It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but the machines have made a few mistakes here and there to make it obvious that it’s all just a ruse to keep our minds occupied while they use our bodies as power sources in gigantic energy farms.
Santa’s wearing white with red trim, the Christmas trees are covered with honey glazed ham, and all these fucking red-nosed reindeer everywhere.
As for the men in black suits with earpieces and sunglasses at every streetcorner, well, that’s actually what America was like before the machines got smart and conquered us.
Stupid Patriot Act!
Tag: dystopia
Not So Wise
After they left Bethlehem, the Three Wise Men returned back to their homelands and got chewed out by their clans for giving their wares away to some strange family in a barn.
The myrrh and the frankincense weren’t much in demand at the time, so those guys got off easy with whippings. But the guy with the gold really blew it, and he was sold into slavery for his temporary bout of madness.
Still, he’d tell tales of following the star, giving gold to The Newborn King Of The Jews.
So they cut out his tongue to shut him up.
Bed Rest
Sally didn’t feel good, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor told her she just had a cold and needed plenty of bed rest.
She went to the pharmacy, where they ended up giving her flamenco dancing instead of bed rest.
Exhausted, Sally ended up in the hospital.
During the malpractice suit, the pharmacist claimed they couldn’t read the doctor’s handwriting, but it was as clear as day: bed rest.
The pharmacist and Sally eventually settled out of court. Five hundred thousand bucks.
The pharmacist wrote a check.
Sally tore it up.
“One that doesn’t say ‘Flamenco dancing’ please.”
Cruella
I remember reading a book called 101 Dalmatians, but it was a total fabrication.
What? Fiction?
No, a fabrication.
The book.
The Disney animations.
That live-action movie with Glenn Close?
Oh, sure Cruella de Vil was a crazy and evil bitch who had a thing for wearing fur, but kidnapping and stealing the animals?
Crazy? Yes.
Evil? Totally.
Stupid? Hell no.
She bought puppies from breeders, and then ran her own breeding program at her home.
The dog meat she sold to Chinese restaurants.
And then she wrote the book with that outlandish story to cover up the sick truth.
The House Of Hate
The House Of Hate is having a yard sale.
I walk my dog past the House Of Hate every day, so I figured I’d stop by and check out what they’re getting rid of.
There were a few card tables set up on the front lawn, piled high with boxes and other things.
Two old ladies were looking through some scarves, and a fat guy was browsing the comic books.
That was when I realized I’d left my wallet at home, so I walked the dog home.
I hung up the leash, sat down on my couch, and watched football.
Freak Snowfall
It’s been a while since I last saw snow, but I’m always prepared for anything: cap and scarf on the coat rack, just in case.
Walking from the parking garage to work, I caught a glimpse… a single snowflake drifting from a nearby alley.
I walked over there, and in there was a winter wonderland, dumpsters covered with snow, drifts as high as my knee.
And a snowman, but it turned out to be a bum who had frozen to death, covered by the freak snowfall.
I put the cap and scarf on him.
There. That’s much more festive, right?
The Winter Festival
When the factory was still open, the Winter Festival was a festival, but now after it closed, all that changed.
There’s no more parade. No skating in the park. No snowman building contests…
Just the big dinner at the school gym for the needy, and it grows every year.
Well, that and the Snowball Fight.
A through M, one side of the park.
N through Z on the other.
Pack ‘em tight, and no rocks allowed.
We stack our forts high, and let the snowballs fly.
Sure, nobody wins.
But unlike Life, just for this moment, that’s fine by us.
The Diggers
It’s a common thing for gravediggers to moonlight as graverobbers these days.
They steal what the mortician doesn’t steal, cannot steal when the casket is open, picking the carcass clean.
“What good will this tiara do the dead? Are they planning on attending the ball later?”
“Gold frames for eyes forever shut!”
“If they didn’t want to leave this fine ring to their children, then they didn’t raise them right!”
“I’ll pay for the dentist appointment myself and return their gold fillings the moment they complain of a toothache!”
And back to the church they go, to collect their due.
Dynasty
In the center of the city stands The Tower Of Kings.
King Albert The First was placed in a small tomb in the city square.
His son, King Albert The Second, asked that his tomb be built on top of his father’s.
As did his own son.
Over the centuries, each successive King Albert insisted his tomb be built on top of the stack, each tomb rendering the structure more unstable and necessitating reinforcement and buttressing of The Tower.
When The Tower falls, so will The Dynasty Of Albert.
Good riddance. Because they’re all a bunch of crazy tomb-stacking assholes.
Hater
The mob broke into the hater’s house, ransacked the furniture and the books, and someone shouted “HE’S ON THE ROOF!”
“Shine a light up there!”
“Get a ladder!”
“Let’s just burn the place!”
“Where’s his wife? Where’s their kids, the little haters?”
Someone came out with a WORLD’S GREATEST DAD mug, and they shattered it on the sidewalk.
The mob cheered, and piled up the books on the front yard to burn.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself, hater?” yelled the leader.
If he had anything to say, you couldn’t hear it over the mob’s shouts and chants.