When I was young, my dad would take us to the ponds out by the Volkswagen offices. We’d feed the swans there.
These days, I’ll pick up a sandwich from the local Subway, eat the meat and vegetables out of it, and then walk to a small landscaped lake. The ducks and swans get the leftover bread.
Once, all the ducks and swans were gone. In their place were a set of wooden decoys, floating out on the lake.
What do decoys eat?
I quickly scribbled pictures of loaves of bread on my notepad and tossed them into the lake.
Tag: childhood
When it rains…
Mother used to say “When it rains, it pours.”
I’d walk out to the patio and say “Mom? That’s just Grampa on the roof with the hose.”
Mother never said much about that. It was bad enough that Grampa lived with us, making a scene at every meal, accusing Germans of poisoning his soup…
“That’s meat loaf, Grampa, not soup.”
“DAMN THE KAISER!” he’d shout, diving under the table.
The stories he’d tell me, well, they were magical. Tales of… well… I mean… magical stories…
Okay, fine. I ignored the crazy old coot.
Pass the meat loaf… I mean soup.
The Game Of Life
When I was little, I’d try to spin high numbers in The Game Of Life.
Spin! Make the car go faster!
Graduate college!
Spin! Make the car go faster!
Get married!
Spin! Make the car go faster!
Have kids!
Make the car full of pegs go faster faster faster!
Rush headlong along the winding path!
Away we go!
And then…
The game’s over.
Wasn’t that fun?
Want to play again?
That Game Of Life, wherever it is, gathering dust… I learned one thing from it:
Spin low, take your time and enjoy the ride.
Make it last. Make it count.
Curiosity
Curiosity killed the cat.
Then, Curiosity killed the dog.
Next came the goldfish. Curiosity put those in a blender and hit the big red button.
After that mess was flushed, Curiosity went outside with an air rifle and started shooting birds off the telephone wires.
She ran out of ammo right around the time we got home.
“Check on the babysitter,” I told my wife.
She went inside, found her tied up in a chair, and checked for a pulse.
“Weak, but it’s there,” she said.
Still alive?
Strange. Usually, Curiosity kills them.
I scolded her: “You’re getting sloppy, kid.”
The Lantern
Biff was into The Green Lantern.
Really into it.
Wore green underwear, a green shirt and a green cape.
His older brother Joe laughed at him as he ran around, pointing his ring at everything… the dishes… the cat’s litterbox…
“The Green Lantern doesn’t have a cape, retard.”
Then he’d grab Biff and yank his underwear up.
Biff would run to his room, crying.
Then, he’d sit on the roof outside his window and wishing… wishing…
One morning, he was helping an old lady cross the street, when a speeding cab ran them down…
Yep. A Yellow Cab.
Poor Biff.
Turning Ten
My son turns ten today.
We’re going to have a big party for him: clowns, bouncy house, his friends, so many presents, and a cake.
Then, when the party’s over, the leasing company will come by to pick him up.
Most parents choose up the option to buy, but we’ve been wanting another baby, so we’re sending this one back.
This time, we’ll just do a two-year lease. Avoid those Terrible Twos, that whole First Day Of School thing.
I don’t mind changing diapers, really.
Everything’s up in the attic, but we’ll get it later.
Oh, and Happy Birthday, son!
Bigger dreams
Little Susie dreams little dreams of little things.
She’s starting to dream of bigger things.
Sadly, the bigger things don’t fit in her little dreams.
So, she’s trying to dream bigger dreams to fit them in.
Oh no! Those bigger dreams won’t fit in her tiny head!
“I need a bigger head for my dreams,” she said to her mother.
“Ask Santa for one.”
To make a short story shorter, yeah, Santa gave her one.
She’s the kid over there with the gigantic head, full of big dreams.
(Most of which involve being able to walk again without falling over.)
The Sports Of The Bored
Bobby’s mother didn’t like how he just sat outside, watching grass grow.
“I’m in training,” mumbled Bobby. “I want to make Varsity this year.”
She got him books, but they sat in a pile while Bobby stared at the grass.
“Oh well,” she said. “At least he’s getting some sun. It sure is saving on the Vitamin D bills.”
Bobby kept watching the grass grow all Summer.
But when it came time for tryouts, Bobby didn’t make the cut.
“Joey got picked!” he cried. “And he’s already getting a letter for watching paint dry!”
“Good. Now mow the lawn, dammit.”
Disneyland
I remember when I was 9 and we forgot my mother’s birthday.
She didn’t get angry or beat us for it.
Instead, she just smiled and said “I guess I can’t keep it a secret any longer, but we’re going to Disneyland this Summer.”
No beatings? Disneyland?
Awesome!
When the day arrived to go to Disneyland, she told us to get our suitcases up from the basement.
“Quickly!” she said. “We’re going to the airport in an hour!”
We ran down the stairs.
Then, she slammed the basement door, locked it, and turned off the lights.
We screamed a lot.
Take Your Rocket To Work Day
Today is Take Your Daughter To Work Day.
Jameson came in with a rocket launcher over his shoulder.
It seems he didn’t read his email and heard things wrong. Thought it was “Take Your Rocket To Work Day.”
Which seems weird, sure, but if you know Jameson, it’s not all that weird.
Rocket sounds an awful lot like daughter. Especially when you launch a lot of rockets over the weekend and have considerable hearing damage.
The one thing that has me worried is that Jameson may have misheard “Take” and think we said “Launch.”
I wish he’d read his email.