Inventing cancer

Dan invented cancer.
He was trying to invent something else, like an eggbeater, and instead, he invented cancer.
He didn’t mean to.
But sitting there on his workbench, there it was.
“What the hell do I do with this?” he asked Norma, his wife.
“You should probably tell someone,” she said.
“The government?”
“Sure.”
So, they called the government.
Fifteen minutes later, men in hazmat suits barged into their house and took the cancer away.
Dan went back to his workbench, and looked over his blueprints.
“Oh, I know what I did wrong…”
Norma made the best scrambled eggs ever.

Gorilla glue

What is Gorilla Glue?
Is it glue used by gorillas?
Used to glue gorillas together?
Or is it made from gorillas?
I sent it to a lab, and they said it didn’t contain anything related to gorillas.
Then, I gave a bottle of it to a gorilla and watched.
It opened the bottle and wiped it all over its cage.
As the glue dried, things started to stick to the gorilla, and the gorilla got mad.
We introduced another gorilla to the first gorilla’s cage, and they fought for a bit.
But they never ended up stuck to each other.

Weekly Challenge #776 – PICK TWO Ruins, Cone, A toast!, Rebel, Dive, Name change, Glow

Dirty Princess

LIZZIE

“A toast! My kingdom for a toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled. They all knew him. They all loved his silly jokes. The room was always dark. That gave them a sense of protection and the silly, often crude, jokes made them feel like they belonged. One day he didn’t show up. They looked for him everywhere. Weeks went by. Then they received a letter at the café. “I’m fine. I got a job digging up some ruins. The archaeologists are OK. But they lack one thing. They don’t have toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled once again.

RICHARD

Rebel for a Lost Cause

I’ve always been a rebel, albeit not a very successful one.

The trouble is, I really don’t like to make a fuss; so whilst other rebels are toppling governments, standing up against perceived injustices and sticking it to the man, my own rage against the machine may seem somewhat insignificant.

Still, rebellion is rebellion, no matter how it may manifest itself.

So, while I still have breath in me, I’ll continue to have an extra sugar in my tea; I’ll refuse to go to bed at a reasonable hour; and, whenever somebody raises a toast… I’m never clinking my glass.

SERENDIPIDY

From the ruins of a shattered life, I crawl: The embodiment of pain, anger and dismay.

Within my breast beats a heart devoid of love, compassion or care. I know only hatred and pain, despair and woe.

I’m coming for you, and when I find you, I will destroy you… Break you… Rend your flesh and torment your soul.

Because I will never forget those vows you swore and a toast! To us, our health and happiness: To you, just hollow words, but to me a loving promise you failed to keep.

Just remember.

Your promise.

For better, or worse.

TOM

In the wake of endless sorrow

She burns bright with rage. It tempers every move. Make no mistake her
rebel heart with drop you without a second thought. Your glowing remains
will smolder beside some long-forgotten road. Your only hope to master the
intensity of task at hand. Never waver from the glorious quest or let less
soul dissuade you with words of comfort. In the night of a 1000 flames be
the rebel glow be hers alone and know at the end of all things you rose to
be the one. The light breaks set your mind of stone, your heart to iron,
you will to iron.

JARED

A Lucky Man and a Brave Woman

Their courtship and engagement had lasted a little more than 11 months. James would have been fine getting married on the anniversary of their engagement, but Natalie didn’t want to wait. And she couldn’t resist being a ‘June bride’.
The planning and the ceremony were a blur of memory now, as they were seated at the head table.
“Ahem… Hi, everyone. I’m Michael, James’ Best Man. I’ve known James since Second Grade. I met Natalie a week after she met James. James, hold on to her. You will never find another woman willing to be ‘Mrs. Hooker’.”

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and his parents arrived at the Air Bnb. They punched in the code and entered the house. When they flipped on the lights Billbert took in the view. A table was prominently displayed in the middle of the sitting room with an array of bottles of wine, cheese and crackers.
“Dive in, Billbert,” his mother said to him pointing to the crackers. She picked up a single serving bottle of wine. “Maybe we should have a toast.”
Mr. Blanketmaker laughed. “A toast to what? Our house in ruins?”
His wife shook her head. “No. How about a name change?”

PLANET Z

The rebels fled Freedom Town, leaving behind piles of dead hostages and setting fires as they left.
Fire suppression crews did their best to limit the damage.
Rebel flags on the poles were wired to explosives.
Anti-government posters were chemically treated with poison.
The water system was poisoned, too.
The rebels claimed the government did it all.
And the media repeated their lie.
So, the government raided the newspapers, radio stations, and television networks.
Expelled the ambassadors of countries that hosted rebel training camps and condemned the government’s response.
And the war raged no, there was nothing civil about it.

The timeline

After the timeline shattered, the phrase “How was your day?” took on new meaning.
Everybody literally had their own day.
So, when the timeliness settled down a bit, and they crossed and overlapped here and there, people would ask each other how their day was.
Instead of sharing tales of epic adventures, things were pretty much like they were before the timeline’s shattering.
There weren’t castles and unicorns and dragons before the rifts happened. It’s not like they’d magically appear now.
They all had the same boring, unremarkable lives they had before, just living them separately across the newly-formed multiverse.

Hulk smashes

Hulk smashes.
However, when Hulk tries to smash something that’s squishy, Hulk squishes.
Or Hulk smooshes.
When Hulk fought Marshmallow Man, Hulk smooshed him.
Sure, it was an epic battle, and it was one of Hulk’s best-selling issues, but to say Hulk smashed Marshmallow Man isn’t entirely accurate.
To say that Hulk impaled Marshmallow Man on a telephone pole and slow-roasted him over a large fire, well, that is accurate.
No, he didn’t make delicious smores with him.
Because that’s just downright creepy, eating your opponent after defeating him.
Hulk may be a savage monster, but he’s hardly a cannibal.

Breaking their toys

They’re marketed as sex robots, but they’re really passive sexdolls with a robotic head on them.
You can download an app to your phone to program the head to respond to phrases and motions in various ways.
There’s a hacker in Ukraine who writes ransomware for these things.
The head will shriek constantly unless you pay him the ransom.
Most guys will pay, just to get their expensive toy back working again.
For some guys, this is a turn-on, and they won’t pay the ransom.
So, the hacker makes the head whisper stock quotes.
A ballgag soon fixes that problem.

The dishes are done

Jack and Mary looked like the perfect couple, right?
Who would have thought that pots and pans would lead to this?
Mary spent a fortune on those pots and pans.
But when Jack tried to put them in the dishwasher, she freaked out.
They’re not dishwasher safe? said Jack. What a goddamned pain in the ass.
She said she cooked better with them. Jack said her cooking still tasted like shit.
They fought, and Jack ended up slamming the dishwasher’s door on Mary’s head a few times.
Now he’s washing dishes in prison.
And the food always tastes like shit.

The rain comes

After a few weeks of mild sunny weather and then a few days of hotter weather, it’ll be raining for a few days.
It’s a relaxing sound. The thunder. Lighting. The rain.
I didn’t slide the patio chairs under the umbrella in time to keep them dry, or I’d be reading under the big umbrella.
Oh well. Maybe I can fold up a bath towel, swap out a cushion, and sit on it under the cover.
The rain will stop in a few hours.
Maybe the streets will be fine tomorrow.
But if they aren’t, I can work at home.

The telephones

I hate the telephones.
Every one of them.
They’re always ringing.
Angry customers calling us.
Angry at us.
When they should be angry at themselves.
For not reading the manual.
For not following the instructions.
For using our product wrong.
For being so stupid.
And cheap, too.
Because we’re cheap.
We buy cheap servers.
We hire cheap labor.
Especially to answer the phones.
The phones that I hate.
The phones that are always ringing.
What do we sell?
Telephones, of course.
The customers call us.
To complain that they are broken.
But yet, somehow, they work enough to call us.

Weekly Challenge #775 – WINE

Pest

RICHARD

Miracle?

Yeah, turning water into wine, just a cheap parlour trick really. It’s not like anyone checked the jars for the false water trays.

Feeding the five thousand? Well, did you see the food come out of the baskets? Of course not, because it didn’t! All misdirection and sleight of hand.

As for Lazarus: Well, it could have been anyone wrapped up in those burial cloths… And it was!

Of course, people want to believe in miracles, and nobody looks too closely in the heat of the moment.

You’re going to love my final trick… It’ll be the stuff of legends!

LIZZIE

Everyone sat at the table and toasted. Everyone smiled. Yes, that fake smile that goes well with wine and the possibility of a new job. He thought about the cool car he’d buy, the shiny new apartment, even the weekend lodge by the lake. And then he blurted out that stupid thing. He had to say it, didn’t he? Why? Because he was a moron. “This wine is not one of the best I have had.” No more job for you, you simpleton. Why had he decided to apply for a job at a winery? He didn’t even like wine.

TOM

Wine

I live in the wine county. No really. Not that sugar injected region known
as New York. Or that euro-trash region outside of Paris. I am talking
above the Napa Valley. A land hip deep in volcanic red soil. Of course,
having tastes buds raised in Chicago took a fair amount of time to mature.
Also getting over the idea of a bottle costing a day’s pay is, well now
reasonable, also took some time. When I was young wine choice was binary,
how its more taxonomical. But really, it’s all about the pairing. What
wine goes with Cap-n-Crunch.

SERENDIPIDY

When I bought the house, I had only one stipulation.

I didn’t care about the state of repair, the number of bedrooms or whether the shrubs were well-established and cared for.

The only thing I insisted upon was a wine cellar.

A large wine cellar, dry, and with thick, thick walls.

The agent thought I was a connoisseur; someone of refined tastes and an eye for quality.

Which, of course, I am.

And you could say, I do enjoy a ruby red claret.

So why not come over, sample my hospitality?

I’ll keep a space on the rack for you.

TURA

Wine
———
When the wine has been drunk, the bottle is discarded.

When a teaching comes into the world, it comes in a bottle, that being the individuality of the teacher, the time and place where he appears, and the types that he draws to himself.

One day, the teacher is gone, for such people live and die as do we all. The wine poured out, his students thereafter venerate the empty bottle, worshipping the dead husk of his teaching.

Those who would discard the bottle and seek the source of the living wine that he brought are driven away as heretics.

NORVAL JOE

The chief handed Mrs. Blanketmaker a slip of paper. “Here’s an Air BnB we’ve rented for you. It’s called ‘The Wine and Cheese, if You Please’ bed and breakfast. Apparently, they have a deal with a local winery and stock the place with a bunch of little sample bottles of wine and all the cheese and crackers you can eat. And you can stay as long as you need to find a new place.”
Billbert’s hopes lifted. “You mean we don’t have to move away?”
The chief winked at him. “Not yet, anyway. There’s still work to do right here.”

JARED

Anticipation
After their week in San Francisco, James was anxious to get to Napa. You could say it had been a whirlwind, his and Natalie’s courtship. He couldn’t help but smile to himself, thinking of how far they had come.
He breathed a little more easily once they had cleared the Golden Gate Bridge and were headed past Sausalito. He was never comfortable driving over bridges.
As he continued driving, he began to realize – he was still anxious. Not because of a bridge, but because of the little box in his coat pocket. And because of Natalie’s answer to his question…

PLANET Z

Never conduct a seance with a cheap bottle of wine.
Or candles. Or dishes.
You need the finest of everything to summon spirits.
The cheaper the placesettings and decorations, the weaker the gateway you will make between worlds.
And, should you manage to summon something from beyond, the harder it will be to send them back.
So, should you get lucky and entice a greater demon from the pits of hell to your living room with paper plates and Mad Dog 20, well done.
Not that I would call you lucky, seeing as you’re going to be stick with him.