Too many books

I have a lot of books. Too many books.
All of the walls are covered with bookshelves, and all of the bookshelves are full.
Stacks and stacks of books.
I tried to sell some excess books to a half-price store, but I ended up buying even more books there.
I thought I could give them away to schools, but they don’t want any.
And my garage sale ended up with even more books dumped on my table than I sold.
I built a lending library frame and was about to fill it with books, but neighbors already filled the thing.

This story marks seventeen years of writing and podcasting.

Rather use

A great king once said that he’d rather use his purse, not his sword.
The saying suggests that it’s better to negotiate than to fight.
But the truth is, that king ran into battle armed with a purse.
He’d fill it with gold coins and beat enemy’s soldiers over the head with it.
Sometimes, the purse would burst, and coins will spill everywhere, and the enemy’s solders would scramble for the coins.
Which made it easier for the king to beat them over the head.
With the empty purse. Rather ineffective and silly.
The king shrugged and drew his sword.

Weekly Challenge #840 – SPOOK

Birthday

LISA

The Spy next door.

Blue lights and hazmat suits filled the usually quiet tree lined avenue. It was a painfully ordinary street and everyone had thought him a painfully ordinary man. They said he just seemed to blend in, in fact they all struggled to describe him. No one knew what he did but assumed it was something dull like an accountant.

Brian, next door, was proud that he knew what Novichok was but had to google spook. He was shocked, and couldn’t decide if he wished he’d got to know his neighbour better or not.

Of course now it was far too late.

RICHARD

Spook

Dad was a spook.

Of course, if you asked him, he would neither confirm nor deny it, but the dark suit and tie, shades, and the curly bit of wire behind his ear were a dead giveaway.

It was years before the truth dawned on me, however.

As a kid, I was convinced his job had something to do with agriculture. He’d often disappear, sometimes for weeks at a time, and when I asked him where he’d been, he’d say ‘at the farm’ – which, it turned out, was perfectly true.

Although, you never heard any of this from me! OK?

LIZZIE

Frederick was an old ghost. He enjoyed startling anyone who approached the house. But that didn’t last long. After a century or two, another old ghost showed up, Victor. They argued. Victor laughed and Frederick punched him. Victor punched back. Exhausted, they agreed to frighten the town folk together. It was a good thing Victor showed up. The new generation wasn’t as gullible. They would laugh and pull out those hideous little devices, pointing them left and right. It was humiliating. He’d have to talk to Victor about it. Perhaps they could punch a few of them! Ummm… Too much?

ED

Hi there. Hope you had a good week. Here’s my weekly challenge story and recording.

Haunted

I stirred from sleep, quickly focusing on the sounds of the old house. I had just moved in a few days earlier.

After the closing, I had stopped for a coffee nearby, and, asked if I was new in town, said I had just bought the blue house up the street.

“That’s interesting,” the barista had said, with wide eyes. “Didn’t they tell you that house was haunted?”

Huh. No one had, actually. “Cool,” I answered, shrugging it off. “That’ll make for some good party conversations.”

Now, though, staring at the ceiling, a little spooked, I wasn’t sure about that.

SERENDIPIDY

Did I spook you?

Good. That was my intention.

I don’t feel inclined to rest in peace, just because my mortal life has come to an end, I don’t see any reason why I should retire and put my feet up. There’s plenty of life – for want of a better expression – in me yet.

So I’m afraid you’re going to have to put up with the creaking floorboards, the cold shivers, and the occasional ornament flying across the room, because I’m here to stay.

Serves you right, I reckon. They warned you the house was haunted when you bought it!

NORVAL JOE

With little chance he would get back to sleep, Billbert got dressed and went out to have some breakfast. His mother was at the table when he sat down with his cereal.
Between bites, Billbert said, “You’ve met Sabrina, now. What do you think?”
His mother smiled. “She’s a bit weird.”
Billbert choked. “You noticed that, huh? Why’d you let her into my room?”
She sighed. “I didn’t want to spook her. You’re new here and I didn’t want to chase away the only friend you have.”
“I wish you had,” Billbert grumbled. “Now I have to do it, myself.”

PLANET Z

It doesn’t take much to spook an untrained horse.
Loud noises. Flashing lights. Sudden movement.
You can smack it a few times in the ass.
If the horse rears up, anyone foolish enough to be riding it is gonna get thrown.
When a horse I was training broke its leg, it broke mine.
I was laid up for a month.
Bob spread word it was my fault, and he stole my clients.
It’s only fair I take a few of them back.
Nobody noticed my laser pointer in the horse’s eyes.
Poor Bob. His calendar just got cleared for good.

Start button

I keep forgetting to start my smartwatch with my treadmill walks.
And, unlike outdoor walks, it doesn’t automatically nag me about indoor walks.
It just sees my heart rate go up and it prays I keep over so it can be regifted to someone who doesn’t shame it with a stupid cat photo as a watch face.
I had a message written on the treadmill to remind me, but I don’t look there.
So I put a post-it over the start button which I have to lift out of the way to start it.
If only I used the treadmill.

Psychic powers

Instead of walking to the grocery store, I needed more than I could carry.
So, I drove to the grocery store.
When I got my overloaded cart back to my car, there was a flyer in my car’s door handle.
I pulled it out and read it… a flier for a psychic.
I crumpled it up and tossed it in a grocery bag.
Looking at all the fliers on the ground, I wasn’t the only one ignoring it.
I mean, did they predict that? People ignoring all your spam?
Then why bother printing and hanging all these fliers at all?

Bank run

Adolphus is a kind, sweet old man.
He goes to the Commonwealth Bank every day and brings the lady at the window flowers.
And a stickup note.
The lady smiles, puts all of the cash in a bag, and hands it to Adolphus.
He smiles, tips his hat, and goes across the street to the National Bank.
Where he hands the lady at the window flowers.
And a deposit slip.
Then he goes home and takes a nap.
The lady at the National Bank brings the money back to the Commonwealth Bank.
“See you tomorrow,” she says, with a wink.

Whaling

Arthur joined the crowd at the shore, staring at the whale that had beached itself and died.
Some kids had gotten up on the whale and had their friends take pictures, but the beast had started to decompose and so they fell through the skin and ended up covered in rotten whale guts.
Instead of hacking the whale to pieces and dragging them back into the water, Arthur suggested using dynamite to blow the thing up.
And they did.
It rained whale guts for five minutes, smashing car windows and mailboxes.
Seagulls and dogs went around gobbling up the offal.

The crush

Teddy had a crush on the school nurse.
It started when he scraped his knee and she put a bandage on it.
His heart swooned. (The nurse checked that, too.)
To keep seeing her, Teddy got himself into a lot of accidents.
Or he said he got into a lot of accidents.
The nurse noticed that some of the wounds looked like their were self-inflicted.
She called the principal, and the principal calls Teddy’s parents.
Now, Teddy’s off to the school psychologist.
He’s got a crush on her now.
Makes up all kinds of stories.
Especially about the school nurse.

Obsoleteland

Walt Disney cut the ribbon himself to open Tomorrowland at Disneyland.
It was meant to be a vision of the future.
Then, the future came… and went.
Some attractions stayed up-to-date, but many didn’t.
And they became Todayland. Then Yesterdayland.
Tomorrowland opened in Florida. And Paris. And Hong Kong.
And those Tomorrowlands aged badly, too.
EPCOT was out-of-date from day one.
Might as well call it EPCOY.
Then, the Obsoletelands became Retro… like Steampunk shows people an alternate steam-driven future.
Too bad the safety technology didn’t get updated.
Ouch. Poor bastard.
You grab the kid’s head, I’ll grab his feet.

Weekly Challenge #839 – TRAIN

Bathroom attendant

LISA

Happily ever after

She jolted to a halt halfway down the aisle. Smiling faces looked on worried. Her sister sent what she hoped was a sympathetic look from a flower festooned pew.

The best man approached.

“Y’alright Rach?”

“Erm.” She turned, about to say that her train was caught on something and could he go to unhook it.

“C’mon. It didn’t mean anything. It was only one night…he’s not going to see her again” He’d whispered it so her Dad couldn’t hear.

At that bombshell the butterflies she’d felt flew off and she turned to release her own dress and left the church.

ED

Deflating Ride

My boss called me in before three. I was being promoted, getting a hefty raise, and being told to take the rest of the day. I called my wife, who had off from school. My excitement contagious, we decided to meet and celebrate at our favorite spot.

I flew out of the office, down the subway stairs, and immediately onto a train. What luck! And then I looked around. Not a single smile or joyful face. No eye contact from anyone.

This can’t be right, I thought. I blew out a breath, deflating as the happiness seeped out of me.

RICHARD

Train Driver

I always wanted to be a train driver.

I don’t know why, it just appealed to me, maybe because I was a bit of a train nut at the time, and I figured that if trains were cool, then driving them would be even cooler.

So, I’m living my dream. I’m a train driver.

And let me tell you, it sucks. Big time!

Antisocial hours, constant mind-numbing health and safety checks, and the boring routine of the same routes, same places, every single day.

I always wanted to be a train driver, but now, I’d rather be anything else!

LIZZIE

“The pilot wasn’t trained properly,” said the inspector.
“I trained him myself. I’ve been training pilots for 30 years, as you know.”
“I think you’re losing your… skills.”
Silence.
“How about the huge hole on the side of the plane?!”
“It’ll go in my report, but it wasn’t the cause of…”
“Not the cause?! Five people were sucked out.”
The inspector smiled and walked away.
Thirty years. He waited, thirty years. He had always wanted to be a pilot, but the idiot flunked him again and again. He ended up becoming a mere scribe. This is how you get even.

SERENDIPIDY
They say that those with tormented souls may be called to wakefulness in the dead of night, by the evocative sound of a distant, mournful train horn, echoing through the still night air.

Those called, are drawn, with faltering steps to the old railroad crossing on the edge of town, to await the arrival of the train of the damned.

None will return.

That’s what they say, anyway.

The truth is, nobody goes down to the old railroad crossing in the dead of night…

There is no railroad crossing.

Which begs the question.

Where did all those missing people go?

NORVAL JOE

Still holding his bed sheet to him with his left hand, Billbert reached out his right. “Okay. Take my hand and let’s get this over with.”
Sabrina smiled, took his hand, and leaned forward for a quick kiss.
“Hey!” Billbert shouted, jerked his hand from hers, and wiped his lips. “You said we only need to make contact to be protected.”
“I also said that kissing is better. I’m just trying to train you properly.” Sabrina headed to the door.
Billbert slumped back in his bed and grumbled, “I don’t need training.”
“Right,” Sabrina laughed. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

PLANET Z

I like going to baseball games, but I hate driving Downtown.
And parking there is an absolute nightmare.
So, I’d take the bus, since there’s a bus stop nearby.
But the bus doesn’t go all the way Downtown anymore.
Now it terminates at the main train line, and you take the train Downtown.
There was a another bus line that went Downtown about 15 minutes away.
But it stops at the same train station now.
For a few bucks more, I can order an Uber or a Lyft.
I shrug, turn on the TV, and watch the game from home.