You’re a mess. You’re a wreck. You’re a walking disaster.
And you think the Goddess can help you get your life straight?
When you invite the Goddess into your life, you invite her into your heart.
But like any guest, you must prepare your heart for her to enter it.
Would you invite over a guest to a mess of a home?
Would you invite over a guest to a wreck of a home?
Take power over your life!
Clean up your wicked ways!
And once you have gotten your life in order, you’ll find the Goddess waiting, already there.
Tag: cliche
Cut, and it’s a wrap!
That sign overlooking Hollywood, that says Hollywood, is a perfect symbol for the town below.
Bright and shiny white on the face of it, like gleaming, capped teeth, smiling, but from behind, ugly and scraggly and all propped up like the bridgework it is.
Paint on your face, walk on to the set, and bring up the lights.
Cue the waiter, he’s really an actor though, he falls down flat, like a cut-out, and everybody topples over, like a stack of cards or dominoes. And there I am, alone, standing there, holding my drink, waiting…
CUT, AND IT’S A WRAP!
Dividing Things Up
Breaking up is hard to do.
Dividing up the furniture, all the stuff.
It used to be you could just sort out the book and record collections, but Amazon and iTunes make that a pain in the ass.
And then there’s the friends.
How do you divide up the friends?
Doctor Odd suggested cloning them, but that’s a hassle, too.
Who gets the clone? Who gets the original?
So he’s experimenting with quantum universes. A universe exactly the same.
But without you. And you’ll go to one without me.
Which solves the book and record collection issues, too, I guess.
Coming Out Day
On National Coming Out Day, the Closet Squad dons fabulous uniforms, just the right balance of denim and leather, no cheap vinyl here, girls, and they march for the closets.
And lock themselves in them.
Knock all you want. Not coming out. And you can’t make them.
It’s not a problem with them. It’s your problem. You just don’t understand, you just don’t know, you just don’t realize how hard it is for them in there, but it would be harder to face the discrimination… the harassment…
Do I smell cheesecake? Oh, can you just slip some under the door?
Red Velvet Cupcake
In the center of the cupcake shop, bathed by a gentle light, sat a glass pedestal.
There, in the light, a cupcake.
A red velvet chocolate cupcake.
The greatest… ever!
I approached it, guessed at its weight, filled a small giftbag with mini-cupcakes about the same weight as the red velvet cupcake, swapped the bag for it.
I waited.
Nothing.
Walking to the door, I expected a low rumble and blow darts and a spiked pit…
Oh, and a gigantic boulder to chase me.
Instead, the store owner hit a switch and locked the door.
“You gonna pay for that?”
Greeters
Most Wal-Mart greeters are extremely old people dressed in a bright company shirt who wave a hand and smile and welcome you to Wal-Mart.
It’s a job that could be done with a sign or a robot, but the old people turn out to be cheaper.
Especially if you only hire them for a few weeks as a “greeter contractor” so you don’t have to pay them health benefits.
Sure, it’s rather scummy, using them up and tossing them aside, but in Wal-Mart’s defense, it does get boring seeing the same old old person there at the door, greeting me.
Three Little Gods
The first little pig built his god out of straw.
The second little pig built his god out of wood.
The third little pig built his god out of stone.
They fought amongst themselves as to which followed the true faith.
The wolf didn’t believe in any religious nonsense, but he was good at faking it.
One by one, he let the pigs “convert” him, taking all three of his would-be saviors captive.
The stone, he used for a roasting pit.
The wood made an excellent frame.
And the straw lit easily.
“By the gods, so delicious,” moaned the wolf.
Tough Break
They say Harvard is tough, but I learned medicine at the Jersey School For Doctors.
Doc Fontanelli asks the class what’s the difference between a twist, a sprain, dislocation, and a break.
The students, they all got their combs out, did their hair, checked the cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves.
So Doc grabs Vinnie by the arm with both hands, gives it a yank, and Vinnie goes down with a yell.
“That’s a dislocated shoulder,” says Doc.
He proceeds to twist Vinnie’s elbow, sprain his wrist, and break his nose.
“The nose ain’t a bone,” moans Vinnie.
A plus.
Half
The optimist thinks the glass is half full, while the pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
Me, I drink everything out of a shot glass, and the bartender is always around to slide more my way, or he leaves the bottle there and we settle up the tab at the end of the week.
It doesn’t matter if the bottle’s half-full or half-empty either. The bartender keeps more in back, and his distributor runs an all-night liquor store a block away.
One time, all the shot glasses were in the dishwasher.
Except for the one in my pocket.
Cheers!
Klingons
Back when I was in high school, there was a Klingon Language Club where they spoke that language from the Star Trek show and movies.
They wanted me to join, but I didn’t see any use for it.
A few years later, when we were at the graduation barn dance, a strange light appeared in the sky, and a Klingon warship landed in the parking lot.
The Klingon Language Club, dressed in full Klingon battle armor, greeted the ship.
Its cannons blasted them into atoms.
You know, because it was Kirk at the helm, slingshotted back in time.
Stupid geeks.