Cats throw up now and then.
As they get older, they throw up more often.
And they sometimes miss the litterbox.
But if they’re pooping, at least it means they’re keeping some food down, right?
Either way, I’m the one who gets to pick up the mess, scrub the carpet, and then spray a cloud of deodorizer.
Kittens should come with a warning label:
WARNING
One day, this kitten will become a cat.
And that cat will become an old cat.
And old cats make a lot of nasty, smelly messes.
But, in spite of that, you’ll still love it.
Tag: sick
Seen Or Spoken
Today is my brother’s birthday.
I have not seen or spoken to him in years.
We fought a lot when we were growing up, and it never stopped.
Mom kept trying to get us not to fight and to bury the hatchet, but Dad never got along with his brother, so he totally understood and respected our decision to stay the hell away from each other.
So, when one day my brother shows up, yeah, I buried the hatchet.
Into his chest.
I buried the body in the back yard.
So, yeah, I haven’t seen or spoken to him.
Satisfied?
Where’s The Candlestick Maker?
Theodore Baker didn’t like being called Theodore or Theo.
So, he called himself “The.” As in “The Baker.”
He hung out with his friend Theodore Butcher after school.
He also started calling himself “The.” As in “The Butcher.”
They thought it was cool.
Others didn’t. Kids made fun of them, asking where “The Candlestick Maker” was, and shouting “Rub A Dub Dub!” at them.
They were pushed around, picked on, and bullied constantly.
So, when they were cornered, The Butcher got out a butcher’s knife and The Baker pulled out a rolling pin.
The bullies ran.
But they couldn’t hide.
Sighting
For centuries, people have claimed to have seen the Virgin Mary in various caves and grottos, and pilgrims seek guidance and healing in those places.
To this day, you’ll hear about a cheese sandwich or a piece of driftwood. A water stain in the ceiling of some shithole apartment.
So, imagine my surprise that during my colonoscopy, I’m watching the monitor and the doctor goes “HOLY CRAP!” the same time I do.
Yep. The Virgin Mary. Up my ass.
“Oh that’s where that statue went,” I said.
I promise I’ll wash it before I put it back on the dashboard.
Sudden Twins
We brought the baby home from the hospital, and just as Sharon was preparing to give him his first feeding, we heard the doorbell.
I opened it.
Three men in environment suits standing there, and a large van parked in the driveway.
“There’s been a mistake,” said one, holding a baby swaddled in a blue cloth. “You had twins.”
Another held a Geiger Counter, watching the dial and sweating. “Hurry up, guys.”
I took the baby… and shut the door.
I looked at the baby.
It glowed orange.
Yes. Orange.
At least we won’t lose him in the dark, right?
Never again
Every now and then, I have a drink, but not as much as I once did.
Yeah, in my prime, I was a drunk.
My college transcript was done with a breathalyzer.
Used to drink four margaritas at Cabo’s, or nine Red Bull and Jagermeisters somewhere else.
Said “Never again” enough to make Elie Wiesel demand royalties.
And my old pal Jack Daniels, well, he’s been married three times: Coke, diet Coke, and Coke Zero.
Ain’t alimony a zero-calorie bitch?
Nowadays, maybe some wine, or coffee needs a dash of Bailey’s, but just for flavor, mind you.
Drunk?
Never again.
A Twist On Oliver
Oliver walked up to the Beadle, empty bowl held high.
“I’d like some less, please,” he said.
The Beadle looked down, confused.
“Less?” he asked. “But… the bowl’s empty.”
“Yes, I know,” said Oliver. “And I regret eating it all. Far, far too much. So, if you can’t spoon out less into these bowls, maybe smaller bowls?”
The Beadle nodded. “That we can do.”
So, the next day, smaller bowls of gruel were dished out for all the kids.
Oliver, being the smallest, could subside on little, so the bigger kids starved quicker and all died.
Alone, Oliver laughed heartily.
Gift Giving
Back in the Seventies and Eighties, the Russians were known to put explosives in toys, scatter them over Afghanistan hotspots, and let kids bring those toys back to their homes where they’d blow up.
Sometimes, their mujahedeen fathers and brothers would be at home, and the explosion would take them out.
Other times, it would just kill the kid out there in the field of rocks.
So when NATO troops thought to dress up as Santa and hand out gifts to the locals, yeah, that explains why they opened fire on them.
Thank goodness the Santa costume belly-padding was Kevlar.
Running With
Fernando’s greatest wish was to run with the bulls.
He spent years training, running and leaping over obstacles in the alley behind his family’s restaurant.
Finally, after years of pleading, his parents let him off work to finally do it.
He was gored through the chest in five seconds… but, he survived.
After hours of surgery, the doctors determined that if they removed the horn from his heart, it would kill him, so they cut it off the bull and left it in there.
The family asked “Can we keep the rest of the bull to butcher for the restaurant?”
Shuggoth
I remember back when Chunky soup said they could be eaten with a fork.
These days, you need a gun and knife.
Yeah, I know. Cream Of Shuggoth Soup is crazy, right? But it’s cheap and nutritious, so the soup kitchens in New England have been buying it by the barrel.
The shuggoth are supposed to be killed before getting chopped up and dumped in the soup, but every now and then a tentacle survives the boiling process and you end up with a regrettable incident.
Just read the label and don’t microwave the stuff.
(The magnetrons revive the things.)