lid down with the other hand.
Or, I’ll whack the frog against the countertop to stun it before throwing it into the pot.
If those two methods don’t work, I’ll just play my Titanic DVD so it will jump in willingly.
Ramen
College costs a fortune.
My student job doesn’t pay very much, but it helps.
So, I end up eating a lot of those awful ramen noodles.
They’re totally disgusting, but it’s either them, or no school.
I can’t afford the dorms, so I live in a hut made from noodles.
Clothes? Goodwill won’t sell to a college student like me.
Yep. I wear ramen noodles.
Pretty much my whole life is noodles.
But when I graduate, I plan on never eating or wearing them again.
I will invent a new cheap food. And become filthy, stinking rich.
Until then… noodles.
Gastronomical Orchestra
Laying back after an exceptional meal, I listened to the squelches and squishes inside my belly.
The more unusual the meal, the more unusual the sounds.
So, I went on an epicurean adventure, seeking out incredible unusual foods to construct melodies, harmonies, choruses… I recorded them all and mixed them together into the most amazing gastronomic symphonies.
For live performances, I’d throw a banquet, and offer up dishes that would turn the audience into my orchestra.
As long as I received more curtain calls than citations from the health department for food poisoning or cases of gastritis, I was happy.
Summoning
I went out into the woods with my backpack full of bacon and candles, looking for the perfect spot.
Aha. A clearing.
Perfect.
I set down the heavy backpack, opened it up, and began opening up the packages of bacon.
Arranging the strips in a pentagram, I placed candles at each of the five points.
Then, I took off all of my clothes, I wove the remaining strips of bacon into a loincloth, and pulled it on.
After I lit the candles, I swayed and chanted, hoping to summon something from The Bacon Universe.
Instead, the fire department showed up.
Pluot
I like fruits and vegetables.
But when it comes to being adventurous in the produce sections of the grocery stores, I don’t go far beyond the grapes and cucumbers and onions and such.
A coworker brought in a pluot, which is some kind of blasphemous rebuke of God’s Will between a plum and an apricot.
It’s soft. It’s sweet and sour in the skin.
And it’s delicious.
I’m going to the grocery store after work.
I wonder what other marvels are waiting out there to discover, try, and…
Why am I itching?
I hope I’m not allergic to this thing.
The Challenge
Do you remember The Pepsi Challenge?
There’d be a table in a supermarket with someone offering colas in a blind taste test, and the people who said they preferred Coke but chose Pepsi would be put in a commercial.
I always thought it was a fake, but just the other day I saw someone in the supermarket conducting a taste test.
A woman drank one cola, squinched her face up in disgust, and then tried the second.
She spat it out: “They’re both horrible!”
I looked behind the screen… two brands of rat poison.
“Can I be next?” I asked.
Cream Of Tartar
We have a small kitchen, but apparently it’s large enough to lose things in.
So when I wanted cinnamon for my coffee, I looked on the spice rack.
Searching through cumin… tarragon… all-spice…
Ah, found it!
It was behind the Cream of Tartar, which we have never used in eleven years.
Never!
Heck, it’s still got its plastic safety seal on it.
Why does Cream Of Tartar need a plastic safety seal anyway?
In the past 11 years, have you heard of a Cream Of Tartar tampering incident?
I put the cinnamon right in front.
Where I can find it.
Never argue
Everybody’s got that one person they look to for advice, an all-knowing wise person who has all the answers.
Maybe it’s a parent.
Maybe it’s a doctor.
Perhaps it’s a priest.
Tennessee Tuxedo had some guy with a stretchable chalkboard.
Me, I’ve got the Nit Noi sushi chef. The guy always knows the answer.
Great advice too, and not just “Never pick a fight with a guy who’s good with a knife.”
Then, he reaches under the counter. “I got this in just this morning” and slices it up, slides me a piece.
And all is right with the world.
Wild Pizza
Every day, 75 acres of pizza are eaten in the United States.
At this rate, if we don’t work harder to conserve our Pizza Wilderness, pizza in the wild will be extinct.
You might think that your local hand-tossed the best, but there’s nothing quite like naturally-grown.
When harvested right. Which Domino’s, in its greed and haste, fails to do.
It’s ruined during transport. Spoils quickly. So they freeze it.
Disgusting! Truly abominable!
Teddy Roosevelt tried to create The Pizza Reserve, with its beautiful mozzarella blooms and tomato sauce falls. Instead, he protected Yellowstone.
Wanna go out for a slice?