Tag: romance

The Odd Duck

682904

Down Highway 27, they got one of them side-of-the-road animal carnivals that’s been there forever and a day.
Forget about that boxing kangaroo or the bear that wrestles folks for ten bucks. They ain’t nothin’.
I wanna tell you about the Odd Duck: he’s a duck that quacks every other quack.
Okay, so he was a lot more interesting when the Even Duck was around, because Odd would quack once, Even would quack the second quack, and so on.
But the Even Duck got himself run over.
Now, the Odd Duck just quacks once and waits, lookin’ around for somethin’.

The Happy Couple

628195

In the future, couples wishing to marry will be able to create a pair of clones to test their relationship.
While the clones are married and live out their lives, the original couple is deep-frozen and stored in hibernation chambers.
Should the marriage fail, the clones are destroyed and the couple is thawed out so they can break up and go their separate ways.
But if the marriage holds, well, they live out their lives happily ever after.
Of course, the original couple ends up being destroyed.
Love can be weird sometimes, sure, but why ruin a good thing, right?

The Face Of God

626314

Things were getting loud, hot, and heavy between me and Mary again.
“The absence of visible evidence of God disproves his existence!” shouted Mary.
Philosophy again?
Great.
“Well, I’ve never seen your tits, either,” I shouted back. “But from the curve in your sweater and how they feel in the dark, I can reason they exist.”
Mary put down her books, lifted her sweater, and I saw The Face Of God.
“Hi there,” He said.
Mary pulled her sweater back down, slapped me, and walked away.
You know, now that I think of it, I never did see her tits.

Fresh Flowers (Episode 1,000)

868951

Every day for the past two years, I’ve stopped by the cemetery on the way home from work and put fresh flowers on my wife’s grave.
It doesn’t matter if it’s raining or snowing or there’s a hurricane on the way.
Flowers. Grave.
Maybe a bit of wailing and shouting of “WHY? WHY? WHY?”
When I’m done, I get back in my car and drive home.
“Did you do it?” my wife asks.
“Yes, dear,” I say.
“Good,” my wife says. “Practice makes perfect.”
Looking back, I probably should have gotten her a necklace for her birthday two years ago.

Cutting Through Grease

718794

George pulled a DVD from the shelf, opened the case, and poured dishwashing liquid all over it.
He watched the goo spread over the disk.
His wife walked into the room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she said.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” said George. “I’m trying to cut through Grease.”
“You’ll do anything to get out of doing the dishes,” said George’s wife.
“Not really,” said George. “For instance: I won’t clean the toilets.”
George tried the experiment on Grease 2, and to his amazement, it split.
“Well, it was a weak movie,” said his wife.

Revenge Nog

786963

Edwin clutched his chest, wheezing what might have been words.
Iris wasn’t listening. She was just watching him, waiting for him to die.
He saw her emptying his pill case into the toilet, and his eyes went from surprise to anger.
For a moment, Iris considered calling 911.
She rubbed her arm where he’d last burned her, and decided to wait just a little longer.
Edwin had just enough fight left in him to get up from the chair and lunge at her.
She stepped back.
Some plastic surgery for the scars.
Yeah, that would be her gift to herself.

Radiating Love

622864

I love Jeannie to death, but sometimes she drives me nuts.
The sensors say that it’s still not safe to go outside of the shelter, but she’s accusing me of having an affair?
“We might just be the last two people on earth!” I shout. “Who am I cheating with?”
“I know you put on that radiation suit and go carousing at night,” she sneers.
I shake my head and wonder if it’s really worth trying to save the species when it’ll be stuck with her crazy and retarded genes.
Whatever. If supplies run low, I can always eat her.

A Love For Spuds

654371

Arthur finished his third bowl of mashed potatoes and let loose a fond sigh.
“I love mashed potatoes,” he said. “I love them oh so much.”
Emily had heard this once too many times that evening. “So why don’t you marry them?”
The ink and gravy stains weren’t dry on the divorce papers before Arthur headed to Vegas to marry his beloved mashed potatoes.
The preacher, just finished marrying a pair of Star Wars-loving store clerks, muttered “She’s quite a… side dish?”
The preacher took his money, performed the ceremony, and let the Health Department and courts fight it out.

Love Is

622700

All it takes is a simple chip and all of the robots in the factory will love you. Their devotion will be unquestioned and as solid as the iron in their unbending skeletons.
The hard part is making them stop loving you. Extracting the chip is not a simple task when a robot loves you, because any attempt to remove a love chip is considered the worst form of rejection.
You really don’t want to reject a five-ton girder-bending robot. If you’ve seen what it does to steel, you can imagine what it will do to a frail human frame.

In His Pocket

606876

Leon always left his wallet on the nightstand, so Sally would put it in his jacket pocket.
For whatever reason, Leon would take it back out and leave it on the nightstand again.
So, Sally would put twenty dollar bills in all of his work shirt pockets. That way, he’d have money for lunch.
The little miracles of everyday life. They don’t last.
Sally died in WTC2, 100th floor.
After a period of mourning, Leon went back to work.
And he forgot his wallet.
At lunch, he checked his pocket, and saw the money.
He never forgot his wallet again.