Today is my brother’s birthday.
I have not seen or spoken to him in years.
We fought a lot when we were growing up, and it never stopped.
Mom kept trying to get us not to fight and to bury the hatchet, but Dad never got along with his brother, so he totally understood and respected our decision to stay the hell away from each other.
So, when one day my brother shows up, yeah, I buried the hatchet.
Into his chest.
I buried the body in the back yard.
So, yeah, I haven’t seen or spoken to him.
Satisfied?
Tag: childhood
Where’s The Candlestick Maker?
Theodore Baker didn’t like being called Theodore or Theo.
So, he called himself “The.” As in “The Baker.”
He hung out with his friend Theodore Butcher after school.
He also started calling himself “The.” As in “The Butcher.”
They thought it was cool.
Others didn’t. Kids made fun of them, asking where “The Candlestick Maker” was, and shouting “Rub A Dub Dub!” at them.
They were pushed around, picked on, and bullied constantly.
So, when they were cornered, The Butcher got out a butcher’s knife and The Baker pulled out a rolling pin.
The bullies ran.
But they couldn’t hide.
Sudden Twins
We brought the baby home from the hospital, and just as Sharon was preparing to give him his first feeding, we heard the doorbell.
I opened it.
Three men in environment suits standing there, and a large van parked in the driveway.
“There’s been a mistake,” said one, holding a baby swaddled in a blue cloth. “You had twins.”
Another held a Geiger Counter, watching the dial and sweating. “Hurry up, guys.”
I took the baby… and shut the door.
I looked at the baby.
It glowed orange.
Yes. Orange.
At least we won’t lose him in the dark, right?
Babysitting Exchange
Babysitters are so expensive. And you have no idea who the agency will send.
So, we started a neighborhood babysitter exchange. It’s the neighborhood, so you know who your children are with.
How does it work? Well, everybody gets a number of credits, and people exchange them for babysitting services.
When you run out of credits, you babysit to earn more.
We started with popsicle sticks to represent the credits, but people started to buy those at arts and crafts stores, and hyperinflation kicked in.
It broke down with people faking babysitting jobs, using dolls or watermelons dressed in diapers.
A Twist On Oliver
Oliver walked up to the Beadle, empty bowl held high.
“I’d like some less, please,” he said.
The Beadle looked down, confused.
“Less?” he asked. “But… the bowl’s empty.”
“Yes, I know,” said Oliver. “And I regret eating it all. Far, far too much. So, if you can’t spoon out less into these bowls, maybe smaller bowls?”
The Beadle nodded. “That we can do.”
So, the next day, smaller bowls of gruel were dished out for all the kids.
Oliver, being the smallest, could subside on little, so the bigger kids starved quicker and all died.
Alone, Oliver laughed heartily.
The Girl With A Good Name
There once was a girl who had a good name.
Her mother and father thought long and hard to come up with it, and it was a very good name.
But it didn’t take long for her to wear that good name out.
So, she gave herself another name.
It wasn’t as good of a name, but it served her well.
Until she wore it out, too.
Name after name she took and wore out, until the pile of names grew so large, it’s shadow covered her in darkness.
Rotting underneath, her once-good name, completely buried, out of reach forever.
Gift Giving
Back in the Seventies and Eighties, the Russians were known to put explosives in toys, scatter them over Afghanistan hotspots, and let kids bring those toys back to their homes where they’d blow up.
Sometimes, their mujahedeen fathers and brothers would be at home, and the explosion would take them out.
Other times, it would just kill the kid out there in the field of rocks.
So when NATO troops thought to dress up as Santa and hand out gifts to the locals, yeah, that explains why they opened fire on them.
Thank goodness the Santa costume belly-padding was Kevlar.
Thirst
Children have such a thirst for knowledge.
Thanks to Liquid School, we can satisfy that thirst, giving kids all the essential facts, figures, formulas, and skills a growing child needs.
Nanobots with memory engram patterns read the brains of volunteers, undergo a strict review process, and then get transplanted into students through minimally-invasive surgery.
Results have been phenomenal, although there is always the risk of unintentional engram overwrites or misalignment of memory maps.
This is why you should back up your data and child every night to avoid data loss or corruption.
(Unless you like them better as a chicken.)
Kidnappers
Bobby was missing, and the kidnappers had left a note to stay by the phone.
The telephone rang, and Bobby’s mother picked up.
Bobby is safe.
Don’t call the police.
We want a hundred bucks.
“Only a hundred?” Bobby’s mother asked.
“We know the economy’s tough,” said the kidnappers. “If that’s too much, we’re okay with fifty. Or maybe twenty if you throw in a nice homecooked dinner.”
The kidnappers showed up later, gladly took the twenty, and squealed “Meatloaf! We love meatloaf!” when invited to dinner.
“Next time we’ll bring wine, okay?” the kidnappers said, and they all laughed.
Tornado Drill
The teachers told us that the tornado drills were meant to practice what we’d need to do in an emergency, but the real reason for them is so that in a disaster it’s a bit easier for the authorities to count up the bodies and identify them.
If everyone was running around screaming, the tornado would be tossing them all over the place. Even fat kids… I heard that after one tornado, a fat kid ended up tossed through a tree five miles away.
As for fire drills, okay, go ahead. Run around screaming. See if we care, you bastards.