Bob Hope took his show to the soldiers time and time again.
He also did NBC specials.
He’d read cue cards while his costars were expected to memorize lines.
It looked disconcerting when he’d talk to an off-camera cue card instead of the other actors.
As he got older, his vision got worse, so he couldn’t read the cards.
And his hearing got worse, so he couldn’t hear the prompts in the earpiece.
At his funeral, the eulogy was read off of cue cards.
While one blank cue card was held by the coffin.
To remind him to remain quiet.
Dallas Loves You
For the most ironic words ever spoken, you have to credit Nellie Connally, the wife of the Texas Governor sitting next to JFK in the limo as they drove through the streets of Dallas.
Crowds cheering. People waving.
The people in the open-top vehicles in the motorcade waving back.
And then, she said those words: “You can’t say Dallas doesn’t love you.”
Kennedy agreed, just as bullets ripped through his body.
You could say that Lee Harvey Oswald was from New Orleans.
And spent time in Russia and other places.
So maybe Dallas loved him, but that crazy jackass didn’t.
Bob Ross Greatest
Bob Ross was a good painter.
He was also a good presenter and narrator.
An excellent teacher, too. He taught art classes around the country.
Selling his brand of art supplies.
Like a Johnny Appleseed, but with art.
Planting art in so many talented minds.
When not on tour, he painted for 30 series of his television show, all at a grueling pace in a tiny university television studio.
Popular and in demand, but exhausted.
The stress wore him down, made him sick.
The greatest painting of them all, Bob Ross had painted himself in a corner.
Unable to stop.
Somewhere under the rainbow
After the storm, the farmhands found Dorothy in the road.
Bandaging the delirious girl’s head, bringing her home.
The stories she told.
Flying monkeys? Witches?
“Madness,” said the doctors.
She spent the next ten years in one hospital after another.
Always asking about her dog. “Where’s Toto?”
Long ago euthanized by the county.
Her aunt and uncle, crops ruined, lost the farm.
They went out to California, died in the desert.
After she was released, Dorothy would watch for storms.
Running into the winds.
Screaming. Laughing.
They never found her body.
Maybe she made it back to Oz after all?
Don on tour
It’s been a while since Don Domino went on tour.
The band’s all wanting it.
He can fit into his old suit.
Sounds great in the studio and in rehearsals.
But when the promoters and managers come up with a tour plan, Don goes to the bathroom and locks the door.
And he won’t come out.
When people ask him why he does that, Don won’t answer.
They had to take the hinges off of the door to open it, and then Don went to another bathroom and locked himself in.
We’ll just air the rehearsals on pay per view.
Frankenstrat
Eddie Van Halen never liked the sound and feel of his guitars, so he tore them apart and built his own out of the parts.
Covering it with red, white, and black paint, he dubbed it Frankenstrat.
And it sounded awesome, although a lot of that had to do with the fact that it was Eddie playing it.
Over the years, he’d modify and swap out parts, trying to make it even better.
And yet, his kids say he’d pull it out, play with it a bit, and toss it on the sofa.
Imagine, Arthur doing the same with Excalibur!
Weekly Challenge #838 – Every good intention
LISA
Line
Sam had worked at the museum for decades, so long he was like one of the artefacts. One day, in the Modern Master’s Gallery he noticed a nasty smear on one of the pictures. The painter was a local man, long dead and one of the founders of the modern movement The piece was called Line. As the title suggests it was a single black line on a white canvas.
Sam had every good intention as he approached it with his bright orange duster.
But as he left the painting it was less of a line, more of a nothing.
LIZZIE
Every good intention starts with a candle, he thought… at first. The solemn emptiness was cold and the minute light gave him hope, a nervous flicker betraying the uncertainty of the moment. Was he really good enough? Was he worthy? He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Every good intention starts with a candle. But he doesn’t think that anymore. The nervous flicker turned into a blazing nightmare. No one asked. So, he never mentioned his candle. And when someone said “Shall we light a candle, Father?”, he always remembered the cold horror, crawling up his back.
RICHARD
Every good intention
It always starts with good intentions, but every good intention has a downside.
Be nice to someone: They’ll take advantage. They’ll spread the word you’re a pushover, and before you know it everyone’s taking you for a ride.
So, you stop being a nice guy, and what happens? People treat you like crap and make out you’re doing them wrong.
You can’t win.
I try though, goodness knows I try, but it just comes out wrong.
Like this story. I had every good intention to write something positive and uplifting, but I guess, today is just one of those days!
SERENDIPIDY
You know how it is when starting a relationship. You try to show your best side, smile cheerfully, consider the other person’s feelings, and, difficult though it is, you don’t fart in bed.
You’ve every good intention to cover up the real you, but it’s not long before the cracks begin to show.
And I’m not talking about farting in bed, this time.
You see, cannibalism is a compulsion, not a choice: You can only keep it under wraps for so long.
Up to the second meet up, in my case.
Yes, I’m sorry to say, I ate my date!
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina reached out to Billbert. “You need to take my hand.”
Billbert clutched the bed sheet closer to his chest. “Can’t this wait until later? Like, after I get dressed?”
Sabrina sighed and shook her head. “The sooner we make contact, the sooner you’ll be safe.”
Billbert hadn’t know he was in any danger. “Safe from what?”
She blinked her eyes dramatically. “Demons, of course.”
Billbert gasped. “Demons! You never mentioned demons before.”
“I had every good intention of telling you, but the time never seemed right,” Sabrina shrugged. “Once we’ve connected magically, demons will start trying to kill us.”
PLANET Z
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you were going to leave me.
And I didn’t know what to do.
So, I locked you in the basement.
And threw away the key.
Which, I guess, wasn’t a smart idea.
Seeing as how I couldn’t open the door to give you food and water.
I tried to slip them under the door, but other than thin tortillas, I couldn’t get any food under the door.
I’d axe down the door, but my axe is in the basement.
Oh, what’s that noise?
You found it.
And you’re chopping down the door to-
Swimming competition
I know there’s a lot of noise about competitive swimming right now.
I don’t swim. Competitively or recreationally.
And I’ve never been in a situation that the gym teachers warned me about.
Falling off of a boat?
I hate boats.
If there’s racing, I’d think you would want to outrace a shark.
Or outrace others also fleeing that shark.
As for the rest, I really don’t know.
I think a lot of people don’t know.
But they feel compelled to say something.
I suppose this is saying something.
Irrelevant, sure. Which is what a lot of what people say is.
The Neutron Dance
I’ve been to a lot of shitty concerts, but the shittiest was The Pointer Sisters at the Boston Palisades.
Early Eighties. After the Neutron Dance.
They had just enough left in them to sell out and be One Hit Wonders again.
My aunt and uncle had gotten tickets and they were excited.
Of course, being selfish assholes, they’d only gotten tickets for themselves.
The rest of us were stuck wandering outside the venue, listening to badly-echoing sloppy seconds for the unwashed masses.
I sent them a Best Of The Pointer Sisters CD for their anniversary.
Well, okay. Just the case.
Sleepover
As a kid, I remember sleepovers.
You’d bring a sleeping bag and a change of clothes and a toothbrush.
I also remember changing my mind and asking to be picked up and taken home.
Although, sometimes, it was walking distance, so I wouldn’t bother calling.
I’d just take my things back home again.
The other kid’s parents would freak out.
Did I run away?
I got scolded for that.
So, instead of just taking everything, I’d pack some bloody clothes I’d saved from playground scrapes, and toss them around.
Let them think I was dragged off by coyotes or pirates.