Fernando’s greatest wish was to run with the bulls.
He spent years training, running and leaping over obstacles in the alley behind his family’s restaurant.
Finally, after years of pleading, his parents let him off work to finally do it.
He was gored through the chest in five seconds… but, he survived.
After hours of surgery, the doctors determined that if they removed the horn from his heart, it would kill him, so they cut it off the bull and left it in there.
The family asked “Can we keep the rest of the bull to butcher for the restaurant?”
Tag: food
Shuggoth
I remember back when Chunky soup said they could be eaten with a fork.
These days, you need a gun and knife.
Yeah, I know. Cream Of Shuggoth Soup is crazy, right? But it’s cheap and nutritious, so the soup kitchens in New England have been buying it by the barrel.
The shuggoth are supposed to be killed before getting chopped up and dumped in the soup, but every now and then a tentacle survives the boiling process and you end up with a regrettable incident.
Just read the label and don’t microwave the stuff.
(The magnetrons revive the things.)
Pasta Beauty
It is said that tortellini was created by an innkeeper who peeked into the goddess Venus’ room and, awestruck by a glimpse of her navel, he was inspired to bolt to the kitchen where he messed around with meat and pasta.
The same could be said of elbow pasta and the ropy joints of Olive Oyl from cartoons. Although in her case, it’s the least-unattractive part of her by far.
Whatever did Popeye and Bluto ever see in that anorexic freakjob, anyway?
They must have been out to sea a very long time to think she was worth fighting over.
Surly
As I prepared my morning oatmeal, I slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of God.
It was greasy and sticky.
“Don’t you ever wash your face?” I asked God.
“You shouldn’t be one to talk about hygiene,” said God. “Did you wash your hands before making that oatmeal? I see everything, you know.”
“Fair enough,” I said.
We floated in uncomfortable silence for a while.
“I’d best be getting back,” I said, and I reached for the surly bonds of earth, even surlier, having been slipped so easily.
I finished my oatmeal, and washed my hands.
Kidnappers
Bobby was missing, and the kidnappers had left a note to stay by the phone.
The telephone rang, and Bobby’s mother picked up.
Bobby is safe.
Don’t call the police.
We want a hundred bucks.
“Only a hundred?” Bobby’s mother asked.
“We know the economy’s tough,” said the kidnappers. “If that’s too much, we’re okay with fifty. Or maybe twenty if you throw in a nice homecooked dinner.”
The kidnappers showed up later, gladly took the twenty, and squealed “Meatloaf! We love meatloaf!” when invited to dinner.
“Next time we’ll bring wine, okay?” the kidnappers said, and they all laughed.
Swami
I will never forget the day I went to my favorite Italian restaurant, sat down at my usual table, and a group of Indian swamis came in.
George the Waiter sat them at a table and brought out a large bowl of spaghetti.
Each in turn took out his recorder, played, and a spaghetti strand would rise from the bowl to the ceiling in a slender rope.
Over and over, the swamis made the spaghetti rise up.
I called over George, and said “Wow, isn’t that amazing?”
George grumbled. “Sure, it is, but those cheap bastards don’t tip for shit.”
The Daily Special
I can never decide what I want to get at a restaurant.
So, I don’t bother with a menu.
I just let the waiter tell me the specials and I say “Surprise me.”
The most surprised I’ve ever been was when a Turkish chef prepared shish kebab skewers, set them on fire, and launched them with a crossbow at the wall above my head.
It was the best dinner I’d never had, and I thanked the chef, the owner, and the entire staff for that night.
What’s the name of the place?
Doesn’t matter. It burned down years ago.
Bounty
Of all the gangsters in town, Vinnie The Finger was the meanest.
He’d put the finger on anyone at the drop of a hat, and he had a very small head, so the fan in his office was always blowing his hat off.
And that meant a lot of people got the finger.
The craziest was a grocer who sold Vinnie a salad he didn’t like, so Vinnie put a bounty on every head of lettuce he owned.
Thugs trashed the grocer’s produce section, and cut off an ear of corn as a warning not to mess with Vinnie anymore.
Survivors
It’s been two hours since the helicopter crashed on the mountain.
Well, not really crashed. It was a rather good landing.
Jacobs disagrees about that. “It was a shitty landing,” he says. “Spilled my drink.”
We’ve got plenty of food, water, and other supplies, but Jacobs insists that we kill the pilot and eat him.
“I’m not eating goddamned energy soy bars,” says Jacobs. “I want a steak, and muscle is just meat, right?”
The pilot tried to yell through his gag.
“I think I hear a chopper,” I said. “They found us.”
“Good,” said Jacobs. “More pilots to eat.”
Kettles
In Winter, the snow gets as deep as your waist, and it stays deep for months.
We fix kettles of soup and stew, then store them in the deep snow.
Every week, we dig up another kettle to eat from.
Long red poles with flags mark the places we’ve buried kettles, but sometimes the poles and flags get blown away, or taken by naughty and stupid children.
So, we try to remember where the kettles are buried, sometimes finding them, sometimes not.
When the Spring Thaw comes, the remaining kettles are revealed, and we hold a huge feast celebrating renewal.