Honk, the God of traffic jams, watches the city from Metro Control, smiling at the video feeds of his followers. He feels a tiny buzz of power with every prayer the populace sends his way, palms slapped against steering wheels to call out his name in frustration, fury, and faith.
Red…
Red…
Red…
Green?
He points at the city map, dispatching construction crews to places where cars can still move.
“Go forth and obstruct,” commands Honk.
The crews head for the garage and prepare to squash the heathens with orange cones red flag.
Honk laughs and smiles upon the city
Tag: commentary
Twins
Back during my dating days, I dated a woman with an identical twin sister.
But it didn’t work out.
Sure, the sex was great, and she was funny and smart, but her sister was jealous and tried to break us up.
Then, she impersonated her sister, and it totally sent things over the edge.
I didn’t realize what I’d done until the next morning, when I saw the butterfly tattoo on her left hip instead of her right.
Or was it supposed to be on her left hip?
“As if I care,” I said, and we did it again.
Twice.
Bank Evolution
When I was young, you had to cash a check at the issuing bank and then deposit the cash at your bank.
When the check interchange system was created, you could deposit a check at your own bank without fuss, but you still had to fill out a deposit slip.
Eventually, banks eliminated the deposit slips, because when they knew who you are, they knew your account.
Now, you can snap a photo of a check with the bank’s smartphone application, and they’ll handle it all electronically.
I hope the check clears quickly, because I need a new smartphone soon.
Never go home
They say you can never go hone, and as long as the restraining order is still in place, that’s true.
Google Street View lets you get a glimpse at all the old familiar places, as long as they’re close to a main thoroughfare and not blocked by a new thick, tall hedge paid for by monthly alimony checks… your alimony checks.
So, if you want to peek into a window, you know, just curious, that will take a private detective with a camera. Or a wireless steerable webcam.
Or two.
Or three.
Or…
Obsessed? Me?
Just making sure they’re… safe.
Contender
The Houston Astros had the worst record in professional baseball last year with 106 losses.
After trading away veterans and remaining talent to teams still in contention for some prospects, they’re on track to lose even more.
I still watch the games, though.
First off, we’re coming up on September, and that’s when the rosters expand and they can call up players from the minors. They’ll play their hearts out, either making amazing plays or hilarious mistakes trying to impress.
Even better, nothing’s funnier than a play-by-play announcer for a lousy team.
What, you thought I’d PAY to see them?
Rejection
An envelope. From a publisher.
I closed my eyes, tore it open, pulled out the letter, and looked.
I was expecting another rejection letter to join my pile of rejection letters, but instead, I received an offer.
It wasn’t for much, sure, but it was better than a rejection.
But there was a problem… a big problem.
The editor wanted me to make changes… a lot of changes.
I looked at the rejection pile… at the offer… at the changes…
Do I keep my integrity, or sell out?
The editor suggested changing that, too.
“Screw it,” I said, and signed.
Life Coach
Years of therapy didn’t help.
Mountains of pills didn’t help.
Shelves full of self-help books didn’t help.
If anything, my life’s gotten more confusing and out of control.
So, I hired a life coach.
For three weeks, he followed me around and took notes.
Then, he called me into his office and said:
“I’m benching you.”
Another guy got up from a chair, patted me on the shoulder, and said “No hard feelings?”
Since then, I’ve been sitting here and watching him live my life.
And you know what?
He’s doing just great! I should have done this years ago!
Never argue
Everybody’s got that one person they look to for advice, an all-knowing wise person who has all the answers.
Maybe it’s a parent.
Maybe it’s a doctor.
Perhaps it’s a priest.
Tennessee Tuxedo had some guy with a stretchable chalkboard.
Me, I’ve got the Nit Noi sushi chef. The guy always knows the answer.
Great advice too, and not just “Never pick a fight with a guy who’s good with a knife.”
Then, he reaches under the counter. “I got this in just this morning” and slices it up, slides me a piece.
And all is right with the world.
Tinny
Our friends own a trailer park.
They feed a lot of stray cats. And every so often, someone abandons a cat or two at their place.
We lost Bruwyn last month. He’d been hit by a car.
Myst is all alone now.
She’s never been alone before.
Before, she had Bruwyn, Nardo, and her birth family.
She needs a furry little friend.
We were going to pick up a kitten from a shelter, but someone dumped a kitten in the trash bin out at the trailer park.
We call her Tin Roof Swirl.
Myst calls her hisssssssssssssss.
It’ll take time.
500 More
Remember when The Proclaimers sang that they’d walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more to fall down at your door?
I never understood that song. Why would someone walk a thousand miles? Can’t you get a plane ticket or bus fare?
It turns out that they walked out your door, kept walking for 500 miles, turned around, and then walked all the way back.
Why they did this, I have no idea. They could have just walked out your door and fallen down right then and there.
Utterly bizarre.
The Proclaimers truly put the “wonder” in “One Hit Wonder.”