It’s not easy growing good teachers.
Good soil.
Good weather.
Good gardeners.
Even with seeds genetically modified to handle various academic climates, few districts take the time or give the effort to try to raise the best crop.
Some say organic pesticide-free is the way to go. Hydroponics, too. Force-feeding nutrients in glass pots reduces root-shock.
Our district tries to stay as natural as we can, using leaf-cuttings from good teachers while limiting physical manipulation to grafting of buds and branches for diversity.
The bad teachers, we chop up for the kids’ lunches.
No wonder why they’re so damn stupid.
Tag: dystopia
Missing
The disappearance of Mindy Murphy took the town by surprise, shocking everyone how such a horrible thing could happen there.
However, when Mr. Murphy started putting posters up all over town with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL? and her picture on them, there were voices of protest.
“We know you’re worried about your girl and such,” said the mayor. “But let’s face it: she wasn’t the prettiest girl around. And that’s not one of her better pictures.”
The town was relieved when another, better-looking kid got kidnapped. Milk sales returned to normal. Heck, the kid was so good-looking, they doubled.
Magi
Doctor Odd put down “Gift Of The Magi” and smiled.
O Henry’s tale reminded him of when he sold his invincible army of robots to buy his true love a crown of diamonds, while his true love gave him an Orvis gift certificate.
Orvis?
What the hell?
He didn’t own anything from there.
They fought and broke up.
She kept the crown, and it really pissed him off.
So, he activated the homing beacon, recalled his robots from the pawn shop, and conquered earth.
He put the crown in his trophy case, mounted on his former true love’s severed head.
Always a Jammer, Never a Blocker
Most women think of their wedding dress as the dress they’ll be married in.
Others think of it as the dress they’ll be buried in.
But Tracy’s thinking “How will this perform on the track?”
She joined the Bridezillas team as a jammer, fast and light, with a minimum of lace to reduce wind resistance and material for opponents to grab. But after years of working out and hitting the bars after matches, she switched to blocker, and she wanted more flashy and style.
She checked a sleeve. Shiny… glittering…
Pretty as a picture.
Plus, rhinestones always leave a mark.
Come Out Swinging
I once knew a judge who was sick and tired of his rulings getting appealed.
So, every time a court overturned one of his rulings, he’d drive to that judge’s house and punch them in the face.
Still the appeals kept coming, so he changed tactics: when someone appealed his rulings, he’d drive to their house and punch them in the face.
These days, he strides into the courtroom, wearing his black robe like a boxer’s, preferring black trunks with black boots and gloves.
He smacks the gavel against the bell, comes out swinging, and the litigants run for cover.
Turning Evil
The Black Rhinoceros recently became extinct.
Poachers hunted the species to extinction because traditional Chinese medicine says their pulverized horns are used for banishing demons.
Many other species are also being hunted to extinction because of similar bogus medical practices.
Since fining poachers and impounding poached material hasn’t worked, I proposed a new solution:
A new branch of quack medicine where the dried and powdered hearts of poachers made for an anti-aging powder.
As for the Chinese medicine practitioners, their pituitary glands make for excellent protection from income tax audits.
When you can’t defeat evil alone, turn evil on itself.
Dirty Laundry
Marie Antoinette was known for her extravagance, insisting on the finest things and only using them once before tossing them aside.
She also insisted that nobody else be permitted to use them, so the cellars filled quickly with silverware, porcelain plates, crystal glasses, silk handkerchiefs, and even her linen undergarments.
Standing before the angry crowd, she saw that they’d raised the palace’s storerooms, and were waving forks and knives and plates and handkerchiefs and…
Her underwear.
All of her dirty laundry, out there for everyone to see.
She looked at the blade and winced.
“Mind cleaning it first?” she asked.
Loose change
Why did I just toss that dime on the sidewalk?
Well, everybody likes to find a dime or a quarter in the street, right?
I’m just trying to spread a little random joy.
It started back when I reached in my pocket and some change spilled out.
I picked up most of it, but decided to leave the rest.
Now, I just toss a dime or a quarter out every now and then.
What I don’t like is when bums ask me for a buck or two.
Then, I toss the money into a busy street.
“Go get it, jackass.”
Easy Street
Some kids go to college and never come back.
Other kids never leave.
Me, I was emancipated at the age of 3.
But we agreed not to make a big deal of it.
So, I went to a boarding pre-school and kept up the act from year to year.
Sure, it wasn’t easy, paying for it all, but my parents lent me the cash now and then.
Maybe they charged a little too much interest, but the banks kept saying no.
Now, after years of hard work, I’m on Easy Street.
Well, the alley behind it.
Spare some change, mister?
Milk Street
At the corner of Milk Street and Cookie Avenue, I’d like to build an old-fashioned shop selling cookies.
Kids could come there after school, buy cookies, and dip them in milk while doing homework.
Parents from the community could act as tutors or babysitters.
Instead, there’s a crackhouse.
Sure, there’s kids there, but they’re not doing their homework. They’re acting as lookouts for cops or rival gangs.
I pull up with my milk truck, get out, and walk up to the door.
I pick up the empty milk bottles, put down fresh, and knock.
At least they pay in cash.