Long ago, comedian Steven Wright said “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.” in his act.
It turns out he grabbed it from a comedian named Chic Murray
Whatever the source, I’m still confused: are they talking about painting the world with brushes and cans of paint? Because that could get expensive, especially if you need to buy primer, too.
Or perhaps paint it as in painting it on a canvas? Cheaper, certainly, but canvas and oils aren’t free.
This is what digital photography was invented to do.
Thank goodness for Google Maps and Street View.
Tag: commentary
Typo
After years of failed negotiations, the Iranians suddenly agreed to comprehensive inspections in exchange for the lifting of international sanctions on their battered economy.
Diplomats patted themselves on the back and praised each other… until the press got a hold of the documents.
“This says IKEA, not IAEA!” shouted the Secretary General Of The United Nations. “Who the fuck screwed this one up?”
Everybody stared at the Swedish representative.
“Hey, those IKEA guys are smart,” he said. “Just look what they can do with some wood and Allen wrenches.”
“They can make coffins,” said the Israeli representative, dialing Tel Aviv.
Tunnels
The Downtown Tunnel system under Houston is full of stores, restaurants, barber shops, and places to get your errands done during lunch without having to go out in the rain.
It’s also handy for getting to the garage you parked at without getting harassed by homeless people.
Most people walking around the tunnels are business people, wearing suits or casual, or security guards. But now and then, you spot a beggar or bum.
I sit down at a table outside a restaurant and count.
One.
Two.
Three.
A guard walks up, guides the bum to a stairwell.
A new record.
Vicious Circle
Economists say that a feedback loop with detrimental results is a vicious circle, but all the circles I’ve ever known are nice circles.
Perhaps the economists are beating these circles as baby circles and making them grow up vicious?
You know, like how Pit Bulls are really friendly dogs that are great with kids, but got a bad reputation because they get raised to be vicious fighting dogs.
Rhombuses, on the other hand, are rotten little things no matter how you train them, but economists don’t like rhombuses, and circles are easier to deal with because you can roll them.
Medicinal Music
Studies with burn patients showed that engaging the patient with music helped reduce the need for pain medications during bandage changes, and the patients recovered faster.
As a result, the hospital needed less medication and nurses to deliver it and monitor patient progress, which led to significant cost-savings.
That was until the RIAA had talks with the drug companies and the nurse’s union.
Lobbyists got Congress to require a prescription for purchasing music.
Apple and Amazon were delighted to raise prices for downloads and cloud-streaming.
This isn’t a piano. It’s a fancy bar table.
See? No hammers.
Totally legal, man.
You’ve Got Mail
It’s been 20 years since I‘ve had an AOL account, but wherever I go, I always set up that “You’ve got mail!” to my new mail sound.
Oh, sure… I’ve had fun sounds like “Message for you, sir!” from Monty Python and The Holy Grail, where the page gets hit with an arrow to the chest with a message on it, but it doesn’t take long for me to yearn for that classic AOL sound again.
It doesn’t really matter, though. These days, it’s all IMs and Tweets and Facebook Pokes.
E-mail’s as dead as the Post Office it killed.
The Gift Bear
I went to the Build-a-Bear store in the mall.
Where you pick out an empty teddy bear
Or panda
Or kitty
Then you pick out clothes for it:
A baseball uniform
Ballet slippers. And a tutu
A wedding dress
You can record a message, too.
I like crazy messages:
“Help, I’m trapped in a bear factory!”
“I’m filled with heroin.”
At a red light, I squeeze it’s paw.
“I love you,” it says.
I feel the bruise on my face.
I remember you hitting me.
Again. And again.
Love you? The craziest message of all.
I throw the bear away.
They Paved Paradise
The Trinity Church was torn down ten years ago. After years of serving Downtown, the commuters went to their suburban home churches while the pews collected up the homeless and drug addicts, who stripped the place bare to sell for more drugs and booze.
The church’s parking lot is still there, though, as a private contract lot, and it’s always full. There’s even a car washing valet and a mechanic for doing oil changes and other simple little maintenance tasks.
And the old priest, who walks from row to row during the day, blessing the cars, wishing them safe travels.
Jacked Up
Whenever a famous artist dies, the price of their work goes up.
The obvious example is a painting at auction.
It also applies to famous musicians who die suddenly.
I’m not talking about some Best Of album or unreleased studio material that gets rushed out and released out after they die.
I’m talking about the existing albums out there on the iTunes and Amazon marketplaces.
As people rush to download their favorite tracks to remember them, the companies quietly bump the price up from 99 cents to a buck twenty-nine.
Thirty pieces of copper for the modern-age Judases of Music.
Success
She kept a suitcase packed and ready.
Success was right around the corner. She knew it was coming. It would knock on her door at any moment.
It never came.
Oh, sure… Success sent emails and left phone messages and mailed her a few postcards begging her to come out and see him.
Remember the floral arrangements? She was allergic to flowers, but not these. Success was very thoughtful and did the research and found these flowers for her.
And she still wouldn’t leave. Success had to come to her.
“It doesn’t work that way,” wrote Success. “Goodbye, my love.”